Do You Feel Like You Are Inching Closer To CTB...Or Maybe Farther Away?

[fred farkle]

Since my soul mate died two years ago I have been relentlessly thinking 'bout ctb. I detest my life,I dont want this shitty life. A part of me wants
ctb,but I guess my fear,my inertia and my SI are holding firm. I have only reluctantly started to prepare for ctb. I am trying to move myself toward ctb,but I wonder if I am really moving away.
How about you? Are you paving the road to ctb or making peace with the shitty aspects of life?
I just cant see sticking around--OR drinking that smelly SN! Fuck!

 

[Storm225]

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss! That has got to be incredibly rough.

I feel like I'm inching closer and closer, it started as SH and then turned to SH forums and websites and now this (doing more research on ctb). At the same time though I'm still going to group therapy, peer support, 2 psychs etc so I feel 2 people inside fighting. 1 is saying just ctb and the other is saying look at the pretty sky and your cat

That's my experience though.

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel I am always getting closer to ctb. I simply cannot find peace in this life and I long for death. However I am scared of many methods so I feel trapped in this world.

 

[Desi]

Yeah very much the same.

 

[TicoDK]

Just one step closer tho the end, 'cuz I'm about to break...

 

[Mizuri]

I guess I'm getting closer to killing myself... again.

I found a friend few month ago. We knew each other before, just didn't talk closely. She literally saved me from CTB back then. These were the happiest few weeks in my life with her. I almost thought these thoughts have left me. But my problems didn't go away.

And so here I am with one more person in my life whose heart would break if I killed myself. And I also now don't have scales anymore to measure SN because I gave them to her as a proof that I'm not going to kill myself. The worst thing is now lying to here that "everything is normal". Just seeing here happy near me is already enough to make me wanna cry.

 

[ShutUpEli]

Man I'd be right there if I had a fast reliable method. Really that's the main issue stopping me; any method that I can obtain has too great a chance of survival and wouldn't be quick or painless. You know how people say "if there were a button that suddenly made you disappear..." well guns are more or less that button. But unfortunately the quickest seat on the bus is also the most difficult to get. You either know someone who owns one and you could use, or go through the very difficult process of getting one (especially if you're mentally ill)

 

[NeverSatisfied]

I feel like I get closer and closer each year. Before I was 18 I said I would go until 30, at 20 I said between 25-27, and now at 22 I'm thinking 24 is looking real nice. I'm trying as hard as I can to hold on but each year it gets more and more unbearable and it feels pointless going on when life just keeps getting worse and worse and without a feeling I have a real purpose or need to be alive anyways. Being alive to just say "i'm alive and i'm doing it" is stupid to me. In a few months I should have what I need for my method and I'm excited and curious to see how i'll feel then.

 

[BrokenArrow]

Closer. I have a padlocked bag with SN, Xanax, propranolol, Domperidone, Antacid etc.

I had a breakdown in front of my dad today and told him I wanted to die. He took both my hands in his and told me he loved me and wanted me to stay. I bawled my eyes out and feel slightly better.

I might even give month another 3-6 month trial. But about 80% of me just wants to CTB.

 

[du2497]

Closer lately. Losing more and more optimism that I'll ever be successful in any capacity or be able to travel. (I've been wanting to go to Japan for two decades now.)

 

[Desi]

I have been spiralling down for days, feel a little better.
treating myself with running and cold showers.
still a lot of suicidal ideations, though, still can't find a way out of this, still working on the plan and it's only dire options, unfortunately.