Do you hate that you’re suicidal?

[WitheringAway]

I hate being suicidal. While I respect everyone's right to end their lives, I don't glorify suicide. Hate battling the suicidal thoughts, wish I had a better job but then Again, I feel like no matter where I am in life, it's always gonna be there. I wish I knew happiness.. I wish I knew what it's like to enjoy life. I don't know and I don't think I will ever know. A huge part of what messed me up was the feeling of neglect. Wish I had the awareness to build my future while I was in school, wish I had the guidance, the inspiration, the encouragement.. I envy kids who have parents who take good care of their future. I had no one. Nobody cared about me. I was the youngest child in a family of 15. I have a good job by most people's standards but it's not my ambition. My dream was broken long time ago. I'm dead inside. I go to work like a robot. I'm detached from my social surrounding. I do my job and go home and repeat the next day. Nothing of significance in my life. The suicidal thoughts are taking over. I lost my appetite long time ago. I look pale and skeletal. Hate it. Hate life. Hate myself. Wish I could get better. I don't wanna die. But it's all I think about.

 

[foxdie]

I relate to this a lot except I'm one step further and have completely withdrawn from the world and have given up. I really do hate myself.

I don't want to kill myself but I have no will to live and I don't think I ever will. So I do want to die, but I kind of resent that it has to be suicide and the way I'll have to do it. But I don't think I'll ever be able to live "normally" so it seems the most humane path for myself.

I think everyone should have the right to choose but I do naively wish in my heart that no one would ever be pushed to such a decision.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Youngest in a family of 15... I can't imagine.

I do hate being suicidal. I feel like such a weak and pathetic "person". I believe suicide is a very brave thing to do, and I get a sick sense of jealousy when people ctb or are able to make an attempt (likely due to my circumstances). That being said, I agree with you that suicide should not be glorified. It's tragic, it's horrible that people feel pushed to such limits.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Same.

 

[wanttodie]

same

I do hate being suicidal. . I believe suicide is a very brave thing to do

 

[Puffinz]

Yes. I spent a whole year ruining my own life because I wanted to kill myself and nothing mattered to me. Now that I've decided to try giving life another chance I left a huge mess for myself to clean up.

 

[NeverSatisfied]

I do. I know I could be doing so much more to be successful if I weren't suicidal and wallowing in my shit so much all the time. I wish I felt 100% certain one way or the other so I could get my life on track or just end things already.

 

[slipintothetragedy]

Yep. I look around and all I see are happy people, completely content with their lives and I wish I was them so bad. It really does suck being this miserable all the time, but there's not much I can do about it, especially right now.

 

[DivineMedicus]

I do not hate that I feel suicidal; I find it a perfectly rational course of action to take in this fucked up world.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I don't hate it, per se. I simply accept it as part of who I am at this point. I hate that I can't openly share that fact with others. I hate that society has such a negative view regarding suicide. I hate that my life descended to this point. But as to the fact of my suicidality - no, I can't say that I "hate" that. In fact, it gives me comfort. It's my way out of a world that would rather see me suffer.

 

[Antigonish]

Yes, it's my bane. But my writing only flourishes when I'm in a certain mood. I've told myself a 1000 times that I'll finish a book before in 27, because I'll end it at 28. I've started 14 books. And none of them are close to completion. And I only have 3 yrs left. Wish I could live forever. Wish I didnt have to work so I could focus on my true passion. But unfortunately I'm a cog in the machine that is society. And im hopeless. I thrive inspirationally when I'm depressed, but I have to fight the deathly thoughts and silence. But lately my motivation, morale, and overall will has been weakening.

I hate the thought of meaningless life, so I seek death to give my life meaning.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I do not hate that I am suicidal - only that I cannot do it.

 

[WornOutLife]

I used to feel special because of being suicidal. I mean, I wonder about life, the universe, death, afterlife, consciousness, etc. I just can't be a normal person and work, sleep, have a family, work again.

