Do you feel like a fraud, or that your issues aren't severe enough?

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Something that truly weighs heavily on me is the notion that I could be exaggerating my problems. Even in a community like this, I have seen multiple people using relative privation logic to deduce that the issues I and others have aren't so bad and could be much worse, which in turn makes me question my own judgement and perception of my circumstances.

I believe what drives this home for me is seeing people who objectively do have it worse than me in a practical sense, thriving and excelling at live in spite of their disadvantages. I have seen refugees, people who experienced most of their lives in care, individuals with more severe mobility impairments, etc enjoying life and succeeding regardless of their history, which makes me feel like a fraud for lacking this resilience.

Comparison is the thief of joy, I know, but the world only seems to validate the notion that only the most terrible tragedies known to man are worthy of compassion, or that tragedy is an impetus for growth and learning. However, my experience has been the complete opposite, fostered the belief that I am a faulty product, and made me question my own sanity. Especially when I have been called a narcissist in this forum, attention seeking, etc for describing how my illnesses and trauma have impacted my quality of life.

Most of the people in my "real life" use me as an example of the most traumatized, disadvantaged, loser of a person that they know, which is a punch in the gut in itself. I'm not exaggerating this, I have heard a couple of my friends telling their parents that I've had the most pitiful life they've ever seen. The vast majority of functional people that I come across in university and social settings simply cannot relate to my background or current circumstances, and I feel that I often make them uncomfortable simply by existing.

I think there are certain situations which people can visibly see and comprehend, which nets much more social support and understanding. For example, there are many charities for people with dementia who provide both financial and community support to individuals impacted by the disease. There is a massive push towards researching and treating neurodegenerative diseases, acknowledging the burden of them, and making people aware of the suffering they cause.

For many other illnesses, this doesn't exist, and people will just shame you and call you a faker if they can't visibly see your suffering. I have had digestive issues since I was 19, and it's gotten progressively worse in the 3 years since. It took seeing my abdomen swelling to the size of a fucking balloon (I'm quite thin) with agonising constipation for my partner to actually believe how bad my IBS became. I believe I have gastroparesis now, but good luck getting an MRI.

I don't think people would go in a hospital ward and do the same thing to a person hooked up to a dialysis machine or undergoing chemo, they wouldn't yell in their face and accuse them of malingering unless they were an utter lunatic, and they would be shamed for doing such a ruthless act, not celebrated.

However, when people cannot visibly see you suffering, they are very keen to invalidate you or simply not believe you at all. Invisible illnesses make you feel like a fraud, they make you feel dirty, because that's ultimately the lens society views you through, they paint you as someone who is lazy, leeching, and doesn't want to work or get better, simply because authority figures have not been able to find a cut and dry etiology of your issues.


I go through periods of thinking I am faking, until the constipation gets so severe that every move hurts me (I already eat at a calorie deficit because the pain is often too much and I have no appetite), until I can't speak or slur my words because my brain doesn't work, until my legs are on fire, or my legs and feet are turning purple from bad circulation, or my back is in agony and even opiates can't touch the pain, or my head is splitting, or waking up every night sometimes multiple times to pee because my bladder doesn't work properly, or I nearly pass out on public transit because I can't hold my eyes open anymore.


Yet, there is so much social conditioning that this is all fake and I'm not trying hard enough to improve your life. If you go on forums like studentdoctor, r/nurses or r/medicine a good number of those ghouls love to make fun of people with CFS, unexplained chronic pain, or neurological issues with no known cause because they believe we are faking and love attention, or we are the stereotype of a junkie wanting to shoot up black tar heroin in convenience store bathrooms. These people ultimately influence public opinion because they have lucrative positions of authority.

The way that people treat those who they deem mentally ill and of unsound mind is also just shocking to me. There is a push towards acceptance of very basic, temporary types of mental anguish, but not long term issues which may be daunting to acknowledge. A younger person with bouts of mild anxiety who struggles with presentations and speeches is much more accommodated for than some of the people I've met who have such severe panic they cannot even leave their homes, or people with ptsd like myself who have had years of trauma that have had a snowball effect on how life has played out.

