I've always leaned toward doing it alone.
I see it as a rather intimate and personal act.
I don't want any outside influence..although I am angry that I don't actually have any choice in the matter, that I couldn't have someone there if I wanted to..or if such a loved one even existed to support me.
I am quite sick and tired of having to be the only one who has to bear witness to the majority of my suffering, of which the dying process could also fall under.
My method is not instantaneous.
But what really bothers me is that I have nobody to be there for me outside of the day I die..I am alone in my suffering and torment.
Forever and always, especially with those relative to me.
Denied the right to speak on it or to so much as receive sympathy, which even lesser things are generously afforded.
I'm SO tired..I'm SO angry..I am defeated..yet I think, somehow, miraculously, there exists some type of 'fight' in me..leftovers full of hatred and readiness to attack and destroy and assert the significance of my own suffering.
Unfortunately, life won't honor me the type of battle I have the means to fight..so this fervor of mine has nowhere to go.
My problems are the type where it becomes futile..like swatting and thrashing into poisonous air…into my own flesh.
If only that poison would solidify and morph itself into a ball, a beast outside of myself, an opponent I could look in the eye and fight to a bloody pulp..or until it kills me.
At least I'd have the chance to exchange blows rather than have my limbs tied and my mouth gagged, a human punching bag.
Anyway, back from my tangent…it is unfair that you do not have the option that you seek.
If you didn't have to fear the consequences (of which there should be none) then you would be able to freely ask your loved one to be by your side.
I mean..things are bad enough, and to be denied such a comfort at the very end..that is criminal.