NSFW do you think that you being friends with people makes their lives worse indirectly?

[monetpompo]

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i literally always think this and it's one of the main reasons i want to kill myself lol. i don't want anyone i care deeply for or care about at all to bear witness to my suicide attempts or constant depressive episodes in between the "good parts" of being friends with me, which is what they ultimately signed up for. i don't want my own mental state to affect others, because i know it affects others unless i just avoid saying anything about it at all. but that just feels impossible. if i'm not giving them enough "good parts" then i really should just up and leave their lives so they can be happy with friends that can regulate their emotions properly, while i play in my proverbial sandbox and weep because i have no way to become mature.

i just feel like my feelings are too much for anybody. i'm way more unstable and clingy when i'm isolated and in a perpetual depressive spiral that doesn't end unless i kill myself or get a boyfriend that distracts me from my own problems. it's really fucked up that heteronormativity is so engrained in other people that they tell me that dating a guy will make my life way better, because my life is fucking empty and destitute if i'm not hopelessly in love with a guy. when i'm hanging out with a guy at all people have literally assumed we're dating, and that's fucked up.

when i was 2 years younger i used to engage in self destructive sex to avoid wrecking a relationship with someone, because i knew i was unstable and undesirable, but then i started getting attached to these random guys i was having sex with because i didn't actually feel close to anyone in my life. for all of 2025 i was celibate because i was fixated on suicide. now when i think about sex i just feel like i have nothing left, because i've let myself go after not leaving the house or exercising at all during my depression. i stopped making myself pretty, because i had no one to look pretty for anymore. i hate the entire month of feburary because it's all about love and dating and you're a garbage piece of shit if you're not in love or happy that other people are in love. for all of december i was irritated because everything was love songs and couples and having a merry, merry christmas with your family. last year i was incredibly miserable and i isolated from everyone or tried to get them to hate me, because i hated myself. and i think that i'll always keep on doing that, because that's the kind of person i am.

i'm just miserable. i'm just a miserable person. i don't want to infect anybody with my negativity and fearful self-loathing anymore, because i know it's seeping out of every pore of my body. i just feel like strangling myself or selling my phone at an electronics store so i never text anyone still in my life and "lose" everyone's numbers. i want to disappear from everyone's lives so they just stop caring about me already. i hate that people care about me when i don't feel like anyone should.

i feel like i can't be close to anyone in any way because i get too jealous and i'm too fixated on the idea that i have an "expiration date" in people's lives. i wish that my death would happen so that i didn't have to put any effort into disappearing. because i really do wish that people would assume that i'm dead if they don't hear back from me, even though that's messed up. i haven't ever thought to myself, "i contribute a lot to my friends' and family's lives", because i don't. i don't contribute anything. i don't do anything. i'm just a mentally ill loser. i only feel good if i buy gifts for people because at least i'm giving something they can enjoy even if they don't like me, but i don't have enough money to constantly be giving people gifts. i think that if i keep feeling like this i don't deserve to be friends with anybody.

 

[doloris988]

it's so hard to be attached to people, so hard to love anyone when everything is always so volatile it feels like its just easier to stay away and staying away is so lonely and hurts so much
wishing you happiness

 

[itsgone2]

Yes. I'm cancer.

 

[Happy Cat]

I never get to that point lmao. I always stop talking to them in less than a month. This is online though, I can't find friends irl I'm too anti-social

it's so hard to be attached to people, so hard to love anyone when everything is always so volatile it feels like its just easier to stay away and staying away is so lonely and hurts so much
wishing you happiness

I try finding people that are like me and literally no one is like that. I'm too picky for my own good

 

[Jadeith]

i literally always think this and it's one of the main reasons i want to kill myself lol. i don't want anyone i care deeply for or care about at all to bear witness to my suicide attempts or constant depressive episodes in between the "good parts" of being friends with me, which is what they ultimately signed up for. i don't want my own mental state to affect others, because i know it affects others unless i just avoid saying anything about it at all. but that just feels impossible. if i'm not giving them enough "good parts" then i really should just up and leave their lives so they can be happy with friends that can regulate their emotions properly, while i play in my proverbial sandbox and weep because i have no way to become mature.

It's not your presence that makes their life worse, directly or indirectly. Losing you definitely will. I know that mindset many of us share (me to some point included) says that we're a burden. A destructive force that taints others, making them miserable and making them suffer. Thing is, if you got anyone that sticks around despite of all that dark aura you think you emanate - that person on persons actually chose on their own to stay within your "circles". It was their decision to stick around despite all the shit you tell (or rather your mind tries to tell you) about yourself and however you might think they are suffering now, they will suffer 10x more when you're gone.
Not trying to guilt trip you out of CTBing, just don't lie to yourself that they will not miss you and they will suffer less than with you existing.

 

[monetpompo]

Not trying to guilt trip you out of CTBing, just don't lie to yourself that they will not miss you and they will suffer less than with you existing.

thank you dawg. self hatred and suicidal tendencies are paradoxical because you can care deeply about others who experiences the same symptoms as you or worry about the people close to you, but hate yourself 100x more than you care about others.

my friends probably will miss me. i secretly enjoy reading threads about people talking about how their loved ones might feel and then seeing "they'll move on", because i feel like they'll realize how much i sucked now that i'm dead. but i would never feel that way about someone else, even if i actually hated them. i've thought the same about sasu members that related to the way i feel. it feels weird that people here understand the way my thoughts work when everyone else just says they're illogical and don't make sense. it's so easy to hate yourself when you feel like you spread negativity by existing.

