KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,650
Vaguely suicide related but I feel like this discussion belongs more in off topic. I'm particularly interested in hearing from other people who are a bit older and have lots of life experience with adulting at this point. I know someone will probably say, hey, you're not old, you're *only* 25 but I feel like I'm already way past my youth due to my own life experiences and years spent grinding in the workforce.
I think there's two main things that really disappointed me about hitting adulthood proper. One is the culture aspect of this life stage/expectations created by the world around you, and the other is the barriers imposed due to time, aging, and the inevitable decline of health if one is genetically predisposed to it like I am, or you've experienced some sort of accident or spontaneous illness that has taken it's toll in due course.
Onto the cultural slant of things, I would say I really despise how the second you hit adulthood, your personality and priorities are slowly meant to shift towards your career and employment over anything else. I was raised in a fairly workaholic culture where everything you did had to be for a greater purpose of seeking employment in the future, as a child I would see parents select activities for their kids based on what will make them "competitive" and productive rather than considering if their son or daughter even derives any joy from that hobby. I also knew many people (and still do some like this) who think that anyone who enjoys partying or doing leisurely things is a loser and your life should be spent focusing on work above all else. I have a friend that regularly shames me for wanting to drink and party and sees it as immature behaviour.
When I was still in my teenage years, about 18 or 19 it was seen as okay for me to express myself how I wanted with fashion or to have certain hobbies like watching anime or playing games, dressing up, writing fanfictions, and things of that nature, but now that I'm in my mid 20s I face a lot of judgement for my interests and was clearly expected to grow out of this and only have hobbies like exercise classes and going to the gym. I follow some people who are fashion designers for "cutesy" Japanese fashion brands and they regularly get harassed and called hags for enjoying cute styles as they approach 30 and told by westerners that even having this fashion style is gross and they need to grow the fuck up and be more mature, whatever that means. I wrote about this here before, but it's as if once you hit a certain age your entire identity is expected to become your career, being a husband/wife, and eventually a parent, with no room for much of anything else.
While I think there is some level of professionalism and decorum one needs to follow in a workplace environment, I don't think an individual's interests or sense of authenticity should be sacrificed to become a corporate drone. Seeing a person working at the till with a Pikachu pin or dyed hair or a tattoo isn't going to ruin your customer service, but it seems like adult life is one huge elaborate game of made up social norms and expectations that no one really likes, but there's no collective feeling that it's worth fussing or fighting over.
Often times as a kid I was told how life wasn't fair, and if you think it's bad now, just wait till adulthood. Quite a self fulfilling prophecy. In childhood we have a well defined sense of structure and progress with school, are socialized with people in our own age group in huge numbers, and generally have a sense of community. In adulthood, after university, this all vanishes and ultimately created a large sense of disappointment for me as an autistic person, because I really thrive in the academic environment, and not really in a workplace where the social dynamics are much more rigid and there is no longer any sense of curiosity and meeting new people all the time. I enjoy being productive, and need it to some degree to stay sane, so I think the biggest issue with employment as an adult is the faux social crap, artificial shift patterns that prevent anyone from having a life, and treating each other like customers rather than actual colleagues or friends.
If I had infinite finances and was at full health, I think I'd just study different subjects forever and go traveling, though many people find this a pretty ludicrous and childish line of thinking. I just genuinely enjoy learning and do not get the same type of enrichment from doing repetitive mundane tasks in an office with no variety because your designated HR department says you must do one thing only. Making work dull and unmeaningful gets treated like a necessary evil, when it's artificially constructed imo.
Which brings me to my next thought.. a lot of things we are expected to do as adults aren't requirements, they're just heavily encouraged socially to the point where you feel like a failure if you dont do them and follow the script. The most glaring example I can think of is marriage, children, and buying a home. This was something imposed on me at an early age, despite reluctance. I decided long ago that I wouldn't be having any biological children for the sake of their health, but honestly I am not capable of raising another human as much as I like and enjoy babysitting little ones. I've gotten many nasty comments from men online before saying I'll die alone and I'll regret being child-free when I'm old and feeble, but I don't see this as a personal failing but rather a societal one.
The idea of having a nuclear family rather than existing in a tribe is completely unappealing to me and absurdly stressful. One of the few moments in my life that I can pin point as being truly happy and amazing is when I spent time with a close friend's family, staying in their home in a less financially developed Asian country. The entire family and all the neighbors were very tight knit, and being in that environment did wonders for my mood. Returning back to the UK and being alone all of the time reversed that, I have some friendships but the vast majority are surface level even after years of trying to deepen them. My partner and his entire family think my way of thinking is crazy and abnormal, and that it's only a parents sole responsibility to look after their kids rather than the extended family or community being involved.
