Do you internalize your emotions and feelings or do you have a valve to set you free of them?

[noname223]

When I was a teenager I watched "Malcom in the Middle". In one episode Malcom developed a stomach ulcer. I don't know the details but he often tried to be silent instead of being a smartass. He threw up blood later in the episode because of it. When I watched that I had so much the feeling exactly this will happen to me. I was a teenager, suicidal and exposed to abuse. I never opened up to anyone. My coping skill was studying in an extreme form. I was suicidal because of the emotional pain and my coping skill was torturing me with stress and pressure. Noone knew from my suicidality. When I read in this forum many people have noone to share their thoughts in real life this makes me deeply sad. Opening up to people helped me a lot.

There is a concept that is called expressed emotions.
"Expressed emotion (EE), is a measure of the family environment that is based on how the relatives of a psychiatric patient spontaneously talk about the patient. It specifically measures three to five aspects of the family environment: the most important are critical comments, hostility, emotional over-involvement, with positivity and warmth sometimes also included as indications of a low-EE environment." Sometimes high expressed emotions can worsen the prognosis for some disorders.

I am not expert but I think they don't mean by that whether or not a patient opens up to someone. It rather reminded me of my family and the toxicity of the environment. All the verbal and phyical abuse. It was like the perfect storm. I had noone to talk to and internalized all the pain without having someone to talk to.

I think the internalization and unhealthy way to cope led to my collapse. I was like in an hamster wheel. No escape and no hope for a better life. So my brain decided to go on self-destruction mode. Though this is not 100% correct in my opinion because something else triggered my first mixed manic epsisode.

I think having a valve is extremely important for staying stable. At least in my case. I cannot really say how much is helps to stay stable. But writing in this forum helps me emotionally so fucking much. I have the feeling it reduces manic symptoms but I cannot clearly say how much because it has become my rountine to write here. I think I can sleep worse without having this forum as a valve. I wake up ealier in the morning which is pretty detrimental for my health.

However I think one should not only have online interactions related to one topic. I have my real life friends with whom I have phone calls. Like yesterday. It was pretty good and could help me to relax. All my friends know about my thoughts and I am glad I don't have to hide anything.
There was a time I spammed them a lot. They replied they were kind of overwhelmed by it. As you might recognize it when you read my threads I have a high urge to express myself. Writing here is like a mood diary with feedback.

I also have made bad experiences when I opened up to someone. But overall the benefits were way higher than the costs. I cannot imagine anymore how it feels when noone knows it in real life. It must feel very isolated and lonely. But I could be wrong.

I think finding coping skills and a valve is very important. Though not all tips work for everyone the same. I listen to sad music which chills me. Some other people might find it sad. It is probably pretty individual. As a teenager watching gore was another coping skill of mine. I am glad I quit that it was poison for my soul.

Do you have a valve? Or do you try to deal with your emotions on your own?

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

It appears to depend greatly on who/how you are, and those with whom you surround yourself. Although internalizing isn't the best course of action, for me it makes the most sense. My emotions seem to just get me into more trouble. So I avoid them. When you acknowledge them, they have greater power to influence you, and I already deal with enough nonsense as it is.

 

[looseye]

I do not have a valve in the real world. I wish I could emotionally connect with my parents but every time I visit them they are drunk and insufferable human beings. Sometimes I wish I had reallife friends but past experiences have shown that social relationships tend to break apart when you open up about your struggles. It's simple, nobody gives a shit and nobody can relate.

SaSu is my valve. So, so, so often I spend an hour typing something, only to discard it because I feel those aren't the right words to describe the emotions I'm experiencing. It still helps though. Just putting my thoughts down helps a little in rationalizing the situation and understanding what's going on. It's not much, but it's something.

 

[Rapière]

Internalize

 

[Maudlin]

Do you have a valve? Or do you try to deal with your emotions on your own?

I usually ignore them until they overwhelm me. Thankfully, that doesn't happen very often. I've been told I've got sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies... but I care little for what head shrinkers say.

I do feel emotion. I just rarely have the time or inclination to roll around in them. What is, is... no matter how I feel about it. If I'm angry, depressed or too excited or lovestruck I rarely make the best decisions.

It's easier and better for me to let my brain do the thinking and leave my feelings out of it, for the most part.

 

[wait.what]

I'm an internalizer. It was my best option growing up, and I think it's helped make my medical problems as bad as they are. Unfortunately, I've had mostly bad experiences being really open about how deep my despair can get. My friends and family "know" I struggle with severe depression, but i don't go into it in detail. They need me not to do that, honestly, and I can't afford to burn my support system out. It's amazing I even have one. It doesn't really pay to be too specific with my psyche docs, either. Not so much because they'll commit me—that's for when your suicidal urges abruptly become acute. How do they commit you if your suicidality is acute all the time? Is my family supposed to buy a bay in the Emergency Room and then use it as a time share? They essentially have. That's why I live in an old folks' home.

The only place I can be real about what's happening with me is here.