Not to say that short term issues can't be dehabilitating, but there is a widespread belief that everyone's issues are like that, and it simply isn't true. People who don't respond to conventional 5 minute fixes are ultimately neglected and deemed resistant. I have pretty much given up on trying to get some relief from trauma, because it follows me in every aspect of life and the 'support' available is simply inadequate.

Despite this, I have tried to engage with the medical system even though it triggers me immensely. However, it has lead to nothing but more disappointment, not being taken seriously, medical staff mocking me or acting like I am unreasonable because I am scared of them due to my history of sexual abuse and need benzos in those contexts, and receiving no answers other than a shrug of the shoulders, and __ test looks fine. I am going to get my only advocate to push for an MRI, since my back issues have not been investigated, and after that I am giving up because they already don't give me pain management.

Not only do I feel like a faker because of my health problems, but because I cannot be happy being isolated with no support, and reliant on someone who has made it abundantly clear that his love is conditional and if I am not a romantic/sexual partner he will have nothing to do with me- we aren't a family. Having no family or safety net has ultimately crippled me just as much as my somatic pain has. It feels when everyone else has "gotten theirs" you feel like a complete and utter loser, who is left to wonder why didn't your family want or love you.

I think a huge reason that I can barely socialise or make connections (besides my autism or my other illnesses) is I don't have many positive stories and experiences to share. I have to go completely silent when people start talking about their parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc because I truly have nothing. How could you explain that your mother didn't want you as a baby, because ECT fried her brain, and your father was a reckless alcoholic who died before you really knew much about him?

Because my Foster family offered to foster me (worked in the social care and legal system) and I was signed over willingly as a teenager, I do not get any of the support that most people receive when they are officially age out of the system or go into a home. Some people do not even believe me about my experiences because I was never placed in a home, sezied by the government, and any investigations by the authorities fizzled out.

When I read very violent and graphic descriptions of abuse, I also feel like I am overreacting and don't deserve to feel as traumatized as I do, because only two of my abusers (the man in his older 20s who groomed me when I turned 17 and his friend who raped me with his fist) were purposefully malicious. The rest of the people who hurt me didn't purposefully orchestrate abuse, and the guy at my school who molested me has even tried to track me down and apologise even though he all claimed it never happened in the past.

It is very hard to feel like my circumstances are worthy of suicide, when we are constantly presented with motivational stories from war refugees, people in abject poverty who get some sort of big break, other autistic people who are more high functioning and have some sort of savant talent, those who have endured even more heinous abuse, and so on. It makes me feel like I am a failure not to be so resilient.

In Neuroscience, there is a behavioural test that is conducted to assess depressive phenotypes in animals, usually rodents, where an animal is thrown into a container of water and forced to swim. If an animal continues to fight the current and keep swimming for longer, it is deemed more resilient/less depressed. While I don't agree with this ethically, it has been something I've had to read about as part of my studies, and it makes me feel even more discouraged because if a rat can survive that torture, why can't I just be tougher and try to force myself to work or do things through the pain?

Do you ever feel like a faker too? Does it also contribute towards your desire for and or hesitance regarding ctb?

 

[CrossroadsCurious]

Your suffering is real, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, including yourself. My heart hurts for you. I hope one day you are able to get the help/support you need. Hugs!

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I relate to this a crazy amount, as you know.

Being persecuted for unrecognized issues sucks more than anything imaginable - you're looked down upon, treated like toxic waste, and spat out by so many both personally and professionally. Despite our problems, both with the illness and with others, we're still expected to lead active, diverse, productive and fulfilling lives. And if we can't manage that, we're failures and refuse to help ourselves.

Recently I told someone that at least if a person has cancer, they're rallied around. They can count on acknowledgement, support, a plan of attack, etc. But heaven forbid you have something nasty that doesn't show up on a test. Your life is fucking well over.

I have literally had to cut ties with everyone who isn't sympathetic or understanding, so I have all of five people in my entire life. As of last week, my sister has been acting up towards me, so I'm only recently down from six.

And while I know this is the loneliest thing ever, you're truly not alone. Many others will understand, validate, and appreciate you. <3

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I have this too sometimes - my self-esteem is so low I have imposter syndrome even in the CTB community

 

[NotSureToEndure]

I feel the same, often. I have been in a bit of a spiral for the past few years.