I think I fundamentally hate the notion that once you become an adult you can't have fun anymore and if you're a woman you need to sacrifice your life to marriage and children, because that's just how it is. It's disappointing that my worth as a person is determined by those metrics, particularly if I will have sex and undergo childbirth or not. Perhaps it is because I'm autistic, or on account of my traumatic childhood where I missed out on many formative experiences, but I truly hate the social norms of what adulthood is like. I want to enjoy life, explore new things, and have adventures, not feel burdened by financial obligations or childrearing with 0 time to do anything other than take care of the home and the children.
Now, here is the other thing I think that blows about adulthood, which is not under the control of free will and social influence like the former gripe I mentioned. It's inevitable that the health and vitality from youth will decline with age, and as time passes we lose a lot of things we took for granted as adolescents. My grandparents, once being extremely tough and almost immortal individuals in my young eyes, eventually became febrile as we all do, and the realisation that the strongest people you know will eventually start to wither away is something that's brought me to tears countless times. One of the hardest things about getting older for me was having so many people around me die, especially one I hit my 20s it was like one after another. Also seeing those younger than you who were once sweet, curious, children full of life, also becoming embittered adults and losing that youthful zest towards the world hits fairly hard.
Health is perhaps one of the worst things to lose, though. When you have health and energy, the world can be your oyster, but once any sort of chronic illness befalls you, whether that be physical or mental, and you've had to accept that this is how things likely will be forever save for some scientific miracle, it really shakes you to the core. I think many people expect ill health to only really start cropping up in the elderly years, not realising that many diseases especially autoimmune conditions and things that can cause chronic pain actually tend to start manifesting in your 20s and 30s.
It's hard when you realize that even if you became incapable of caring for yourself tomorrow due to poor health, no one will intervent when you're an adult unless you hit the point of no return and require around the clock nursing care. You can be barely scraping by, teetering on the edge of losing financial security and stability due to bad health impacting your ability to work consistently, and the most likely outcome is other people don't even believe you unless it's blinking obvious. It's hard not to feel like a burden as a disabled adult when the expectation is that you work 40 hours a week like everyone else with no help required. Of course, everyone will have their own opinions too, that you're just not going to the gym enough, you're not eating this or that, taking the right supplements, etc etc, and you'll have to deal with this constantly, because you're an adult now and people think you can control every single part of your life once youre legally mature. Even biology!
As usual I wrote way too much and more than I intended to, but I am curious if others feel the same way in regards to being sorely disappointed by adulthood and the expectations surrounding it. I would say becoming older and more embittered with the world definitely contributes to why I want to leave it in some way, my views make me feel pretty alien.
I think there's two main things that really disappointed me about hitting adulthood proper. One is the culture aspect of this life stage/expectations created by the world around you, and the other is the barriers imposed due to time, aging, and the inevitable decline of health if one is genetically predisposed to it like I am, or you've experienced some sort of accident or spontaneous illness that has taken it's toll in due course.
Onto the cultural slant of things, I would say I really despise how the second you hit adulthood, your personality and priorities are slowly meant to shift towards your career and employment over anything else. I was raised in a fairly workaholic culture where everything you did had to be for a greater purpose of seeking employment in the future, as a child I would see parents select activities for their kids based on what will make them "competitive" and productive rather than considering if their son or daughter even derives any joy from that hobby. I also knew many people (and still do some like this) who think that anyone who enjoys partying or doing leisurely things is a loser and your life should be spent focusing on work above all else. I have a friend that regularly shames me for wanting to drink and party and sees it as immature behaviour.
When I was still in my teenage years, about 18 or 19 it was seen as okay for me to express myself how I wanted with fashion or to have certain hobbies like watching anime or playing games, dressing up, writing fanfictions, and things of that nature, but now that I'm in my mid 20s I face a lot of judgement for my interests and was clearly expected to grow out of this and only have hobbies like exercise classes and going to the gym. I follow some people who are fashion designers for "cutesy" Japanese fashion brands and they regularly get harassed and called hags for enjoying cute styles as they approach 30 and told by westerners that even having this fashion style is gross and they need to grow the fuck up and be more mature, whatever that means. I wrote about this here before, but it's as if once you hit a certain age your entire identity is expected to become your career, being a husband/wife, and eventually a parent, with no room for much of anything else.
While I think there is some level of professionalism and decorum one needs to follow in a workplace environment, I don't think an individual's interests or sense of authenticity should be sacrificed to become a corporate drone. Seeing a person working at the till with a Pikachu pin or dyed hair or a tattoo isn't going to ruin your customer service, but it seems like adult life is one huge elaborate game of made up social norms and expectations that no one really likes, but there's no collective feeling that it's worth fussing or fighting over.