However, what's the point of being special if my mind can't relax for a second and is thinking of CTB 24/7? This includes lots of depression and anxiety too.

So, I guess that yeah, I hate being suicidal. I wish I could be normal but I just can't.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

No more than I hate any other aspect of myself, though I hate most aspects of myself a lot.

Now that I think about it though, one of the biggest reasons I hate myself is that I don't do enough to make myself less suicidal. Seeing people going through real suffering just makes me feel worse about the fact that I'm over sensitive to both the minor things affecting me now and the lack of moving on from other things that really don't matter. Other times I even hate myself for hating myself for such a dumb reason as this because I get that with other people I wouldn't say they should hate themselves for that but here I am, hating myself for hating myself for hating myself. I don't need any reason like my will to CTB for that.

 

[Futile]

No tbh. Me being suicidal is a conscious decision

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Not really tbh, it kinda feels like a choice? Like I could accept life and deal with what I've got but I don't really want to. It's not like my mood is so bad life is unlivable, this just isn't the life I want.

 

[Lmd]

if i had put the effort of hating myself onto something else now I wouldn't be trapped and fucked up so yeah, I hate being suicidal because it feels like I could be something else but somehow I can't do it.

 

[Lost Magic]

Society as a whole and mental illness (that runs in the family) really screwed me up. I tried so many times to fit in but things just never worked out the way I had hoped. I am sad about being suicidal. Still, I am comforted by the fact that I have my SN, meto and benzos to make my passing more peaceful.

 

[sourpink]

I'm conflicted here.
on one hand, I don't hate my suicidality as it does quite honestly allow me to 'live in the moment' - if I consider allowing my existence to continue, that freedom is instantaneously stripped from my capacity. whilst being suicidal, I find myself being more honest, more assertive, more creative. and essentially, I don't have any fucks left to give, so I do whatever I feel brings me comfort.
on the other hand, when in past I've tried to recover to the point of discarding plans, I so often feel there's more effort required of me than I can provide.
and then the cycle begins again.
I guess I don't hate being suicidal, I simply hate that I've not yet found true success.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Yes.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I'm conflicted here.
on one hand, I don't hate my suicidality as it does quite honestly allow me to 'live in the moment' - if I consider allowing my existence to continue, that freedom is instantaneously stripped from my capacity. whilst being suicidal, I find myself being more honest, more assertive, more creative. and essentially, I don't have any fucks left to give, so I do whatever I feel brings me comfort.
on the other hand, when in past I've tried to recover to the point of discarding plans, I so often feel there's more effort required of me than I can provide.
and then the cycle begins again.
I guess I don't hate being suicidal, I simply hate that I've not yet found true success.

Woww I relate to every word.

Especially "feel there's more effort required of me than I can provide."

 

[sourpink]

Woww I relate to every word.

Especially "feel there's more effort required of me than I can provide."

sending love.
strange as it sounds I always feel saddened when someone can relate so closely to my feelings.

edit - I'm no pro lifer. I just feel I'm the only one deserving of such torture. I would have made an excellent flagellant back in the old days lol

 

[zzz]

I feel like it's the rational mindset if you consider negative utilitarian philosophies eg. antinatalism, EFILism and promortalism.
To me, life is just a shitty game of chasing/craving/boredom with occasional relief and torment (for the "normal" "content" person). I don't want to play, only my hedonism and primal fears prevent me from leaving ASAP.

Slightly unrelated but I often think I'm one of the smartest people, yet at the same time lazy, talentless, immature and inarticulate.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think for me, it would feel wrong if I wasn't suicidal, those thoughts are simply a part of me and have been for a large amount of my life. They can be tiring so in a way I do dislike that I am this way. I think the thing that I hate the most is that there is no peaceful way out and that I cannot easily exit this world. That is the problem for me.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I hate everything else, why not this? Lol, but seriously. My suicidality doesn't suit me at all. I would much rather have peace, even if it's an illusion. Which it is. Nevertheless, more of that!

The only thing I hate more than reality is the hate.