Do you feel like suicide has always been our Destiny?

[MountainMan99]

Does anyone else feel like suicide is something pre-determined? As if you were always meant to die this way? As if this is your fate?

I am saying this, because i keep trying to recover, but i always end up falling back into this suicidal state, as if something is pushing me to end it all lol.

It's as if this has always been destined to happen, because i suffered bullying when i was a child and that left me with lots of traumas and social anxiety, which made me have some suicidal thoughts as a child, but i ended up healing from that i believe...

But recently i started to get serious about suicide... Because of an incident that happened to me around 2/3 years ago, that messed my health condition, and there seems to be no way to get back to how i used to be.

Life was far from perfect before this incident, but it had lots of good moments, i enjoyed so many things, like working out, going out with friends & family, etc...

But now this issue constantly affects my quality of life, and i've tried to recover multiple times, or have a mindset of recovery at least, but when i do that, for 1 or 2 days i feel slightly better and hopeful, but then i eventually feel horrible again and fall back into this spiral...

It's as if i can't get out of it no matter how much i want, sometimes i feel like i should keep trying to live because there is a possiblity of things going back to the way they were.. (so stupid of me, letting a little possibility keep me suffering)

But yea some moments i feel this sensation of hope where i think that if i CTB i will lose that little possibility, and i know that thinking this way is a mistake, because i always end up falling back to my suicidal state again and it makes me tired...

It's as if i don't truly wanna die, but i feel like i have to because otherwise i will probably suffer for more 50 years maybe, and i can't handle that.

Does anyone feel the same?

Is this my SI trying to keep me away from suicide? Why do i keep having hope when i know i have gone through so much freaking pain?

Ugh, i hate this overthinking, sometimes i just wish i could have a glock and bust it so there would be no regret..

 

[strngpass]

I feel like it was always destined and sort of biologically / environmentally predetermined. Same as you I have had s ideation since early and was soothing in times of severe distress but always present in back of my mind even when things were pretty ok in my life. Negative and stressful childhood events can get suicidal ideation ingrained in your survival instinct as a coping mechanism and after a while it can become ocd, at least in my case. So if you think of it since childhood you tend to believe is something destined as it's always been there with you.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me personally wanting to die is all I know, I'm not meant for the burden of existing as a human, I'm only meant to permanently cease existing, I find existing deeply undesirable and would never wish for something as cruel and torturous as having the ability to exist. It's so painful how I cannot just have the option to painlessly cease existing in peace otherwise I'd be free from all the suffering a while ago but really I never should have suffered in this existence at all.

 

[MountainMan99]

For me personally wanting to die is all I know, I'm not meant for the burden of existing as a human, I'm only meant to permanently cease existing, I find existing deeply undesirable and would never wish for something as cruel and torturous as having the ability to exist. It's so painful how I cannot just have the option to painlessly cease existing in peace otherwise I'd be free from all the suffering a while ago but really I never should have suffered in this existence at all.

Hey, i have seen a few comments from you in SS, and seems that you truly do not wish in any way or form to exist or be alive..

In my case, i actually wish i could live happily, because i admit i have also had good moments in life, but i have been going through this pain for too long, which is something i can't endure anymore

Have you had good moments in your life? Or you always felt this way? That you didn't want to ever exist?

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

The way I view it, death is everybody's destiny. No one can escape it yet. Right now we are living unnaturally long lives and have the luxury of extending our lives somewhat. That is why I think everyone clings to life so much and thinks everyone wants to exist on this shitty planet. But the truth is, most people commit "slow suicide" by the lifestyle they're leading. And somehow that's acceptable. Why shouldn't someone be allowed to do it quickly? Everybody dies, it doesn't matter how, when or for what reason.

 

[Hahem]

Absolutely. I try and try and try but I always get fucked over, always behind. I've been so unlucky, out of many easy lives out there, providence gave me one of the hardest ones, fuck, it really feels like I was just meant to die, meant to be a NPC, just another one that will live a miserable live. Fuck

 

[TheBroken]

I started at age 12 so yes.

