Discussion Do you keep a suifuel log?

[TAW122]

Throughout my life, I've keep a little log, journal, diary or whatever you wish to call it as list of events and incidents that fuel my suicidal ideation. The reason for this is to keep track of the wrongs and transgressions done by others so I do not forget about what happened. For some, it can be therapeutic, but for me, it helps me remember how shitty humanity really is and when the time comes, it would help push me over the edge. While I have already made up my mind about CTB'ing, I just don't wish to forget the times where humanity and people in general have wronged me or caused transgressions, as that allows me to avoid being harmed more than necessary and that I don't fall into the delusion of how benevolent and benign humans are. Perhaps I'm a misanthrope (I consider myself to be), but I've been hurt more than helped in my life; the negatives outweigh the positives on a macro level scale for me.

Do you guys keep a event log, journal, diary, etc. of transgressions and/or incidents or whatever events that contribute to your suicidality?

 

[Thereisnothing]

No I dont keep any records/logs............I did have a spell when used to but found for me it used to fuel how felt and at that time i was in a serious mental breakdown and was wanting to get back up and just found more i wrote, worse it got.
However writing in itself is helpful for expression/unloading.
These days I am not suicidal because of mental health and others, but serious health problems and grief, just me now against the world and its so frightening, when have noone/support.................keep hoping wont be long till body gives up naturally and wont be anymore worse pain/symptom wise to cope with on my way out.............after all I have suffered my life, surely deserve a peaceful transition.
Good idea this thread/post

 

[deadalready]

Yes, I write my thoughts down on Evernote, however, I don't have time to go through everything, just some random thoughts, but once in a while, I connected the dots by going through the thoughts. Not necessarily for suicidefuel purpose.

 

[OneBigBlur]

Only in the past year or so as before I didn't have the motivation to keep it updated before then. I always knew I'd commit suicide but writing in my journal about how broken the world is made me more determined to CTB then ever before. Writing down how inhumane and useless the mental health field is, people's ignorance towards suffering and their worthless offers of "help", humanities obsession with materialism and shallowness, etc really made me want to CTB even more.

 

[HopeDiesLast]

Nope. If it's bad enough to contribute to my suicidality, then it is not something I need to write down to remember. I wish I could forget all the stuff..

 

[Mj29nd]

I have extreme OCD so I have to maintain a log of grocery shopping financial transactions. Otherwise I tend to go severely crazy doubting myself.

 

[TAW122]

Good answers everyone, and while the poll shows more people not keeping a log, I can understand why. For some, it seems like a painful reminder and they would rather not have bad memories of their past coming to haunt them (makes sense). For those that keep a log, like myself, well we use it as a defense mechanism and as a reminder that we don't wish to get hurt in the future again (by remembering what happened so they don't make the same mistakes again).