Venting Do you believe in the possibility of goodness in the world?

[21stcenturycamus]

I have never posted here, however this past year got increasingly worse. I have been contemplating catching the bus for a long time, and had few failed attempts. I feel so much guilt for being this way, this is why I wanted to tell my story here.
I have a loving but a very unhappy family. Everyone in my life adores me, they care about me. I have friends that care about me. My family gave me everything I asked for; I studied abroad and got into the 'best' school in my field for masters in Paris. I don't have financial problems, I have people that are interested in me… there should not be anything wrong with my life, I SHOULD BE HAPPY AND CONTENT. But I never am. I have always been this way, I had depression and anxiety since I was 10. I developed anorexia when I was 12 and did recover as much as I could. Yet I cannot get out of this cycle, I despise myself now. I feel spoiled and insatiable, I am a brat that just pushes away everything she has and everything I thought I wanted. I live with such a guilt that someone else should have been given the opportunities that I was given, because I am not worth it. I do not see any point living. No one understands why I don't want to stay in this world.
The first time I tried to off myself was January this year but I did not really know what I was doing and quite drunk. I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend of 3 years what I did, and stayed with him for 1 month or so where he helped me get back on my feet. I graduated from my bachelors and came back home to my family before I left for my masters. Everything should have been okay but it was not, I got worse and I am completely exhausted with life. I broke up with my boyfriend and he told me that I was a 'social work' he was not willing to do anymore. I loved him so very much, just this word however ripped my heart open. I know I am a burden for everyone that cares about me. I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like a huge failure. I couldn't even succeed in living, I am done with surviving.
When people ask why I am so hopeless, I tell them that the world is horrible. Am I not correct? When was the world a good place? In our conjuncture, we are looking at a destroyed planet that we cannot really save because the main polluters don't give a fuck. States are corrupt, we all live the same fucking life and its quality is defined by where you are born. You can escape like I do but then you realize there is actually no escape. We are surrounded by lies and deception. Evil people always win. I see no way of making a positive change and I find those who see the good to be deceiving themselves. I just don't want to lie to myself to live a mediocre life where I'd try to find love and trust and be left again, or work my whole life to buy things that shouldn't really matter. If I go the idealistic route, I waste my life again getting crazier about how to fix this fucking place. I cannot see myself enjoying life on this destroyed planet in 20 years nor I want to bring any children into this mess. I don't understand why people don't see it the way I do, I accept that I am sensitive but all I see and feel is pain. I am suffering. And I feel tremendous guilt because I did achieve all I wanted. Losing my boyfriend threw me into a loop where I tried and tried partial hanging yet I couldn't succeed. Now my guilt is enormous, I feel guilty towards everyone that needs a better life. On the other hand, I don't think I would ever be happy, I have been like this forever and I just don't want to go on knowing that the world sucks and I have no energy left to go on longer. I don't know what is wrong with me. What more do I need to feel peaceful with myself and my surroundings?

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not believe there is any goodness in the world. Life is very unfair. Chance and luck determine everything. Some people are disadvantaged right from the start. Factors out of our control can ruin our lives. This life holds unlimited potential for suffering. There is no limit as to how bad it can get. Life is just unnecessary, we were all perfectly fine not existing before we were forced to live. People who are unable to see this are delusional.

I also have no more energy to carry on and I have been suicidal since I was young too. I have never wanted to be alive. This world really is a horrible place. I think to be able to feel at peace with yourself, that is a feeling that comes from within.

 

[brutalus]

hello!

a possibility that comes to mind is that life has been too easy for you. no challenge, so to speak. you dont understand or appreciate the difficulty of procuring what you have. you buy stuff to fill the void and so on.

about good or evil, we are not good or evil. we are just selfish.

about enjoying life. is life meant to be enjoyed? thats very hollywood imo.

i recommend alcohol, antidepressants and illegal drugs such as weed and coke to feel better.

 

[again_noidea]

the world is, in part, such a shit show because people who could do something to better it choose to do nothing. i don't know how privileged your situation really is, but if it is significant, you could dedicate a part of your available energy to relieve pain and foster peace. There are so many people who need help in all sorts of ways, and there are so many environmental challenges that need to be tackled. of course, if your main focus in on yourself all this things will not matter, because they might not improve your own suffering. Although i think helping others is rewarding on many levels. the other thing is, that people in your situation turned towards religion and spirituality, they began a journey and they dedicated their life to the old spiritual quest of enlightenment aka transcending this material world. It could also be, that your emotional economy is out of whack because some weird things happened to you in your early stages of development. in this case all your speculations about the overarching suffering in this world is a metaphor for your unconscious trauma. Well, there are way to relief these emotions, but it is very similar and coincides with the spiritual quest.

