Does a part of you wants to be saved?

[noname223]

I absolutely don't want that anyone prohibits me to ctb. I want to have the opportunity for peaceful assisted suicide and I think this should be a human right.
On the other hand I feel rather forced to ctb because I cannot solve some huge problems that I have. I wish someone or something could solve these problems for me. I am hoping for a miracle. So in that sense yes I want to be saved.
But under no circumstances this means that when the pain becomes unbreable and my problems still are not be solved they should lock me up against my will. However many pro-lifer mean that by "saving a life".

Do you want to be saved and what does that mean to you?

 

[willitpass]

i want to be saved from my mental illness, as i'm i don't want to be depressed and suicidal anymore. unfortunately i have exhausted all options to accomplish that. the last thing i want is to be saved from yet another attempt though. i've already been saved from 3 and stopped from even starting a couple others

 

[fatefulstillness]

No, nothing in me wants to be saved. But I desperately wish it wouldn't hurt the people I'll leave behind. I know nothing I do will ever be enough for them, but I can't keep doing this forever.

I hope things get better for you, and I wish you the best no matter what happens

 

[Mr2005]

This is in recovery so I'd imagine so

 

[Sherri]

I do, that's why I'm still here, even being such a hard thing. But don't wanna pass 50, without insulting anyone here. Hope im gone by then.

 

[cambrai33]

Yes would love a miracle to happen as I would love to live but unfortunately it's unlikely to happen and so the last days have begun. They were months and then weeks and passed really fast but now time has come knocking and I have to leave soon

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Of course. I just need someone to give me a reason to keep living. To be given a mission, something important that I need to do. Either that, or a gf (probably wouldn't keep the suicidal ideation away for very long, would just remove the constant pain [which isn't even that big of a factor, had passive ideation before the pain started six years ago]).

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

Once I decide that it is time, absolutely not. I set a target age for myself based on predictable life circumstances and it's starting to look like I'm going to make it (barring disaster). Before that time I would like things to go how I want them, 100% selfishly. The problem is that I don't know what that means.

 

[Onthe29th]

I don't know.. I think I do but I don't have options

 

[eurydice]

Yes. I frequently have fantasies of being on the brink of death via suicide and someone finding me and getting me help. I'm very good at masking so no one in my life knows how much I struggle with my mental illness, and the few people I've ever sort of opened up to didn't really seem to care. I want someone to care, above all else. I want someone to really see me. But that's never going to happen; and i recognize how toxic my fantasy is. Doesn't stop it from being comforting.

 

[noname223]

Of course. I just need someone to give me a reason to keep living. To be given a mission, something important that I need to do. Either that, or a gf (probably wouldn't keep the suicidal ideation away for very long, would just remove the constant pain [which isn't even that big of a factor, had passive ideation before the pain started six years ago]).

I can relate to the gf part. Life is cruel.

 

[lostautist]

I don't need a miracle, I just want to be able to save myself. Maybe that is a miracle, but it's nothing profound.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

i want to be saved from my mental illness

This, this, this.

 

[noname223]

This, this, this.

I have an unhealthy relation to my mental illness. And I think many would recommend not to think like that. But I see it as part of myself. It is so deep inside of myself. Especially my threatment resistant suicidality. The depression got better after a time. But it is still big part of me. I have the feeling my brain is trained to do self-destrution due to the bullying/abuse/violence when I was a minor.

 

[Foresight]

Sometimes my suicide feels like a murder. I know it isn't, it's a choice, but it feels forced. People just could not leave me alone. Finances are going to finance, and drown you in the process.

I don't like that forced feeling and it sucks to see it in others. I often wish people here find their way to their next day. Some people know it's time and you kind of get a sense of that. I appreciate everyone's right to go no matter what.

 

[eyesoftheabyss]

me too. i imagine death to be freeing for myself. i understand the pain that others would experience if i left this way, but every day or every other day i'm in some sort of mental torment. i don't really love the direction the world seems to be heading in, it's been a challenge for me to feel truly hopeful.
i have a younger sibling that's the age i was when i first started having suicidal ideations, they're so young and innocent.. a big part of me doesn't want to traumatize them. they have no idea about my mental health struggles in the past or now.
i want to grow beyond this… turn the dark into light or whatever. it feels harder to do that the older i get.. the unfairness and corruption in the world almost plays into validating my desire to off myself, but the other half of me doesn't want to let this self destructive part of me win

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Not necessarily "saved". Just would like the happiness back I used to have a couple years ago. I lived through hell for decades just to get a shot at it only to lose it.

 

[onleana]

no as i don't believe it's possible. i'll never be saved from suicide because the reason i want to do it is my broken unfixable brain. while i experience many happy moments and have a pretty good life i know i'll forever feel this way. i can forcefully prolong my life for the people who love me but i will never be saved.

 

[Ringo]

Of course I would like to live longer, find a way out of a better situation and treat my condition, but it is something that will take me a long time, time that I honestly do not want to spend like this, for a long time I have only been a cause of pain, regret and extra work for my loved ones, things would be better if I just disappeared.