Often times as a kid I was told how life wasn't fair, and if you think it's bad now, just wait till adulthood. Quite a self fulfilling prophecy. In childhood we have a well defined sense of structure and progress with school, are socialized with people in our own age group in huge numbers, and generally have a sense of community. In adulthood, after university, this all vanishes and ultimately created a large sense of disappointment for me as an autistic person, because I really thrive in the academic environment, and not really in a workplace where the social dynamics are much more rigid and there is no longer any sense of curiosity and meeting new people all the time. I enjoy being productive, and need it to some degree to stay sane, so I think the biggest issue with employment as an adult is the faux social crap, artificial shift patterns that prevent anyone from having a life, and treating each other like customers rather than actual colleagues or friends.
If I had infinite finances and was at full health, I think I'd just study different subjects forever and go traveling, though many people find this a pretty ludicrous and childish line of thinking. I just genuinely enjoy learning and do not get the same type of enrichment from doing repetitive mundane tasks in an office with no variety because your designated HR department says you must do one thing only. Making work dull and unmeaningful gets treated like a necessary evil, when it's artificially constructed imo.
Which brings me to my next thought.. a lot of things we are expected to do as adults aren't requirements, they're just heavily encouraged socially to the point where you feel like a failure if you dont do them and follow the script. The most glaring example I can think of is marriage, children, and buying a home. This was something imposed on me at an early age, despite reluctance. I decided long ago that I wouldn't be having any biological children for the sake of their health, but honestly I am not capable of raising another human as much as I like and enjoy babysitting little ones. I've gotten many nasty comments from men online before saying I'll die alone and I'll regret being child-free when I'm old and feeble, but I don't see this as a personal failing but rather a societal one.
The idea of having a nuclear family rather than existing in a tribe is completely unappealing to me and absurdly stressful. One of the few moments in my life that I can pin point as being truly happy and amazing is when I spent time with a close friend's family, staying in their home in a less financially developed Asian country. The entire family and all the neighbors were very tight knit, and being in that environment did wonders for my mood. Returning back to the UK and being alone all of the time reversed that, I have some friendships but the vast majority are surface level even after years of trying to deepen them. My partner and his entire family think my way of thinking is crazy and abnormal, and that it's only a parents sole responsibility to look after their kids rather than the extended family or community being involved.
I think I fundamentally hate the notion that once you become an adult you can't have fun anymore and if you're a woman you need to sacrifice your life to marriage and children, because that's just how it is. It's disappointing that my worth as a person is determined by those metrics, particularly if I will have sex and undergo childbirth or not. Perhaps it is because I'm autistic, or on account of my traumatic childhood where I missed out on many formative experiences, but I truly hate the social norms of what adulthood is like. I want to enjoy life, explore new things, and have adventures, not feel burdened by financial obligations or childrearing with 0 time to do anything other than take care of the home and the children.
Now, here is the other thing I think that blows about adulthood, which is not under the control of free will and social influence like the former gripe I mentioned. It's inevitable that the health and vitality from youth will decline with age, and as time passes we lose a lot of things we took for granted as adolescents. My grandparents, once being extremely tough and almost immortal individuals in my young eyes, eventually became febrile as we all do, and the realisation that the strongest people you know will eventually start to wither away is something that's brought me to tears countless times. One of the hardest things about getting older for me was having so many people around me die, especially one I hit my 20s it was like one after another. Also seeing those younger than you who were once sweet, curious, children full of life, also becoming embittered adults and losing that youthful zest towards the world hits fairly hard.
Health is perhaps one of the worst things to lose, though. When you have health and energy, the world can be your oyster, but once any sort of chronic illness befalls you, whether that be physical or mental, and you've had to accept that this is how things likely will be forever save for some scientific miracle, it really shakes you to the core. I think many people expect ill health to only really start cropping up in the elderly years, not realising that many diseases especially autoimmune conditions and things that can cause chronic pain actually tend to start manifesting in your 20s and 30s.
It's hard when you realize that even if you became incapable of caring for yourself tomorrow due to poor health, no one will intervent when you're an adult unless you hit the point of no return and require around the clock nursing care. You can be barely scraping by, teetering on the edge of losing financial security and stability due to bad health impacting your ability to work consistently, and the most likely outcome is other people don't even believe you unless it's blinking obvious. It's hard not to feel like a burden as a disabled adult when the expectation is that you work 40 hours a week like everyone else with no help required. Of course, everyone will have their own opinions too, that you're just not going to the gym enough, you're not eating this or that, taking the right supplements, etc etc, and you'll have to deal with this constantly, because you're an adult now and people think you can control every single part of your life once youre legally mature. Even biology!
As usual I wrote way too much and more than I intended to, but I am curious if others feel the same way in regards to being sorely disappointed by adulthood and the expectations surrounding it. I would say becoming older and more embittered with the world definitely contributes to why I want to leave it in some way, my views make me feel pretty alien.
