Swimbike
Member
- Sep 14, 2020
- 15
I had the blues on Sunday after a weekend of mostly positive distractions. The preceding week was filled with smouldering anticipation for the expected and welcome hiatus from the white noise of my droning melancholy.
In the blink of an eye, I had seamlessly dovetailed back into the deathless death where emptiness cloaks my existence.
It's tiring. I am emotionally impotent. The apathy induced boredom prompted me to reappear on SS. On reflection, there is a perverse pattern apparent to me now, whereby solace is to be found in just a few activities, the most convenient and discreet being suicide research.
Initially, I was resigned to CO. The sense of relief and inner peace was overwhelming. I simply had to go to the place I had chosen. But, I came across SN and everything changed unexpectedly. Unnerved at the loss of control, I am vulnerable again.
Researching SN has provided some sense of direction. Planning helps the celluloid repetition of each moment to moment pass without nausea.
Today, I successfully located and ordered my kit. It feels like a corner turned. What's noticeably absent is the expected impact on my outlook. I intend to monitor my feelings, right now though, they remain, ..... well, ...... vanilla.
Curiously, I am noticing the subtlety of colour.
This unexpected visual acuity may be a reflection of the seasonal change to the ambient light of the natural world or could it be clarity as I awaken to my essence at the beginning of my journey into physical death.
In the blink of an eye, I had seamlessly dovetailed back into the deathless death where emptiness cloaks my existence.
It's tiring. I am emotionally impotent. The apathy induced boredom prompted me to reappear on SS. On reflection, there is a perverse pattern apparent to me now, whereby solace is to be found in just a few activities, the most convenient and discreet being suicide research.
Initially, I was resigned to CO. The sense of relief and inner peace was overwhelming. I simply had to go to the place I had chosen. But, I came across SN and everything changed unexpectedly. Unnerved at the loss of control, I am vulnerable again.
Researching SN has provided some sense of direction. Planning helps the celluloid repetition of each moment to moment pass without nausea.
Today, I successfully located and ordered my kit. It feels like a corner turned. What's noticeably absent is the expected impact on my outlook. I intend to monitor my feelings, right now though, they remain, ..... well, ...... vanilla.
Curiously, I am noticing the subtlety of colour.
This unexpected visual acuity may be a reflection of the seasonal change to the ambient light of the natural world or could it be clarity as I awaken to my essence at the beginning of my journey into physical death.