 

[Lewliette]

I totally think so, I have had S ideation since I was at school. Now I'm a young adult and I have convinced myself it's the path I have always meant to cross. In the university I am into, nobody likes me, I have had trouble with everybody, so it's the better decision I can make. The same in school, the same in university, I don't want to be longer suffering

 

[Saturn_]

I feel like I was predisposed to end up killing myself. There are just too many problems and too many moving parts involved in me being remotely functional, and it just isn't worth fixing. A lifetime's worth of trauma and failure have forever molded me into a self-destructive mess of a person that is always on the edge of control. Relationships aren't sustainable, I may never be able to go to college, I may never be able to stand on my own two feet and be independent because I was raised in a household that beckoned for constant dependency on my mother. There is pain and dysfunction everywhere I look, and there's no escaping. It will only continue to get worse, and I'm so fucking tired of having to suck it up and take the blame for everything. I am so tired of being told by society that if I am not actively improving, I am the problem. That's okay though, because now I have a permanent means of ending that problem, for me and everyone else.

 

[Bear1234]

Sadly yes, because as humans we can't help but hope. We want a good life. At least I do. I love living a happy life and once you've experienced happiness you want to experience it again. Its hard when life situations keep you stuck. I still hope until the end that things turn around for me and for you too. My thought I set a limit for myself. Ive been suffering for a year and if my health issues don't get better in another year. I'll have no choice but to end it. I must try everything I can tho before I go or close to everything I can. Theres no way you can try everything.

 

[VeryShy]

Personally I don't believe in the concept of destiny.

 

[kyhoti]

For decades, I've been of a mind that I can start over and set things right. No matter what, no matter how I try, I always fuck life up somehow. Now, it's too late. I'm pretty much done, no do-overs. I can only see one path now. Destiny? Preordination? I don't know. I am where I am, and it is what it is.

 

[divinemistress36]

The way I view it, death is everybody's destiny. No one can escape it yet. Right now we are living unnaturally long lives and have the luxury of extending our lives somewhat. That is why I think everyone clings to life so much and thinks everyone wants to exist on this shitty planet. But the truth is, most people commit "slow suicide" by the lifestyle they're leading. And somehow that's acceptable. Why shouldn't someone be allowed to do it quickly? Everybody dies, it doesn't matter how, when or for what reason.

I needed to hear this
Yes, my soul has always felt that ctb is part of my destiny but lack of peaceful accessible methods and damn doctors have delayed it

 

[BecomingTired]

It wasn't some grand destiny, atleast how I see it. It's just chance. Everything that happened within my life was just a fucked up gamble where I was unable to luck out. Every event that ever happened in general is just an endless array of possibilities that lead to endless paths to other events. Nothing about anything that happened is to do with destiny, the only real "destiny" we all have is that someday we will all die, just depends on when.

 

[Soupster]

I personally, for myself, refuse to accept destiny or fate as being the arbiter of my existence. To do so acknowledges some higher power shit me out to suffer and die for no particular reason, other than "its meant to be."

Choices, every step of the way, have led me to where I am today. My choices, other's choices, my decisions to react certain ways to things that have happened.

My choice to go to bed each night and wake up each morning in a new day and get out of bed and suffer more are things I choose. The only thing I don't get to choose is when a 'natural' death could take me. That's why, when I'm ready and all the conditions I've set have been satisfied I am certain I will choose to ctb and end this existence and see what comes next. Be it nothing, or an afterlife, or simply the continuation of my energy and matter feeding the cosmos.

That said, I throw no judgement on those who do believe in fate and destiny. If it helps you process your experience in life, embrace it. You might be right.

 

[Jeav]

There is a destiny mapped out but we have events that can change the trajectory of this path since we have free will, I think we can avoid this destiny just as we can go straight ahead, I am in the same situation I wonder if my suicide was planned before or not

 

[rozeske]

Yes, i have come to believe that it is a destiny I couldn't escape no matter I tried. I believe in everything being planned out, what makes my suicide any different.

 

[Epikur]

I would´t call it destiny as such, but it´s been clear to me since teenage times. Suicide as a cause of death will most likely be ticked on the death certificate, unless I will not be run over by a bus or drop dead from a heart attack. Honestly, the thought that I will determine my demise by myself is calming. Keep control. Dying of some severe disease is the opposite of control. So I see CTB as a precautionary measure and ever-present option.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Does anyone else feel like suicide is something pre-determined? As if you were always meant to die this way? As if this is your fate?