 

[fadedghost]

View attachment 191934​

i literally always think this and it's one of the main reasons i want to kill myself lol. i don't want anyone i care deeply for or care about at all to bear witness to my suicide attempts or constant depressive episodes in between the "good parts" of being friends with me, which is what they ultimately signed up for. i don't want my own mental state to affect others, because i know it affects others unless i just avoid saying anything about it at all. but that just feels impossible. if i'm not giving them enough "good parts" then i really should just up and leave their lives so they can be happy with friends that can regulate their emotions properly, while i play in my proverbial sandbox and weep because i have no way to become mature.

i just feel like my feelings are too much for anybody. i'm way more unstable and clingy when i'm isolated and in a perpetual depressive spiral that doesn't end unless i kill myself or get a boyfriend that distracts me from my own problems. it's really fucked up that heteronormativity is so engrained in other people that they tell me that dating a guy will make my life way better, because my life is fucking empty and destitute if i'm not hopelessly in love with a guy. when i'm hanging out with a guy at all people have literally assumed we're dating, and that's fucked up.

when i was 2 years younger i used to engage in self destructive sex to avoid wrecking a relationship with someone, because i knew i was unstable and undesirable, but then i started getting attached to these random guys i was having sex with because i didn't actually feel close to anyone in my life. for all of 2025 i was celibate because i was fixated on suicide. now when i think about sex i just feel like i have nothing left, because i've let myself go after not leaving the house or exercising at all during my depression. i stopped making myself pretty, because i had no one to look pretty for anymore. i hate the entire month of feburary because it's all about love and dating and you're a garbage piece of shit if you're not in love or happy that other people are in love. for all of december i was irritated because everything was love songs and couples and having a merry, merry christmas with your family. last year i was incredibly miserable and i isolated from everyone or tried to get them to hate me, because i hated myself. and i think that i'll always keep on doing that, because that's the kind of person i am.

i'm just miserable. i'm just a miserable person. i don't want to infect anybody with my negativity and fearful self-loathing anymore, because i know it's seeping out of every pore of my body. i just feel like strangling myself or selling my phone at an electronics store so i never text anyone still in my life and "lose" everyone's numbers. i want to disappear from everyone's lives so they just stop caring about me already. i hate that people care about me when i don't feel like anyone should.

i feel like i can't be close to anyone in any way because i get too jealous and i'm too fixated on the idea that i have an "expiration date" in people's lives. i wish that my death would happen so that i didn't have to put any effort into disappearing. because i really do wish that people would assume that i'm dead if they don't hear back from me, even though that's messed up. i haven't ever thought to myself, "i contribute a lot to my friends' and family's lives", because i don't. i don't contribute anything. i don't do anything. i'm just a mentally ill loser. i only feel good if i buy gifts for people because at least i'm giving something they can enjoy even if they don't like me, but i don't have enough money to constantly be giving people gifts. i think that if i keep feeling like this i don't deserve to be friends with anybody.

thr correct way to be episodically crazy is that when you are not doing well, you avoud ftiends like the plague, and only interact with them when you are functional

Alao find some reason to justify this (ie "lots of work" or "traveling for work in area with low cell service").

It's better to be unavailable for 2-3 months and then come back ehen you are okay. People forget you at 4-5 months so you can skip a month or two even try three in worst case.

 

[Reishi]

Life sadly isnt magically going to get better. I sadly know it often doesn't. I'm not trying to fix you or talk you out of how you feel but know its not selfish for wanting closeness or stability or love.You're not replaceable, you might tell yourself that but in the end no one ever is. You don't have to earn your place by giving gifts or withholding your pain. You're allowed to take up space without apologizing for it.

 

[assassinlord82]

Being a pessimist I feel contributes alot.

 

[Jadeith]

thank you dawg. self hatred and suicidal tendencies are paradoxical because you can care deeply about others who experiences the same symptoms as you or worry about the people close to you, but hate yourself 100x more than you care about others.

True. This strange version of compassion that one shows to others but cannot spare for themselves seem prevalent here and with other suicidal people.

my friends probably will miss me.

Not probably. If they are your friends, they WILL miss you.

i secretly enjoy reading threads about people talking about how their loved ones might feel and then seeing "they'll move on", because i feel like they'll realize how much i sucked now that i'm dead

That's pretty common lie. "World will be better without me", "i'm shitty person making others miserable" etc but if you try to ask such person "prove it. explain precisely how are you a bad person", they usually can't or try that "i'm miserable so i must make them miserable too" fallacy. Thing is, while it is somewhat true, meaning your suffering causes some suffering in others, that doesn't make you a bad person. When a child catches cold, their parents (in functional family) will get worried aka this fact will inflict some kind of hurt on them but is it child's fault? No. You are troubled, your mind is fucked (otherwise you wouldn't be here) and yes, that makes those who care about you worried and those who are deeply compassionate might even feel pain, mental or otherwise. But is it your fault? Did you ask to be as you are? And as i said before - they stayed, right? Despite you being miserable, despite your darkness and your suffering. That was THEIR choice, not yours. They wanted to stay with you and they want you to stay, even if it's a bit selfish of them.

 

[WildChoice.]

As some of the users who responded have already written, I think it's difficult to love someone when everything in life is unstable.