Started with some undiagnosed pain and has manifested into something much worse. I started down the road of trying to get a diagnosis but time and time again I'm told I'm healthy and I should be reassured by the fact there are no obvious medical reasons for my pain and issues.

I have left it.. Tried to get by countless times but always end up back in my dark place eventually.
I can pretend I'm okay to a point but I know I'm not, and I often second guess myself.

I feel exhausted on what to do. I keep planning to CTB but then find a reason not to. Then I go a few more weeks with ups and downs and the cycle repeats. It's so tiring pretending to be okay, and I know lots of us do it every day.

I question whether my pains and sensations are bad enough to CTB constantly. I guess I'm even suspicious of myself. Like is this all in my head?

I have pretty bad IBS now and trouble sleeping. It's affecting my work and I avoid social situations I used to love. I don't think I can talk myself out of this and feel like CTB is the way to go as I just cannot imagine ever feeling 'good' again. My old coping mechanisms don't help, which mostly involved getting intoxicated, and being t total doesn't seem much better.

We all suffer in our own ways and I don't think we should compare ourselves to others in that respect. Mental illness can easily be as dehabilitating or more than physical illness.. And the two can trigger each other as well.

I'm not sure where my problems started exactly, and although I do find hope occasionally, I feel I've tried too many 'solutions' to know that I either go on pretending and suffering, or I try to end my self early.

Neither is an easy decision that's for sure.

Good luck x

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Since I am relatively healthy a definitely feel like I have no good excuse for simply giving up on life… But I have no motivation to participate… Guess that's pretty fraudulent…

 

[ihopethisispainless]

Something that truly weighs heavily on me is the notion that I could be exaggerating my problems. Even in a community like this, I have seen multiple people using relative privation logic to deduce that the issues I and others have aren't so bad and could be much worse, which in turn makes me question my own judgement and perception of my circumstances.

I believe what drives this home for me is seeing people who objectively do have it worse than me in a practical sense, thriving and excelling at live in spite of their disadvantages. I have seen refugees, people who experienced most of their lives in care, individuals with more severe mobility impairments, etc enjoying life and succeeding regardless of their history, which makes me feel like a fraud for lacking this resilience.

Comparison is the thief of joy, I know, but the world only seems to validate the notion that only the most terrible tragedies known to man are worthy of compassion, or that tragedy is an impetus for growth and learning. However, my experience has been the complete opposite, fostered the belief that I am a faulty product, and made me question my own sanity. Especially when I have been called a narcissist in this forum, attention seeking, etc for describing how my illnesses and trauma have impacted my quality of life.

Most of the people in my "real life" use me as an example of the most traumatized, disadvantaged, loser of a person that they know, which is a punch in the gut in itself. I'm not exaggerating this, I have heard a couple of my friends telling their parents that I've had the most pitiful life they've ever seen. The vast majority of functional people that I come across in university and social settings simply cannot relate to my background or current circumstances, and I feel that I often make them uncomfortable simply by existing.

I think there are certain situations which people can visibly see and comprehend, which nets much more social support and understanding. For example, there are many charities for people with dementia who provide both financial and community support to individuals impacted by the disease. There is a massive push towards researching and treating neurodegenerative diseases, acknowledging the burden of them, and making people aware of the suffering they cause.

For many other illnesses, this doesn't exist, and people will just shame you and call you a faker if they can't visibly see your suffering. I have had digestive issues since I was 19, and it's gotten progressively worse in the 3 years since. It took seeing my abdomen swelling to the size of a fucking balloon (I'm quite thin) with agonising constipation for my partner to actually believe how bad my IBS became. I believe I have gastroparesis now, but good luck getting an MRI.

I don't think people would go in a hospital ward and do the same thing to a person hooked up to a dialysis machine or undergoing chemo, they wouldn't yell in their face and accuse them of malingering unless they were an utter lunatic, and they would be shamed for doing such a ruthless act, not celebrated.

However, when people cannot visibly see you suffering, they are very keen to invalidate you or simply not believe you at all. Invisible illnesses make you feel like a fraud, they make you feel dirty, because that's ultimately the lens society views you through, they paint you as someone who is lazy, leeching, and doesn't want to work or get better, simply because authority figures have not been able to find a cut and dry etiology of your issues.


