Discussion Do you also want to feel low?

[aiuto]

Hello everyone. I've currently been on citalopram for a few months now and I can see some changes in my emotions, but I don't know if I like them.
I feel that my emotions are changed but my worldview isn't.
I feel nostalgic for when I felt absolutely low. Even though I absolutely felt like shit I also felt validated in those moments, anyone feels anything similar?

 

[The Warm Industry]

I know how you're feeling and I don't think it's a good way to feel. I used to call those moments "masochist feelings".

After so much time on meds, I started feeling "good, but with the same cynical and empty point-of-view" which made me depressed without feeling depressed. I started wanting to feel that way again just so I could feel something real. It took some time for to realise that's just my brain wanting to feel bad again.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Absolutely relatable, yes. It makes sense because your emotions aren't, as therapists might want to make you believe, irrational; on the contrary, they are a valid reaction to oppressing circumstances and so, as you yourself have already recognized, your "worldview" - and I would argue not just your world-view but the actual world you live in - hasn't changed; and why would it? Why would taking a drug change your world-view or the depressing realities of your existence? It can only take away your emotional reaction to your circumstances or maybe make you feel some sort of vapid cheerfulness in spite of them; which isn't to say that drugs can not be a valuable tool for some but we have to realize the limits of chemical interventions in life-problems.

 

[Epsilon0]

I experienced something similar when I was on Citalopram. I can only describe it as fake energy. I hated the feeling.

Hang in there as best you can! Sorry you feel this way.

 

[k75]

This thing happens to me where after I feel incredibly bad for a really long time, things kind of get switched around. My feelings get reversed. When I'm not feeling anxious, it feels wrong. Almost like anxiety is a good and normal state of being, and non anxiety is the bad place. Depression too. I don't trust it; it makes me uneasy. Feeling good feels bad, and I get strangely guilty for feeling okay. Like I should be feeling the other way, why am I not??? Also I stress, because I know it's just going to get bad again and I'm waiting for it to happen.

Another thing that happens to me is when I start feeling suicidal and depressed, I kind of don't want to feel better. I want to hurt myself, and if I'm feeling better I'm not going to hurt myself. So I do stupid things like go off my meds because I know it'll get me to that place, and when I'm in that place I don't want to start the meds again because I just want to get worse. But at the same time I don't want to get worse. I honestly want to feel better and I don't want to hurt myself and I don't want to feel all these bad horrible things.

All that's the sickness talking. Those bad feelings are not real feelings. Depression kind of rewires your head a little bit and it's easier to feel bad than feel good. That's why it's such an awful illness. A lot of therapy it's just trying to make things connect the way they're supposed to again, and I think we're wired to be negative, so it's an extremely difficult or impossible battle.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Being low is easier. I resisted it for a while and, sorta, wanted it back. Things didn't work out that way and I'm now doing stuff that improves my life. I got the Zyprexa as an antiemetic to CtB with SN, and it actually worked. Wasn't expecting that one.

 

[Midnight]

Absolutely relatable, yes. It makes sense because your emotions aren't, as therapists might want to make you believe, irrational; on the contrary, they are a valid reaction to oppressing circumstances and so, as you yourself have already recognized, your "worldview" - and I would argue not just your world-view but the actual world you live in - hasn't changed; and why would it? Why would taking a drug change your world-view or the depressing realities of your existence? It can only take away your emotional reaction to your circumstances or maybe make you feel some sort of vapid cheerfulness in spite of them; which isn't to say that drugs can not be a valuable tool for some but we have to realize the limits of chemical interventions in life-problems.

Well said. I relate alot to this. For longtime (or even lifetime) deppressive people SSRI meds are merely a bandaid or should be used in conjunction with other means of treatment to help get the best out of it. I must add though citalopram has alot less side-effect than others i've used. I can't fault it for what it is.

As to the OP: In the past 2 decades i've also had many periods where i'd just like for shit to get worse or feel worse.. to me this is to aid me in going so far down that i would finally cross the line and do the thing. I've even gone so far as piss away what savings i had on things i wanted to get out of life or that where denied to me in the past before i do the inevitable. I hoped that going broke would push me over the edge. It hasn't yet. I'm not far now though. Anyway i relate to your thoughts. Can't say it's a good thing though. I hope you can stay away from those thoughts. I've given in a long time ago.

 

[seho_j]

I'm glad that I'm not alone in feeling like this. It does feel easier to just think that I feel like shit and never try anything. I miss my darkest moments, where I just wanted nothing but death. Now I have a lot of mixed feelings, which is confusing. I definitely relate because while I've gotten more energetic and have more motivation in the things I do, I still have that dark worldview.

 

[MysticPerception]

To steal part of a certain quote from a certain book(which I will not say which is due to spoilers for a good series): "I've been here a million times, you know I have, and that anger, it's the rage of a kid getting dragged out of bed on a cold morning. That's all it is. Because that depression, it's the most comfy bed in the world and you will say whatever you have to say to stay in it for one more minute." again that's just part of the full quote but my point is I agree that depression is a warm comfy bed I don't want to get out of really. The deep dark thoughts of suicide are comforting and an escape at times that is necessary to get me through the day. I skipped out on taking antidepressants in the past because I refused to have my thoughts change due to a pill. I wanted to be me and stay me even if that meant continuing to wallow in the lowest point of my mind. So yeah, I also want to feel low. To take that away from me would just give me another reason to ctb.