 

[Pluto]

Welcome! In a way it's sad to have to welcome here, but you get my drift.

Sorry to hear about how you've been struggling for so long. It sounds like you are deeply thoughtful with a starkly realistic view of our twisted society and the powerlessness of the individual.

What more do I need to feel peaceful with myself and my surroundings?

It is hopeful that you are seeking genuine solutions. I think everyone should do this before jumping onto the bus.

Firstly, it's OK to feel what you are feeling. How could it be otherwise? It doesn't matter if other people do not understand you from their perspectives. When you describe your family as unhappy, there may be a genetic and/or environmental component that has been passed down. The real enemy could be serotonin levels and/or being trained to treat yourself harshly. Have you given conventional psychotherapy or medications a try?

If you feel that the world is the problem, consider that the very thing it needs is more engaged, caring people. It's analogous to the situation with procreation: people who don't give a damn will shamelessly multiply, while the most thoughtful will abstain, solidifying society's descent.

But we shouldn't merely live for the sake of making up numbers in the wider world, nor is that in itself cause to CTB. See if this is a simple case of having psychological blockages preventing you from feeling your own inner beauty and your own worthiness, therefore blocking out the love of others and making the world seem darker than it actually is.

 

[chocolatebar]

a possibility that comes to mind is that life has been too easy for you. no challenge, so to speak. you dont understand or appreciate the difficulty of procuring what you have. you buy stuff to fill the void and so on.

One thing I don't understand from this line of thought is: Should there be a "challenge"? And why? Are we supposed to pass through bad experiences in order to live good experiences or we won't be able to experience them as good at all? If that's the case, are the good experiences really good, or just the relief from the badness?

 

[stygal]

I also don't believe that the world as a whole is a good place or that there isn't an unlimited potential to suffer however it doesn't mean there is no goodness or kindness at all or that you @21stcenturycamus couldn't find a place for yourself to at least be neutral most of the time and even be content sometimes. For example it seemed like you had a good thing going with your ex before you broke up over what seemed to have been depression/exhaustion and his inability to handle the situation.
He just wasn't the right one for you yet and not empathic enough or knowledge when it comes to depression.

Im more and more coming to the conclusion that this absurd life is what you make of it - if you have the means to do so - which you OP (and I) seem to have - financially and socially you can easily try and find at least a niche to feel okay for a while - if something doesn't work out and keeps bothering you - ctb is still a way out.

 

[Darkover]

Yes some people are lucky in life and have good life but the world is good to so few of us.
Life is a gamble, at terrible odds—if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. ... is a bleak expression of a very difficult and frightening truth—namely, that the world is a random and chaotic place in which our chances of success are extremely slim.

 

[lonerclown666]

No only evilness is in this world the closest thing to goodness is kids

 

[Umeboahi]

In answer to the title, no

 

[NasiGoreng]

Yes

 

[TriggerHappy]

I guess I'd like to believe there is.
Along with God, Father Christmas, and the Tooth Fairy.

I know the Easter Bunny is evil (evidence included below)

 

[NormaJeane]

It is difficult to find people who are kind, it seems like most people are mean. People are far too well off in rich countries, but a homeless person begging for money must be kind. So it is a lot about what situation you are in. People live in the wrong way, man should never have left life in nature. There are too many people on this planet which allows people to hold on anyway. Overpopulation is the cause of all evil that afflicts us.

 

[Mr2005]

Of course

 

[Rogue Proxy]

Absolutely not! "Goodness" is related pleasure, which is ephemeral, infrequent, and weak compared to suffering. All the pleasures in life cannot rectify, mitigate, compensate for, or compare to the boundless forms, severity, and frequency of suffering. The only world devoid of all suffering is one devoid of all organisms and more importantly, DNA (the essential component of all life and the catalyst of all suffering). To quote Arthur Schopenhauer: "It would be better if there were nothing. Since there is more pain than pleasure on earth, every satisfaction is only transitory, creating new desires and new distresses, and the agony of the devoured animal is always far greater than the pleasure of the devourer."

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Yes, but I'm not a part of that...

 

[brutalus]

One thing I don't understand from this line of thought is: Should there be a "challenge"? And why? Are we supposed to pass through bad experiences in order to live good experiences or we won't be able to experience them as good at all? If that's the case, are the good experiences really good, or just the relief from the badness?

its not that there "should". its just in our human nature. i think that as a species we are made to overcome, thats why we have come so far. we need to feel useful i think.

it may also be an effect of an idle mind. for example in mexico theres not a lot of suicides, I attribute this to the fact that many people are too busy trying to get enough money to eat, so theres no time or energy to think about the meaning of life. conversely in countries where basic needs are easily met, people start to question the need for their own existence.