I go through periods of thinking I am faking, until the constipation gets so severe that every move hurts me (I already eat at a calorie deficit because the pain is often too much and I have no appetite), until I can't speak or slur my words because my brain doesn't work, until my legs are on fire, or my legs and feet are turning purple from bad circulation, or my back is in agony and even opiates can't touch the pain, or my head is splitting, or waking up every night sometimes multiple times to pee because my bladder doesn't work properly, or I nearly pass out on public transit because I can't hold my eyes open anymore.


Yet, there is so much social conditioning that this is all fake and I'm not trying hard enough to improve your life. If you go on forums like studentdoctor, r/nurses or r/medicine a good number of those ghouls love to make fun of people with CFS, unexplained chronic pain, or neurological issues with no known cause because they believe we are faking and love attention, or we are the stereotype of a junkie wanting to shoot up black tar heroin in convenience store bathrooms. These people ultimately influence public opinion because they have lucrative positions of authority.

The way that people treat those who they deem mentally ill and of unsound mind is also just shocking to me. There is a push towards acceptance of very basic, temporary types of mental anguish, but not long term issues which may be daunting to acknowledge. A younger person with bouts of mild anxiety who struggles with presentations and speeches is much more accommodated for than some of the people I've met who have such severe panic they cannot even leave their homes, or people with ptsd like myself who have had years of trauma that have had a snowball effect on how life has played out.

Not to say that short term issues can't be dehabilitating, but there is a widespread belief that everyone's issues are like that, and it simply isn't true. People who don't respond to conventional 5 minute fixes are ultimately neglected and deemed resistant. I have pretty much given up on trying to get some relief from trauma, because it follows me in every aspect of life and the 'support' available is simply inadequate.

Despite this, I have tried to engage with the medical system even though it triggers me immensely. However, it has lead to nothing but more disappointment, not being taken seriously, medical staff mocking me or acting like I am unreasonable because I am scared of them due to my history of sexual abuse and need benzos in those contexts, and receiving no answers other than a shrug of the shoulders, and __ test looks fine. I am going to get my only advocate to push for an MRI, since my back issues have not been investigated, and after that I am giving up because they already don't give me pain management.

Not only do I feel like a faker because of my health problems, but because I cannot be happy being isolated with no support, and reliant on someone who has made it abundantly clear that his love is conditional and if I am not a romantic/sexual partner he will have nothing to do with me- we aren't a family. Having no family or safety net has ultimately crippled me just as much as my somatic pain has. It feels when everyone else has "gotten theirs" you feel like a complete and utter loser, who is left to wonder why didn't your family want or love you.

I think a huge reason that I can barely socialise or make connections (besides my autism or my other illnesses) is I don't have many positive stories and experiences to share. I have to go completely silent when people start talking about their parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc because I truly have nothing. How could you explain that your mother didn't want you as a baby, because ECT fried her brain, and your father was a reckless alcoholic who died before you really knew much about him?

Because my Foster family offered to foster me (worked in the social care and legal system) and I was signed over willingly as a teenager, I do not get any of the support that most people receive when they are officially age out of the system or go into a home. Some people do not even believe me about my experiences because I was never placed in a home, sezied by the government, and any investigations by the authorities fizzled out.

When I read very violent and graphic descriptions of abuse, I also feel like I am overreacting and don't deserve to feel as traumatized as I do, because only two of my abusers (the man in his older 20s who groomed me when I turned 17 and his friend who raped me with his fist) were purposefully malicious. The rest of the people who hurt me didn't purposefully orchestrate abuse, and the guy at my school who molested me has even tried to track me down and apologise even though he all claimed it never happened in the past.

It is very hard to feel like my circumstances are worthy of suicide, when we are constantly presented with motivational stories from war refugees, people in abject poverty who get some sort of big break, other autistic people who are more high functioning and have some sort of savant talent, those who have endured even more heinous abuse, and so on. It makes me feel like I am a failure not to be so resilient.

