Do you feel stunted, or like you grew up too fast?

[Nolan96]

I feel both at the same time. In some ways I'm the typical "I'm having trouble adulting" millennial who struggles with basic things. A lot of people would probably say I never fully emerged from an adolescent angsty phase. I'm skeptical about that perspective because I think a lot of "maturity" is just hiding away your real feelings and self to get a job or whatever. I was held back a grade once despite good grades due to "difficulties integrating", which basically meant I was the little socially inept loser getting picked on. I was looking at a picture of myself today from when I was twelve, doing arts and crafts of some sort. It struck me that what I was working on looked like it would have been made by a child much younger than twelve. Not just the skill-level, but the subject. Very infantile animal images. Yet I know I was already self-harming and thinking about suicide when that photo was taken. Even at age six, I remember holding a knife to my chest and desperately trying to work myself up to doing it. And my intellectual interests were always precocious and somewhat morbid. It's all so complicated.

 

[hungry_ghost]

A lot of people would probably say I never fully emerged from an adolescent angsty phase.

I can identify with this.

I think, too, if we've experienced trauma in our youth, we tend to psychologically remain the same age as when that trauma occurred.

 

[maakies]

I grew up too fast. I had to make dinner for my family by 11, and was essentially unsupervised all the way to adulthood. Now I have immense fatigue in my 20s. No desire to do anything other than sit around. Seems like my brother has a similar thing. But it's not too bad.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Kind of the opposite. I feel like my growth was delayed. Like even at 28 my mind has not matured beyond that of a teenager's.

Then again whenever I see things like the tik toks or other things I don't understand my mind goes full on grumpy old-person so I guess I'm not sure what I really am.

 

[Nolan96]

Kind of the opposite. I feel like my growth was delayed. Like even at 28 my mind has not matured beyond that of a teenager's.

Then again whenever I see things like the tik toks or other things I don't understand my mind goes full on grumpy old-person so I guess I'm not sure what I really am.

I'm a bit like this too. I'm sure a lot of people are. The part of me that's "stunted" is specifically stunted in my own youth's era. I don't necessarily relate to or want to be a part of current teen culture. TikTok seems extremely unappealing to me.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I've always been told I act/look older than I was, looking back now I don't think it had anything to do with maturity but just that I was fairly intelligent and introverted.

In some ways I'm the typical "I'm having trouble adulting" millennial who struggles with basic things.

I'm in the same boat.

 

[come to dust]

I think I'm emotionally stunted because I was abused and ostracised as a teenager, and so my brain wasnt allowed to develop properly during those crucial formative years. I never got to experience teenage dating either which I think has held me back too.

 

[western_heart]

Yeah.

Seems to be a common experience for those who have complex trauma. They report being told things like "you're so mature for your age" when they were young. I am no exception to this

I don't remember the earlier trauma, so I don't really know why. Could also be autism spectrum in my case? But I have never diagnosed AFAIK.

 

[motel rooms]

I've always had to take care of myself, which means I'm pretty good at creating masks to hide behind. My childhood was hell & I'll never be "normal", but I managed to survive. There are so many things I don't remember well or at all. I read way too much. When I hit puberty, my father left me alone & even the older kids decided that I was tall & attractive & therefore totally awesome. I was pretty horrified when I realized I was only into other masc guys, but CSA made me hypersexual, so not taking risks in order to get some was never an option. Thankfully, teenage boys were silly animals who used to watch porn with their friends after playing basketball back then. It also helped that Cobain was so supportive of gay rights. Ngl, the fact that an older athletic kid wanted to bottom for me & introduced me to some college guys who respected my many limits did wonders for my fragile self-esteem.

I was very promiscuous & severely emotionally constipated/stunted for years, of course. I was incapable of truly letting anyone in, I couldn't cry, I just desperately tried to make myself feel like a "real man" by topping cocky masc guys, popped Xanax, took my anger out on a punching bag & worked. Then I joined SS, had a breakdown & married another emotional cripple. Now that I'm married I cry all the time. lol I really do, but that's a good thing.

 

[Nolan96]

I was pretty horrified when I realized I was only into other masc guys

I'd be curious to know why this was upsetting for you, if you're comfortable sharing.

Thankfully, teenage boys were silly animals who used to watch porn with their friends after playing basketball back then. It also helped that Cobain was so supportive of gay rights.

This is a fascinating insight into that era. Things have changed a lot. Straight guys know to be more conscious about not coming across as gay now. And there's nobody who can be compared to a bisexuality-flirting male icon like Cobain that straight guys authentically like.