 

[chocolatebar]

its not that there "should". its just in our human nature. i think that as a species we are made to overcome, thats why we have come so far. we need to feel useful i think.

it may also be an effect of an idle mind. for example in mexico theres not a lot of suicides, I attribute this to the fact that many people are too busy trying to get enough money to eat, so theres no time or energy to think about the meaning of life. conversely in countries where basic needs are easily met, people start to question the need for their own existence.

I see your point now.

Is Mexico a religious country? Here in Brazil, many people live extremely bad lives, but religion is the key factor for them to avoid suicide.

However, i remember a user here posting a table listing countries by suicide rate and, if I remember well, it opposed to the widespread view that suicides in more developed countries arehigher. I will look for this post and check the sources

 

[21stcenturycamus]

hello!

a possibility that comes to mind is that life has been too easy for you. no challenge, so to speak. you dont understand or appreciate the difficulty of procuring what you have. you buy stuff to fill the void and so on.

about good or evil, we are not good or evil. we are just selfish.

about enjoying life. is life meant to be enjoyed? thats very hollywood imo.

i recommend alcohol, antidepressants and illegal drugs such as weed and coke to feel better.

Thank you for your reply. I often fear that I am an alcoholic given that I enjoy it quite a lot. Nonetheless, how long can we numb our minds to avoid the pain? I drink to shut my mind from the invasion of intrusive thoughts. How do you deal with it?

Welcome! In a way it's sad to have to welcome here, but you get my drift.

Sorry to hear about how you've been struggling for so long. It sounds like you are deeply thoughtful with a starkly realistic view of our twisted society and the powerlessness of the individual.

It is hopeful that you are seeking genuine solutions. I think everyone should do this before jumping onto the bus.

Firstly, it's OK to feel what you are feeling. How could it be otherwise? It doesn't matter if other people do not understand you from their perspectives. When you describe your family as unhappy, there may be a genetic and/or environmental component that has been passed down. The real enemy could be serotonin levels and/or being trained to treat yourself harshly. Have you given conventional psychotherapy or medications a try?

If you feel that the world is the problem, consider that the very thing it needs is more engaged, caring people. It's analogous to the situation with procreation: people who don't give a damn will shamelessly multiply, while the most thoughtful will abstain, solidifying society's descent.

But we shouldn't merely live for the sake of making up numbers in the wider world, nor is that in itself cause to CTB. See if this is a simple case of having psychological blockages preventing you from feeling your own inner beauty and your own worthiness, therefore blocking out the love of others and making the world seem darker than it actually is.

I have been receiving both therapy and medications for a long time now. Although they help, this year I have seen a different psychiatrist that specialized in generational trauma and I also started to believe that my depression is something passed on.
On the other hand, I am a people-pleaser in the worst sense. I am quite perfectionist and always very hard on my self for even the smallest circumstantial inconveniences. But I cannot stop thinking that I have been created this way, and my notions are always confirmed just through the feeling of swimming in circles.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Nope. People are motivated almost purely by selfish intent with altruism being the rare winning lottery ticket in terms of ratio.

 

[niki wonoto]

I do not believe there is any goodness in the world. Life is very unfair. Chance and luck determine everything. Some people are disadvantaged right from the start. Factors out of our control can ruin our lives. This life holds unlimited potential for suffering. There is no limit as to how bad it can get. Life is just unnecessary, we were all perfectly fine not existing before we were forced to live. People who are unable to see this are delusional.

I also have no more energy to carry on and I have been suicidal since I was young too. I have never wanted to be alive. This world really is a horrible place. I think to be able to feel at peace with yourself, that is a feeling that comes from within.

I agree with your comment (& also OP's post) about how depressing life is (& of course also the world, society (human's), existence, & reality).
But then, to say it bluntly & honestly, I never understand why even a lot of 'pessimistic' posts like your excellent comment, for example, often somehow still have to be ended with such 'hopeful/optimistic/positive' words?

I mean, how can you still be able to find "peace within yourself", when you already know how bleak, shitty, unfair, & depressing this world/life/society/existence & reality is? I seriously never understand this, to be honest. For me, all that's left is really just severe/heavy depression, suicidal thoughts/feelings everyday, & also deep existential crisis (or existential depression, in my case). I feel that everything is meaningless, and there's nothing I can do, so tbh, I basically just do nothing (& yes, I sleep a lot to escape reality).

 

[motel rooms]

I think "kindness" is a better term than "goodness". It's rare & easily destroyed, so most people don't get to experience enough (or even any) of it, but it exists.

 

[Lost Magic]

Of course there is goodness in the world, but it is overshadowed a lot of the time with all the ill deeds. Be kind to one another.