Do you ever wonder?

[gizmogone]

Do you ever wonder if ctb is necessary? I suffer from depression, nothing new there, but my depression caused me to do something that I'm pretty sure my spouse won't forgive me for. I was never unfaithful, so it's not that. But between the depression, and my act that was my copin mechanisms, is what's making me having to commit to the fantasies in my head. The only thing that was keeping me here was my husband, and I ruined that. But I wonder, if after I'm gone, if he would have forgiven me. But in my head he won't, and I know I can't risk seeing the hatred I know will fill his eyes. But I just wonder....even though I REALLY know.