Do you hate yourself or the pain your in? Both?

[sad_frog]

Everyday I wake up and the bad thoughts race to my brain. Everything I did wrong, everything I could have handled better, everything that I missed out on or was too stupid to understand at the time. I hate myself inside and out. I am a shame powered machine. My memory only remembers the bad things.. Ive blamed everything on me. Ive pushed all my friends away because there's no reason for them to be friends with me. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

 

[Soul]

@sad_frog, I'm sorry you're struggling. Have you tried any therapy to nudge your mind into a less toxic position? Do you want to try anything like that? Does it help at all to know most of us have similar feelings at least sometimes? (((Hugs)))

 

[sad_frog]

@sad_frog, I'm sorry you're struggling. Have you tried any therapy to nudge your mind into a less toxic position? Do you want to try anything like that? Does it help at all to know most of us have similar feelings at least sometimes? (((Hugs)))

I wish I could go to therapy or even DBT to learn how to handle my recently diagnosed BPD but I simply don't have the money. I can barely pay for my medication.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm sorry you are struggling too @sad_frog . I originally hated the situation I'm in. But those who I've trusted have made me feel worthless.

 

[BPD_LE]

I hate myself, but I hate my family more for failing to provide me with an environment from which I could flourish.

 

[LastWhisper]

Rather, I feel sorry for myself, because I can't fix my stupid life.

 

[howard]

I feel more anger with myself for letting this situation develop.
I do constantly ruminate on my childhood (in my 50s now) and try to work out where the rot started.
It wont change my future of course I know that. My situation is beyond repair now but I almost feel the need to understand what went wrong before my exit.
I wish you well, and as they say 'dont beat yourself up to much, life is shit and you didn't create it.

 

[Conker]

I don't have any hatred for myself, I only want the pain & sorrow to stop..

 

[pushka]

If I was asked this question a few years ago, or maybe not so long ago, I would have said both. But, I think I've moved past that and learned to accept who I actually am; it's the pain I just want to stop.

 

[Fragile]

at some point in my life i felt more like a victim, i hated how my life was fucked beyond repair by others and by my illnesses, i always hated the way i was forn, i really felt like everything was outside of my control and in some way it definitelly was and still is.

now i know that i'm also to blame, not entirely of course, but i blame myself for not doing enough in this life and isolating myself inside my head in order to escape from my reality, all the time that i wasted could have been used towards my dreams or my health, maybe i wouldn't be so alone if only i hadn't pushed every single friend aside, but i a way that's a good thing, they will not suffer once i'm gone.

if only it was so easy as to just go to sleep and never wake up, in a way that's the only dream that i still hold, and probably the only dream that i can accomplish.

 

[alexithymia]

I relate to your post, OP. I feel like the only emotions I feel are shame, guilt, and fear. Other than that, I'm hollow.
I feel like I only remember the bad things too. It's like my existence is pure suffering when realistically I know there are many who have far worse circumstances; leading to more guilt. Mental illness has destroyed my life.

 

[Mr2005]

I hate myself. The pain is deserved and trying to end it only causes more

 

[Return2Dust]

Everyday I wake up and the bad thoughts race to my brain. Everything I did wrong, everything I could have handled better, everything that I missed out on or was too stupid to understand at the time. I hate myself inside and out. I am a shame powered machine. My memory only remembers the bad things.. Ive blamed everything on me. Ive pushed all my friends away because there's no reason for them to be friends with me. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

I can relate to everything you said. My mistakes are like a broken record in my head and the shame that goes with all my mistakes. I want to go away quietly...

 

[sonax22]

It's quite complicated because I can't seem to have a clear sense of who I am or a stable feeling of love or hate toward myself..it sure can be quite confusing and difficult to understand..
I can hate myself to the extreme and then moments later I start defending myself and blaming the pain I'm in..it's scary because who am I hating and wanna kill or loving and wanna protect ? and who is me ? ..man I feel so confused and lost..

 

[Flume]

I hate how we are born, the codes we get in our head from day one. I fucking hate the core of all human beliefs and needs. So I don't know... probably all three.

 

[seekingoblivion]

I feel exactly how you feel, mate. It's like they both reinforce each other (self hatred and pain). I'm sorry you're suffering too.

 

[RealLostSoul]

I hate everything. Mostly how the world works in general. It's predestined for doom and misery for some people (of which I am part of). But ya, the pain is indescribable.