I think, the older I've gotten, weirdly the more I've started to blame others for how I've turned out. I think it's supposed to be the other way around. I always get the impression that blaming others is seen as a sign of immaturity. As we grow up, we 'ought' to be taking responsibilty for our own lives and, working on the things that hold us back.
I do of course take some responsibility. I haven't made enough effort in some areas but truthfully, I'm at a point where I don't particularly intend to anymore! Why work at a future you don't intend to be here for?
Maybe it's because wanting to suicide and end life is a rejection of responsibility. I'm tired of trying to get over the shit that's happened in my life. I'm tired of carrying on. I'm tired of having to challenge myself to change into a stronger person. I'm tired of all the expectations placed on us. Ultimately- because we didn't agree to any of this shit! We just found ourselves in this situation and were just expected to cope with it. I know the excuse is- it's the same for everyone. But it's like- that's bad right? You saw that that was bad- so- why have children?
I think I'm at a point where I'm like- this person and this situation contributed to me being like this. I can't be arsed to try and change that now. I'm just going to carry on with this boring pity party privately while I carry on trying to high function in actual life.
I think that's the thing isn't it? Pitying yourself, even seeing yourself as vulnerable I guess strips us of power and self determination. So, in 'normal' life or recovery, we're maybe encoraged not to do it but when you have no more fight, or simply don't see the point in fighting anymore, it's maybe just easier to slip in to.
I do of course take some responsibility. I haven't made enough effort in some areas but truthfully, I'm at a point where I don't particularly intend to anymore! Why work at a future you don't intend to be here for?
Maybe it's because wanting to suicide and end life is a rejection of responsibility. I'm tired of trying to get over the shit that's happened in my life. I'm tired of carrying on. I'm tired of having to challenge myself to change into a stronger person. I'm tired of all the expectations placed on us. Ultimately- because we didn't agree to any of this shit! We just found ourselves in this situation and were just expected to cope with it. I know the excuse is- it's the same for everyone. But it's like- that's bad right? You saw that that was bad- so- why have children?
I think I'm at a point where I'm like- this person and this situation contributed to me being like this. I can't be arsed to try and change that now. I'm just going to carry on with this boring pity party privately while I carry on trying to high function in actual life.
I think that's the thing isn't it? Pitying yourself, even seeing yourself as vulnerable I guess strips us of power and self determination. So, in 'normal' life or recovery, we're maybe encoraged not to do it but when you have no more fight, or simply don't see the point in fighting anymore, it's maybe just easier to slip in to.
