I think my psyche likes to torture me. And there is a big inner self-hatred that likes to punish me. In my head I am going through the same thing my mother put me through as a child. From 5-15 she treated me like shit. Beated me up daily, insulted me, kicked me. I am doing this now as an adult to myself every single day. I am never enough. I wish I was really smart. But all I am is a fraud. My obsession with intelligence is disgusting. Really intelligent people don't care about intelligence. This is going on non-stop.
I have internalized this quantum physics professor as my inner critic. And he did not consider me smart at all. He pitied me for what I am. I am looking at myself through his eyes. Which is insane. Such a smart person would not judge me in such a harsh way after experiencing such severe abuse. Still I am torturing me over it.
My brain never stops. I am distracting myself all the time from the pain. But it feels like my brain is addicted to pain. It makes me feel like I deserve it. I am worrying all the time. From one thing to the next.
I listen all day long to politics. Because it is my special interest. But I am simply not as good as I wish I would be. I can impress some friends with it. But I never will be an expert. I think my knowledge is also too general. I had to be an expert in one field. But tbh it is hopeless. I think I am very deep and eloquent. This is one thing I am really good in. I am exteremly deep but not very smart. I am good at introspection. But the introspection does not help much when one's emotions and feelings are so overwhelmingly awful. I try to remind all the time to stop the self-loathing from becoming too excessive.
I try to cling to hope. But it gets really difficult when therapists lose hope in you. I more and more simply give it up. I barely get rewarded for trying anyway. I am clinging to a miracle that could save me. Someone in my self-help group said "Well I need to work if I want to survive." Well I cannot work which might imply I have to kill myself. I noticed I have a very deterministic look at my future. Some things happened which I never considered. Positive and negative events. More often negative though. I try look at my life rationally, I read about futurology. One even has to plan for the seemingly impossible scenarios. And this is what I am doing. Futurology also emphasizes that one should not think of the future as something that comes passively over you. You can be a part of it and create it. I am not sure what this means for my life. My goal is having enough money to survive and finding a signifcant other. College was a living hell which almost drove me over the edge. The same applied to all attemtpts to find work. I think in this instance I need to give it up. The partnerships I don't know. I try to be part of social activities even though I am often overwhelmed by it. But all these rejections are also fucking frustrating.
Something positive happened which I did not expect. The supplements seemingly help. My sleep was way better but maybe this was a coincidence. I researched what could potentially help if one is going through a benzo withdrawal. I am so desperate that I am not ruling out doing sports anymore.
I have many cognitive biases. My hope gets high after a small positive event but it can backfire completely when the hope vanishes. The results are mood swings which are a living hell. I am overanalyzing everything all the fucking time. I am looking at it from many different perspectives. And in therapy one could say this is a positive resource of mine. However, I think my thinking is not the solution to my problems. it is the core issue. But is this conclusion wrong if my biased thinking led to it? At this point I don't know. I think most therapists are not particularly helpful at battling this fight. Sometimes they reinforce my black white thinking and cognitive baises. Sometimes they helped though. Which would say it is not completely black and white.
I have internalized this quantum physics professor as my inner critic. And he did not consider me smart at all. He pitied me for what I am. I am looking at myself through his eyes. Which is insane. Such a smart person would not judge me in such a harsh way after experiencing such severe abuse. Still I am torturing me over it.
My brain never stops. I am distracting myself all the time from the pain. But it feels like my brain is addicted to pain. It makes me feel like I deserve it. I am worrying all the time. From one thing to the next.
I listen all day long to politics. Because it is my special interest. But I am simply not as good as I wish I would be. I can impress some friends with it. But I never will be an expert. I think my knowledge is also too general. I had to be an expert in one field. But tbh it is hopeless. I think I am very deep and eloquent. This is one thing I am really good in. I am exteremly deep but not very smart. I am good at introspection. But the introspection does not help much when one's emotions and feelings are so overwhelmingly awful. I try to remind all the time to stop the self-loathing from becoming too excessive.
I try to cling to hope. But it gets really difficult when therapists lose hope in you. I more and more simply give it up. I barely get rewarded for trying anyway. I am clinging to a miracle that could save me. Someone in my self-help group said "Well I need to work if I want to survive." Well I cannot work which might imply I have to kill myself. I noticed I have a very deterministic look at my future. Some things happened which I never considered. Positive and negative events. More often negative though. I try look at my life rationally, I read about futurology. One even has to plan for the seemingly impossible scenarios. And this is what I am doing. Futurology also emphasizes that one should not think of the future as something that comes passively over you. You can be a part of it and create it. I am not sure what this means for my life. My goal is having enough money to survive and finding a signifcant other. College was a living hell which almost drove me over the edge. The same applied to all attemtpts to find work. I think in this instance I need to give it up. The partnerships I don't know. I try to be part of social activities even though I am often overwhelmed by it. But all these rejections are also fucking frustrating.
Something positive happened which I did not expect. The supplements seemingly help. My sleep was way better but maybe this was a coincidence. I researched what could potentially help if one is going through a benzo withdrawal. I am so desperate that I am not ruling out doing sports anymore.
I have many cognitive biases. My hope gets high after a small positive event but it can backfire completely when the hope vanishes. The results are mood swings which are a living hell. I am overanalyzing everything all the fucking time. I am looking at it from many different perspectives. And in therapy one could say this is a positive resource of mine. However, I think my thinking is not the solution to my problems. it is the core issue. But is this conclusion wrong if my biased thinking led to it? At this point I don't know. I think most therapists are not particularly helpful at battling this fight. Sometimes they reinforce my black white thinking and cognitive baises. Sometimes they helped though. Which would say it is not completely black and white.