Anyway, if things go wrong I'll be forced to go back to a worse place and rather than go back there and die, I'd rather take my own life on my own terms.

 

[lachancla1]

I mean, I think everyone would say yes. No one wants to Ctb just for fun. For me, saved would mean ending the pain and hopelessness that swirls around in my head. By taking medication, going to hospitals, going to dr.s', getting ECT, getting Ketamine (a few of the things I've tried) I've been trying to be "saved" for decades. Literally, for 4 decades.

Suicide is only an option because so far, there isn't something that can fix whatever it is going on in our (some of us) brains. At a certain point, suffering becomes inhumane. We understand that with our pets. If I had a dog that chewed on it's foot until it was a bloody pulp, cried and vomited and shook for years, had to be force fed, despite dozens of vet visits, I would ultimately decide to put the dog to sleep. The times I have attempted S, I have been in that pain and despite what some people say - it has not been temporary - what is temporary are the moments of reprieve. The pain (for me) has been consistent and life long. Probably don't need to tell most of you that.

And in a weird way, (again,for me), suicide does become a way of being saved. It ends a relentless life long pain that I and the medical community have been unable to end any other way. I do have hope that in the future, the medical world will advance enough to understand what goes on neurologically for those of us with suicidal depression. I've signed up to donate my brain/brain stem when I die to a university that is doing research on depression. If you are serious about helping further research in this area, I recommend looking into donating your brain as welI. I believe it is something that can be solved, just hasn't happened in my lifetime.

And now I've forgotten what the original f'ing post was about...

I do want to say, for the love of christ, I am not encouraging anyone to "off" themselves. I need to say this. I am only talking about my experience and my shortcomings at solving depression. Everyone has different levels of tolerance and different levels of resilience, and for some people, depression really is temporary. Probably for most people. For some of us though, it is life long and relentless and despite our best efforts at solving it, we can't.

Still can't remember the point of this post. FFS.

 

[Arrow]

I want to be saved from a shitty future

 

[Hirokami]

Honestly, yes. I don't want to have such thoughts anymore. I want my anxiety, trauma, and depression to go away as if it never happened. The only reason why I consider ctb is because I want to escape the everlasting pain. If can escape from it all and still be alive, then I'll gladly take that option instead.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I want a magic wand to wave around and end all of my problems. Yes, I would loved to be saved. I just don't see that happening though.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, not at all. There is no way to save me. I do not want to live, I have never wanted to be alive. I cannot put up with this life for decades. I just want to be at peace.

 

[ultrafuntimes]

It's embarrassing, but when I was younger I'd sometimes fantasize of someone walking in during one of my suicide attempts. I would imagine they would hug me and this dramatic scene would play out, and suddenly I could stand to live somehow.

I know reality isn't like that though. People have tried to "save" me, sent me to psych wards, but all I've gotten out staying in those places is how to tell people what they want to hear so I can leave. I know no one is going to save me, and I'm not going to "get better" unless that's what I actually want.

I guess more than anything I just want to be able to rely on myself to do what's best for me, whatever that is.

 

[D&D]

I think that at the basic, primal level - every human being wish to matter, to be loved, cared for ... have a meaningful, purposeful and fulfilling existence. To have space and time to discover and to nurture authentic self.

Sadly, more often then not it does not happen ... for variety of reasons most of us on here are very well acquainted with. From poverty to mental health, abuse, trauma, etc.

The bigger the chasm between the life we live and the life we would live if we were allowed to become authentic selves, the smaller the 'part' of ourselves that wish to be saved. Eventually, it become as distant as our childhood dreams. The longing becomes grief, then sorrow and finally numbness. We travel inward. Away from the world that never knew us for who we really were. When I think of it all ... it makes me smile. Really smile.

For I know, that no sooner my own life ceases, somewhere, someone's will start. She may not look anything like me, her mouth may never curve the way my do, and her eyes may be of different hue ... but she will come to know the same joys and the same sorrows as I have and all humans do. In whichever guise. I wish her best.

 

[clown_17]

Do I want to be saved from suicide with nothing changing? No.

But do I wish that something could magically fix my problems so that I don't have to commit? Yes.

 

[9BBN]

I don't want to be "saved." I want to be happy or dead or making other people happy.

 

[YesImAware]

It's embarrassing, but when I was younger I'd sometimes fantasize of someone walking in during one of my suicide attempts. I would imagine they would hug me and this dramatic scene would play out, and suddenly I could stand to live somehow.

I know reality isn't like that though. People have tried to "save" me, sent me to psych wards, but all I've gotten out staying in those places is how to tell people what they want to hear so I can leave. I know no one is going to save me, and I'm not going to "get better" unless that's what I actually want.

I guess more than anything I just want to be able to rely on myself to do what's best for me, whatever that is.

You don't have to go today. Message me.

 

[Treeline589]

I've struggled with this question. I have such a strong desire to end my life, yet I am still here. I have a therapist that I have a great relationship with and I can tell all my thoughts too. I of course am hesitant to share my concrete plans but it seems like each week I get closer to confessing my plan. It's almost like I want him to call me on some of the bs I say to make it look like I don't have a plan.