Does any of this matter?

[lostforever77]

I have been part of this community for a while now. And I feel like I have made progress. But I look at all the stuff I still have to do, and how much that could still go wrong. And how little support I actually really have. And I begin to wonder is any of this worth it. Has all the months or even years worth of work meant anything? If it can all be taken away in a heartbeat, do I really want to do all of this again? Build up a life, just to see it yank out from underneath me. Would it not be easier just to say, I had a good run, lets call it quits? Sorry I am tired, and just ranting at this point. Have a good night everyone, try to stay safe.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I know what you mean. The more you do achieve, the more you have to lose. I can remember also feeling fear alongside the very few times I've felt happier in life.

Whether it will be worth it, none of us know. We don't know whether we'll get what we're trying to attain. We don't know whether it will feel worthwhile enough if we do. We don't know whether we'll lose it all ultimately.

I suppose all we do know about is the present moment and perhaps the near future. Would it feel better to stop trying now or would there be some regret in the near future that we'd just given up? I suppose I feel like, so long as there's some hope, there's still some motivation to try.

The other thing is practicalities. Personally, I don't feel like I can kill myself at the moment- I want to wait for my Dad to go first. So for me, that means finding the easiest path through life while I'm stuck here. My creative job has always been pretty much the most important thing in my life. So- while it's full of risk, it's hard work, it can be stressful and it invites in plenty of scope for failure and disappointment, it's still the lesser of the evils for me. So- I pursue it and I do other things I actually hate to ensure I'm fit enough to do it- like exercise. I think it's just making an assessment of our options and going for the one that suits us the best.

As to whether we could fail- sure we could. Any kind of calamity could befall any of us at any moment but- probably better to not worry about stuff that hasn't happened yet. (I'm like that too though. I tend to catastrophize over every possible bad thing that could happen.) If bad stuff does happen, we'll have to deal with it at that moment. I suppose it's more at that point where we'll really decide whether we want to keep fighting or whether we've had enough.

I'm guessing how tired you felt hasn't helped matters. I hope you feel more able to cope after some sleep.

 

[Neon Grave]

This is something I considered heavily today. I've not been in great condition, but I've been making a genuine effort to improve my life since I knew I wouldn't be able to CTB anytime soon. Every time I hit a block, I feel like my world is crumbling apart all over again. Its incredibly overwhelming and I have to ask myself, repeatedly, what is the point?

What do I ACTUALLY gain from this? What will I do if I lose it? What if I spend absurd amounts of money trying to heal, only to find out that it was never going to work?

I don't really know what the solution is, and I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope things get easier for you.

 

[TDF]

I totally get this I'm really sorry, kinda whole reason I need to ctb . U r doing great though u have a lot to live for

 

[nembutal]

if you're trying to make significant progress you should stay away from a forum that usually dissuades its users from doing so.

 

[lostforever77]

I totally get this I'm really sorry, kinda whole reason I need to ctb . U r doing great though u have a lot to live for

You have always been so kind to me <hugs> I so miss our longer discussions about life. You have a lot to live for as well, your one of the smartest, kindest people I know. In my case I just think most people truly do not know how hard everything is, though I am sure you relate to that as well. And every time in the past I have found a way to survive, some times even to thrive. I just do not know if this will always be the case, especially if I can not get a solid foundation soon.

if you're trying to make significant progress you should stay away from a forum that usually dissuades its users from doing so.

I know, I am just kind of lost right now, but thank you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering here, to me it truly is such a cruel existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[lostforever77]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering here, to me it truly is such a cruel existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

I am really sorry cry, if you ever want to talk I am here <hugs> And thank you!

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I feel the same way. I feel like much of the progress I have made this past year has reversed itself. And the tiniest bad thing happening can yank it out from under you and there's so much that more in your life forever. Last week I hurt my foot - in the end I only limped for a day- but I was making it worse in my head by worrying that I had broke it and would be out of commission for months and then worrying that something even worse could happen and screw me up for the rest of my life. it's like what's the point of going through this and trying to get help and make progress when I feel so scared about the future?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

 

[lostforever77]

I feel the same way. I feel like much of the progress I have made this past year has reversed itself. And the tiniest bad thing happening can yank it out from under you and there's so much that more in your life forever. Last week I hurt my foot - in the end I only limped for a day- but I was making it worse in my head by worrying that I had broke it and would be out of commission for months and then worrying that something even worse could happen and screw me up for the rest of my life. it's like what's the point of going through this and trying to get help and make progress when I feel so scared about the future?

I really do understand this. It really is the worrying about it that is the worst part, isn't. Like an event can last a few minutes or something, but the worrying about that event could have been months leading up to it. Just also realized I forgot to take my pills this morning, that is probably not helping my anxiety at all. I have CPTSD and its objectively terrible. Anyway, I so do not have answers for this. I am sorry that your having to go through the same types of fears and dread. I am always here if you want to talk. <hugs>