Do you ever have a good day/afternoon/evening…

[chronicallybroken]

…and think "damn life can be good"?

I had a not great morning - had to talk about my personal problems and mental illness with my supervisor at university, then cried for an hour in counselling about how much I want to die and how hopeless life is and how things will never be manageable for me in the long term.
But immediately after that I met some friends from my university course and we went for a long walk in the countryside, I had a really nice time and found myself smiling, laughing, forgetting my problems. Occasionally I worried about what would happen once the day ended and I was left alone with my thoughts again.

I spoke about SI in counselling and how frustrating it is to not be able to do that final push. In a similar vein there's an element of disappointment when I have a nice day like today because it takes my brain further away from wanting to CTB, if that makes sense? Because I know I'll end up wanting to do so again and be frustrated that I didn't do it sooner. Idk. Only you guys understand

 

[timf]

It is understandable that one might be suspicious of a period of feeling good. In a way it can seem that life is taunting you. However, it also shows the possibility that things could be better. Sometimes one can be beaten down so that life seems to be something that just happens (the luck of the draw). This perspective can feed a sense of hopelessness.

If you find a window of improvement and can associate it with something you do, you may find a key to being able to exercise some control and build an environment where improvements are longer in duration and more frequent.

 

[chronicallybroken]

It is understandable that one might be suspicious of a period of feeling good. In a way it can seem that life is taunting you. However, it also shows the possibility that things could be better. Sometimes one can be beaten down so that life seems to be something that just happens (the luck of the draw). This perspective can feed a sense of hopelessness.

If you find a window of improvement and can associate it with something you do, you may find a key to being able to exercise some control and build an environment where improvements are longer in duration and more frequent.

Thank you for this thoughtful response. My issue is that the control always feels limited (level/duration/both) and my emotional instability takes over. Something else 'bad' will happen and I'll want to CTB again (tbh I still do but my cat won't leave me alone so I can't right now!!). It's just horrible to live like this, so unstable because I don't have a stable sense of self - this also impacts my friendships and relationships, which are unstable too.........................bah

 

[timf]

I don't know if it would be helpful or not, but there is a guy from the UK (I think named Pete something) that has some interesting videos on bipolar 2. He describes the difficulty coming up with a regime of supplements to give him "stability".

If you are struggling against things that have a mostly chemical origin, it might be useful to experiment with chemical remedies.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I haven't had a good day in a long while, but yes, I remember them. Thing is every one of them was with a person who died, so it's kind of difficult to recreate that, because finding humans we really truly connect with and feel at home / peace with, is difficult.

Irregardless, I'm really glad you had a good day and a reprieve for a time and I hope you have more moments in the sun

 

[27clubBRIAN]

Just like good moments , fragment memories of when days were good

 

[Leiden]

No, I do not ):

 

[Life.Journey.Unknown]

Yeah I get my good moments where I feel happy. For me it's nice to feel that once in a while and enjoy that moment.
If I see friends and they see me smile and laugh in their company I don't think they would realise how important those moments are to me.
I know those moments won't last. I know that by the end of the day that that brief happiness was just a one off and I'd be back to my days by myself, over thinking things and feeling empty.
That makes me sound so depressing! But I do genuinely enjoy those moments of happiness/distraction from my usual thoughts.

Anyway, that morning you had sounds very stressful! Very emotional and stressful. But seeing your friends sounds like a lovely time. Enjoy those moments. Really make the most of them.