MetroPunk
Member
- May 21, 2024
- 49
This is an addition to a log I am forming up until my CTB Date. My first post has been copied and pasted for clarity, so that the log may be read with as little effort as possible.
"Document" 1/7/25
I cut myself on my leg deeper than I anticipated and it kinda sucks. It didn't have any sensation to it at all this time. I literally could not feel the razor. I'm thinking about ctb via razor to neck somewhere far from my house, I always really enjoyed the woods. The whole lack of any kind of sensation thing is making wonder if I could replicate that deep enough on my jugular without really feeling it. I would have to do it super quick and with a bit of conviction otherwise I'm just gonna put myself in a super crappy position. I've been thinking about it consistently for a month now. I was always suicidal but I've started planning, I think that's a personal sign for myself. I can't get through the day without muttering "I want to die" out loud, it almost seems like a tick or something because I don't feel like I necessarily have control over it, I just constantly say it. This obviously makes being around other people pretty awkward and difficult. I'm just going to start logging everything onto here, writing it out where someone could find it seems like a bad idea. I'm giving myself until 2/7/2025 and I'll have to have a solid enough plan ready by then. I don't know if this sounds crazy but I don't feel like I'm even sad necessarily, just kind of exhausted I guess. I'm 32 now, I don't really want to see what 33 looks like.
"Document, Addition" 1/27/25
My leg is still open where I cut myself twenty days ago, on the 7th of January. I gave myself one month from then to formulate some kind of plan to finally get this done. I haven't necessarily picked my method yet, but I'm extremely sure it is going to revolve around breathing chemicals from a bag, or placing the bag around my head with the chemicals in it already, something to that effect. I started a new medication, Caplyta not too long after I gave myself the little leg wound. I'm not sure if it's just life or the medication that's getting me to this level of desire for death, but I can say that I didn't turn anything away when it was presented to me. I gave therapy many years, a healthy shot at it. I gave medication many years, another healthy shot I took. Yoga, journaling, meditation, speaking about my feelings, ignoring my feelings and focusing on hobbies or work. Meeting new people, cutting out the bad ones I had already known. I think when I meet God, he won't have much to say about me on that front. Or Saint Peter, whoever is supposed to greet me. I think they're going to have to say that I tried. I am so tired, my emotions, my thoughts don't register as depression or misery anymore. It's like an incessant itch in the back of my mind and there is no scratching it away. Thank the universe for this site. I say it plenty and I'm sure I'll say it a few more times before I'm done. I can't think of anything else on earth that is at once, focused on both compassion and death. I can't think of anywhere else in the world that I get to say this things so I don't have to think about this in a consistent loop in my mind. What makes me even happier, are the friends I've made here. Some that I speak to outside of SaSu, some that I play videogames with. All that I can speak to openly about anything. There truly are a great many special people here. I do care and hope and pray for all of you, my favorite people, a true community.
Exhaustion. Today I feel exhaustion. I think I've thought enough for today. Until next time, friends. Compassion guide you.
"Document" 1/7/25
I cut myself on my leg deeper than I anticipated and it kinda sucks. It didn't have any sensation to it at all this time. I literally could not feel the razor. I'm thinking about ctb via razor to neck somewhere far from my house, I always really enjoyed the woods. The whole lack of any kind of sensation thing is making wonder if I could replicate that deep enough on my jugular without really feeling it. I would have to do it super quick and with a bit of conviction otherwise I'm just gonna put myself in a super crappy position. I've been thinking about it consistently for a month now. I was always suicidal but I've started planning, I think that's a personal sign for myself. I can't get through the day without muttering "I want to die" out loud, it almost seems like a tick or something because I don't feel like I necessarily have control over it, I just constantly say it. This obviously makes being around other people pretty awkward and difficult. I'm just going to start logging everything onto here, writing it out where someone could find it seems like a bad idea. I'm giving myself until 2/7/2025 and I'll have to have a solid enough plan ready by then. I don't know if this sounds crazy but I don't feel like I'm even sad necessarily, just kind of exhausted I guess. I'm 32 now, I don't really want to see what 33 looks like.
"Document, Addition" 1/27/25
My leg is still open where I cut myself twenty days ago, on the 7th of January. I gave myself one month from then to formulate some kind of plan to finally get this done. I haven't necessarily picked my method yet, but I'm extremely sure it is going to revolve around breathing chemicals from a bag, or placing the bag around my head with the chemicals in it already, something to that effect. I started a new medication, Caplyta not too long after I gave myself the little leg wound. I'm not sure if it's just life or the medication that's getting me to this level of desire for death, but I can say that I didn't turn anything away when it was presented to me. I gave therapy many years, a healthy shot at it. I gave medication many years, another healthy shot I took. Yoga, journaling, meditation, speaking about my feelings, ignoring my feelings and focusing on hobbies or work. Meeting new people, cutting out the bad ones I had already known. I think when I meet God, he won't have much to say about me on that front. Or Saint Peter, whoever is supposed to greet me. I think they're going to have to say that I tried. I am so tired, my emotions, my thoughts don't register as depression or misery anymore. It's like an incessant itch in the back of my mind and there is no scratching it away. Thank the universe for this site. I say it plenty and I'm sure I'll say it a few more times before I'm done. I can't think of anything else on earth that is at once, focused on both compassion and death. I can't think of anywhere else in the world that I get to say this things so I don't have to think about this in a consistent loop in my mind. What makes me even happier, are the friends I've made here. Some that I speak to outside of SaSu, some that I play videogames with. All that I can speak to openly about anything. There truly are a great many special people here. I do care and hope and pray for all of you, my favorite people, a true community.
Exhaustion. Today I feel exhaustion. I think I've thought enough for today. Until next time, friends. Compassion guide you.
