I read often depression can weaken your will. It drags you down. This is why fighting against it is so hard.
I probably have an extreme strong will. This sounds kind of arrogant but I think it is the truth. However there were many days in my life where depression had the full control of me and I barely made it out of the bed. I can remember aftter my second psychosis I wanted to avoid fallling again into this deep dark hole. Well I collapsed. I think it was physically and mentally impossible to go on with college. I felt extremely overwhelmed and overburdened. I and my family pressured me to go on. I was close to another collapse. My last day at college I was extremely desperate. It was all too much. I had a to laugh very loud at the bus which was awkward. I think that is called parathymia but I am not fully sure. The emotions were very extreme. Soon afterwards I had to go to a clinic because I became acute suicidal and major-depressive. I think it was impossible to resist the depression. I think probably noone could have done it.
I can have a very strong will. I have done a lot of shit. I lost 35 kilogramm within a year. I studied twice so much till I got a psychosis. (I was manic that gave me the power and it was kind of pathological) But I even went on with studying and studied even more during the psychosis. My therapists were astonished that someone can do something like that. It demanded extreme self-control.
Honestly I am just fueled wih extreme anxiety, manic symptoms, insecurities that I compensate and a lot of self-hatred. It will drive to commit suicide in the end but having a lot of energy and a strong will can lead to a good performance in some instances. But is it worth it? Hell no. I am going through hell I am probably not even able to hold a job anyway.
David Foster Wallace wrote that his will was affected by the illness (depression) so strong that it made it almost impossible for him to quit addiction or to think more positive. He felt trapped. I don't really share that in the exact same way. I rather think my pathologies will haunt me one day and force me to kill myself when the extreme psychosomatic pain returns. I also had the theory I could never leave depression both times at my last major-depressive epsiodes. That was a thinking fallacy. But I have other unsolvable issues sadly. The depression was temporary. However some core problems remained. I am trying to make the best out of it. But damn the hand is shitty.
I think despite my strong will I cannot change my fate. But I will try for sure. One can never predict future so I try to be more agnostic.
Maybe another reason for my very strong will is my OCD and kind of the eating disorder. I think it forces me to do some shit which feel terrible but it triggers me so much when I am not doing them. So I am kind of a slave thankfully to the abuse and bullying. It is all a big cynical game which was always rigged against me. I never had the chance to become happy.
I probably have an extreme strong will. This sounds kind of arrogant but I think it is the truth. However there were many days in my life where depression had the full control of me and I barely made it out of the bed. I can remember aftter my second psychosis I wanted to avoid fallling again into this deep dark hole. Well I collapsed. I think it was physically and mentally impossible to go on with college. I felt extremely overwhelmed and overburdened. I and my family pressured me to go on. I was close to another collapse. My last day at college I was extremely desperate. It was all too much. I had a to laugh very loud at the bus which was awkward. I think that is called parathymia but I am not fully sure. The emotions were very extreme. Soon afterwards I had to go to a clinic because I became acute suicidal and major-depressive. I think it was impossible to resist the depression. I think probably noone could have done it.
I can have a very strong will. I have done a lot of shit. I lost 35 kilogramm within a year. I studied twice so much till I got a psychosis. (I was manic that gave me the power and it was kind of pathological) But I even went on with studying and studied even more during the psychosis. My therapists were astonished that someone can do something like that. It demanded extreme self-control.
Honestly I am just fueled wih extreme anxiety, manic symptoms, insecurities that I compensate and a lot of self-hatred. It will drive to commit suicide in the end but having a lot of energy and a strong will can lead to a good performance in some instances. But is it worth it? Hell no. I am going through hell I am probably not even able to hold a job anyway.
David Foster Wallace wrote that his will was affected by the illness (depression) so strong that it made it almost impossible for him to quit addiction or to think more positive. He felt trapped. I don't really share that in the exact same way. I rather think my pathologies will haunt me one day and force me to kill myself when the extreme psychosomatic pain returns. I also had the theory I could never leave depression both times at my last major-depressive epsiodes. That was a thinking fallacy. But I have other unsolvable issues sadly. The depression was temporary. However some core problems remained. I am trying to make the best out of it. But damn the hand is shitty.
I think despite my strong will I cannot change my fate. But I will try for sure. One can never predict future so I try to be more agnostic.
Maybe another reason for my very strong will is my OCD and kind of the eating disorder. I think it forces me to do some shit which feel terrible but it triggers me so much when I am not doing them. So I am kind of a slave thankfully to the abuse and bullying. It is all a big cynical game which was always rigged against me. I never had the chance to become happy.
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