In Neuroscience, there is a behavioural test that is conducted to assess depressive phenotypes in animals, usually rodents, where an animal is thrown into a container of water and forced to swim. If an animal continues to fight the current and keep swimming for longer, it is deemed more resilient/less depressed. While I don't agree with this ethically, it has been something I've had to read about as part of my studies, and it makes me feel even more discouraged because if a rat can survive that torture, why can't I just be tougher and try to force myself to work or do things through the pain?

Do you ever feel like a faker too? Does it also contribute towards your desire for and or hesitance regarding ctb?

Yes I definitely feel like I'm faking but yknow I don't really care. People say insensitive things and it's just kinda to be expected isn't it? I'm sure many people would say my shit isn't valid and I don't think it really is but it doesn't matter. Im still going to ctb. Yknow?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Kinda since i have 2 options that I refuse to try, but it's my choice if I decide not to.

 

[Nolan96]

With certain issues, physiological or otherwise (and for myself I have some of both), the harder you work to deal with them the less visible they become and the less sympathy others will have for you. Kind of a tedious catch-22 that makes things harder.

 

[katagiri83]

The indignation of having to justify and/or explain one's "invisible" illness (be it mental or physical) repeatedly created another layer of trauma of its own.

 

[lonelyflyinginsect]

Hmm well yes, I'm a complete fraud, agreed 100%.


I have financial backup without really working much
AND
I have almost perfect physical health cause I have always maintained healthy eating habits and never smoked, rarely drink any liquor.

I was always a shy little pussy ass delicate person but I had never thought that it would come to this.

I'm the perfect definition of what people thinks when they say the word "Loser".


I have ordered SN, arriving in a week time. This could be perfect as my "family" is going on a trip so I would be alone for a few days. Only hoping that the SN is a good quality and that I would get enough courage, once in my loooong shitty life, that I finally be able to man-up and gulp that salty drink down.

 

[Well-Edited Chaos]

Something that truly weighs heavily on me is the notion that I could be exaggerating my problems. Even in a community like this, I have seen multiple people using relative privation logic to deduce that the issues I and others have aren't so bad and could be much worse, which in turn makes me question my own judgement and perception of my circumstances.

I feel that way too, but I think it's a mistake to treat all problems / pain / burdens as equivalent. I think it's a question of what is a problem / pain / burden FOR YOU.

For example, I can quite happily spend hours and days alone with minimal contact with other people. A lot of people would find that incredibly difficult to deal with.

Also, I never had kids. Never wanted them, and knew I would just fuck them up. For me having kids would have been hell on earth. I see them as bottomless buckets of need (cute AF, sometimes, but mostly just needy, whiny, relentless, and boundary-deficient). But a lot of people wanted kids, and can't have them. They're in as much pain as I would be if I had kids I didn't want, but it's a totally different pain.

What hurts you, hurts. You don't need to justify it, explain it, compare it. You just need to try to deal with it. And if it's more than you can handle, well, you wind up on the forums on SS.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I do. Even though I know what I have and am going through is very painful, physically, mentally, and emotionally, I still can't help but feel selfish. I'm constantly reminding myself how others have it worse and that mine are 1st world problems. I see so many people around the world suffering tremendously and still pushing through, still have hope. And here I am swimming in my pain and self pity and searching for the easiest, painless, most peaceful way to give up.

 

[hamvil]

Thanks for this beautifully written post and for sharing your life experience.

I do have similar thoughts from time to time. In both directions. I read about the stories of some people here in this forum and sometimes I think that those problems are just temporary and that life has so many opportunities for change for those people. Typically this happens with young people. At the end I refrain from commenting because I do not think they are here to be convinced otherwise. Maybe they want to vent, maybe they want to have an audience that does not judge them, who knows.

I have the same experience regarding mental sickness. I have a major depression. I did not share this with many people because I know that the general population does not know what depression is. The do no know about the long list of symptoms, the panic, the feeling that you cannot do anything, the low self-esteem, etc. Most people think that depressed people are just a bit sad and that they need to be cheered up. They have no idea of the severe side effect of antidepressant. Hell, most people think that anxiety and depression are the same thing.

What should I do? Spend 1 hour every time to educate a person knowing that most probably that person will keep his/her ideas because as you said they cannot see a physical/visible problem on you. The most polite would probably say that they understand but then they will act in the same way.