I am saying this, because i keep trying to recover, but i always end up falling back into this suicidal state, as if something is pushing me to end it all lol.

Our situations are different and recovering from health conditions is often very tough but I feel very similar.

For most of my life, I neither thought about suicide nor did I have any plans until I reached a turning point and everything went downhill. Throughout the years I tried to recover and to find a new base to build on and recover from failure but the more I tried the more misfortune I had - literally!

I gave up fighting against destiny. I don't think there's destiny or someone who controls my life but luck in life left me and the more I fought the more I failed again. Ultimately I gave up - not really happy with my life and everything is on a low level but since I gave up fighting things around me became very quiet and I'm almost not suicidal anymore.

Idk whether it was pre-destined that my life would fail or not but I'm sure if I started to get out of my hole probably "destiny" is just waiting to destroy new hope and success.

 

[MountainMan99]

I personally, for myself, refuse to accept destiny or fate as being the arbiter of my existence. To do so acknowledges some higher power shit me out to suffer and die for no particular reason, other than "its meant to be."

Choices, every step of the way, have led me to where I am today. My choices, other's choices, my decisions to react certain ways to things that have happened.

My choice to go to bed each night and wake up each morning in a new day and get out of bed and suffer more are things I choose. The only thing I don't get to choose is when a 'natural' death could take me. That's why, when I'm ready and all the conditions I've set have been satisfied I am certain I will choose to ctb and end this existence and see what comes next. Be it nothing, or an afterlife, or simply the continuation of my energy and matter feeding the cosmos.

That said, I throw no judgement on those who do believe in fate and destiny. If it helps you process your experience in life, embrace it. You might be right.

Yes i do agree with you to a certain extent, i just said in my case it was destiny, because deep inside i wanted to recover and enjoy life like i used to, but i have tried to get out of this suicidal state so many freaking times, and i always end up fallign right back into it, no matter how hard i try, it's as if i have no choice but CTB due to my issues, but that's just how i feel.

 

[Soupster]

Yes i do agree with you to a certain extent, i just said in my case it was destiny, because deep inside i wanted to recover and enjoy life like i used to, but i have tried to get out of this suicidal state so many freaking times, and i always end up fallign right back into it, no matter how hard i try, it's as if i have no choice but CTB due to my issues, but that's just how i feel.

I can relate completely. I'm sorry you feel trapped, and like you have no choice. No one should have to lose hope.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

That's something I've asked myself for long too. Was I meant to be this way end up like this? Me personally I somewhat believe in fate, a slightly altered version. If one ends up in any situation that's how they had to end up in my opinion. One cannot be "aware" of their destiny and change it because to me that's also part of what they had to do. Saying "I'll change my destiny" can be part of one's destiny.

We see destiny as something that cannot be changed and something about us that cannot be changed is the way we were born, genetics and stuff so the closest match to me is "predispositions".

I think that the way we're built psychologically and mentally could be a factor in ending up wherever we are now. If people would have taken a different approach to things things in the future would've been consequently different but we can't go back and change our perspective on things before they happened nor have 2 approaches at the same time. We only have the approach we naturally have inside: our feelings.

So ultimately, can things could've been prevented from one becoming suicidal? I think yeah, materially yeah. There is a chance that having taken things differently in past could've led you elsewhere at this time but we can't go past in time so that's how things were simply meant to be.

Fate or not I don't think there's much to overthink or regret, what's done is done and we can only take decisions in the present time and sepculate on the future time. Tho with my overview I think I can call this "fate" so my answer is:

Yeah I think we were destined because of the actions we took with or without knowing. It's not necessarily a bad thing, it's simply how existence and timeline work.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Personally I don't believe in the concept of destiny.

I feel you can be predestined while still having control of your destiny. Then again, paradoxically I also see destiny as having already being written... and only tomorrow can truly know what will come of tomorrow. I think the strongest belief would be in your decisions and follow-through rate, which is to say making the best of your destiny I suppose. I think it lies in the power of "trying" actively and consistently; and whether or not there's fruition or you are repeatedly knocked down and getting up is just the result, not the destiny.