I was incapable of truly letting anyone in, I couldn't cry, I just desperately tried to make myself feel like a "real man" by topping cocky masc guys, popped Xanax, took my anger out on a punching bag & worked. Then I joined SS, had a breakdown & married another emotional cripple. Now that I'm married I cry all the time. lol I really do, but that's a good thing.

It sounds like you're developing. I imagine it's rare for someone in their 30's or 40's to move beyond those coping mechanisms. When did you get married? I'd read somewhere that you found a guy but I didn't know you got married. I'm happy for you, it feels good to congratulate someone on SS for tying the knot in a context other than CTBing. (I'm sure you beat me to this joke a long time ago.)

 

[Death_of_a_Phynixx]

Yes, sometimes I do feel as if I grew up too fast, but due to all of my childhood traumatic experiences, I rarely wish that I could rewind time. You stated that your suicidal thoughts began as early as six years of age. My own personal thoughts of escaping this realm/world began at nine years of age, which is an inverted form of the number 6 and vice versa. As children, we are mostly attached to the present time. We usually do not have to worry about many things such as paying rent, paying bills on time, and etc. Adults kind of screw that "in the moment feel" up for us with one very simple question that they ask. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" It is at this moment when children begin to think ahead, and worry about the future can follow this moment. I personally think that some things were revealed to me a little to swiftly, but I do trust that all of this information was given unto me in my own divine timing, and with good reason. Some beings have been within this realm/world for decades to almost a century, and they have absolutely no clue of what is really going on around or even inside of them. As it pertains to feeling as if I were stunted, yes I do feel as if I was stunted emotionally, and sometimes my reactions further prove this notion. When I am enraged, I sometimes react immaturely, as a child would throw a temper tantrum. After I calm down, I feel extremely guilty and embarrassed, as if I should know better than to act that way. I am getting better though, with controlling my rage thankfully. Yes, I do feel as if I reached adulthood too quickly, and the very fast movement of this realm's/world's time doesn't really help either. Nonetheless, I am daily tending to my very aged wounds from my childhood in the best ways that I can.

 

[motel rooms]

I'd be curious to know why this was upsetting for you, if you're comfortable sharing.

I thought that other masc guys would expect me to be versatile, which was & still is out of the question because of what was done to me. I knew I wanted to be in charge. I've never been rough, I'm not selfish, I derive pleasure from the other guy's pleasure, I'm not obsessed with penetration, but I do need my sex partners to submit to me psychologically, especially if they're very physically strong. It doesn't take a genius to figure out why.

It sounds like you're developing. I imagine it's rare for someone in their 30's or 40's to move beyond those coping mechanisms. When did you get married?

Four months ago.
This is how it all started:
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-hope-this-is-a-goodbye.73128/page-2#post-1326456

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...-is-so-im-titling-it-this.78527/#post-1407518

This is my/our latest breakthrough:
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/an-update-i-guess.84348/

 

[ColorlessTrees]

Trauma does odd things to the brain. I would say both for myself as well. A lot of days I still feel like the trapped eight year old sobbing in the counselor's office… I've since detached from those memories, but I think it's affected me in ways I don't even realize. There are other pivotal events I feel similarly about. I'm horribly noncommittal and immature. I can't 'adult', or even get out of bed some days. I'm dependent. I'd rather CTB than face responsibility or attempt recovery properly. Immature in this sense.

At the same time, people are astonished to realize my relatively young age online, and are patronizingly impressed by my vocabulary and 'eloquence' in real life. Even when I was very young, I often ruminated on deep topics beyond childhood or adolescence, including the dark and imbalanced state of the world. I also never related to children my age/teenagers and disliked social media strongly, so I isolated myself (as young as 9). I preferred the company of adults, but they would not take me seriously. NSFW but I compulsively searched for erotic content from the age of about 8 as well. It became a coping mechanism, and everything went downhill from there. I wonder about the effects, because I still have this problem.

I don't know what happened with me, but I firmly believe trauma and its aftermath stunted my growth.

 

[Hangnailinajar]

Stunted. I'm 23 but act 12 .In the words of Diane Nguyen I regret everything!

 

[knockedlooseagain]

Yeah.

Seems to be a common experience for those who have complex trauma. They report being told things like "you're so mature for your age" when they were young. I am no exception to this

I don't remember the earlier trauma, so I don't really know why. Could also be autism spectrum in my case? But I have never diagnosed AFAIK.

All my life I've been told I act so old for my age too. I don't think people realize it's all the trauma. I took it as a compliment back then and now I just feel sad for my younger self

 

[Sherri]

Oh yes, I remember being a carefree girl just the other day, and now I'm almost 28. Time flies so fast, we barely notice it.

 

[Gsvko]

Grew up fast first (was told, never felt like it) and then regressed back to 5 (feeling it).