M
MountainMan99
Member
- Jul 5, 2024
- 18
Does anyone else feel like suicide is something pre-determined? As if you were always meant to die this way? As if this is your fate?
I am saying this, because i keep trying to recover, but i always end up falling back into this suicidal state, as if something is pushing me to end it all lol.
It's as if this has always been destined to happen, because i suffered bullying when i was a child and that left me with lots of traumas and social anxiety, which made me have some suicidal thoughts as a child, but i ended up healing from that i believe...
But recently i started to get serious about suicide... Because of an incident that happened to me around 2/3 years ago, that messed my health condition, and there seems to be no way to get back to how i used to be.
Life was far from perfect before this incident, but it had lots of good moments, i enjoyed so many things, like working out, going out with friends & family, etc...
But now this issue constantly affects my quality of life, and i've tried to recover multiple times, or have a mindset of recovery at least, but when i do that, for 1 or 2 days i feel slightly better and hopeful, but then i eventually feel horrible again and fall back into this spiral...
It's as if i can't get out of it no matter how much i want, sometimes i feel like i should keep trying to live because there is a possiblity of things going back to the way they were.. (so stupid of me, letting a little possibility keep me suffering)
But yea some moments i feel this sensation of hope where i think that if i CTB i will lose that little possibility, and i know that thinking this way is a mistake, because i always end up falling back to my suicidal state again and it makes me tired...
It's as if i don't truly wanna die, but i feel like i have to because otherwise i will probably suffer for more 50 years maybe, and i can't handle that.
Does anyone feel the same?
Is this my SI trying to keep me away from suicide? Why do i keep having hope when i know i have gone through so much freaking pain?
Ugh, i hate this overthinking, sometimes i just wish i could have a glock and bust it so there would be no regret..
I am saying this, because i keep trying to recover, but i always end up falling back into this suicidal state, as if something is pushing me to end it all lol.
It's as if this has always been destined to happen, because i suffered bullying when i was a child and that left me with lots of traumas and social anxiety, which made me have some suicidal thoughts as a child, but i ended up healing from that i believe...
But recently i started to get serious about suicide... Because of an incident that happened to me around 2/3 years ago, that messed my health condition, and there seems to be no way to get back to how i used to be.
Life was far from perfect before this incident, but it had lots of good moments, i enjoyed so many things, like working out, going out with friends & family, etc...
But now this issue constantly affects my quality of life, and i've tried to recover multiple times, or have a mindset of recovery at least, but when i do that, for 1 or 2 days i feel slightly better and hopeful, but then i eventually feel horrible again and fall back into this spiral...
It's as if i can't get out of it no matter how much i want, sometimes i feel like i should keep trying to live because there is a possiblity of things going back to the way they were.. (so stupid of me, letting a little possibility keep me suffering)
But yea some moments i feel this sensation of hope where i think that if i CTB i will lose that little possibility, and i know that thinking this way is a mistake, because i always end up falling back to my suicidal state again and it makes me tired...
It's as if i don't truly wanna die, but i feel like i have to because otherwise i will probably suffer for more 50 years maybe, and i can't handle that.
Does anyone feel the same?
Is this my SI trying to keep me away from suicide? Why do i keep having hope when i know i have gone through so much freaking pain?
Ugh, i hate this overthinking, sometimes i just wish i could have a glock and bust it so there would be no regret..