Discussion Do programmers have a right to commit suicide?

[Ripmyveinsout]

I'm supposed to be dead already. I bought SN after reading the guides and reports here. I wanted and still want the bad memories and bad feelings in my head to go away forever. This website is one reason I'm still alive and I'm not happy to die until I understand why.

I've been lurking this website for a few months and I've read several people say they wouldn't kill themselves if they had my life. I don't like my career as a software engineer but I've read several people say they'd stop being suicidal if they could have my degree.

What does that say about me? Am I too miserable to enjoy what others would die for? Am I a weak person for spending so much of the past year drinking myself to sleep alone by myself because I hated my job?

 

[Lady black]

Maybe you should have a look for a job that makes you happy. If that doesn´t work you could still use your SN. Just think about that we spent so much time of our lifes in our jobs. So the job should be ok for you or in the best case should be something you like to do. It doesn´t matter if others would like your job. I matters if you like it. And yes you have the right to commit suicide, just as you have the right to live...

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What it says about you as well as others is that not everyone values the same things, and that each person is going to experience things differently. What others want is not a reflection of you or what you have.

 

[TAW122]

The decision on whether to CTB or not does not depend on one's profession. Anyone in any profession can be miserable and/or have their own reasons for wanting to CTB. Therefore, profession should be independent of whether one should CTB or not. With that said, well it depends on the profession as well, some professions are very backbreaking and hard work (construction, manual labor, to name a few) while other jobs may not be as physically intensive, but are mentally draining such as being a lawyer, doctor, air traffic controller, etc. Ultimately, it is up to the person's personal circumstances and life that determines whether he/she is going to CTB.

 

[Гууу]

I think, anyone has right on it. No depends on profession. It's hard to have a proven good image of your life and feeling of stuff around it.
If your current job is a stumbling block of your happy existence - you can try to find new one, still it's popular practice.

I ran out as SE when i just couldn't keep programming and my mind is stoned for new ideas. Maybe i even a bit jealous about u having possibilities :)

 

[Busdriver]

I was busy learning programming and database administration eventhough I really hated the jobs, because of mentally draining, a lot of complicated meetings, working overtime every day (unpaid) and working in the weekends; also in the nights. I kept getting burned out and fired.

Then I realised: I don't NEED to be an IT professional if I hate it and don't want it.

Finding something I like is impossible, because I dislike everything in life as a real antinatalist.

But if you like to do something else, then please go for it! It gives so much satisfaction if you do what you like, because you can then consume the happiness instantly. Your desire for CTB might decrease significantly because of it

 

[Whitewash11235814]

Different jobs fit different people.

 

[Eren]

I am also a programmer, I do not earn a lot of money, but I like my job and in a short time I could be promoted. Still I'm not happy and I'm suicidal.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Everyone has different limits so yes if you want to thats your choice. But on the other hand i have a severe facial and skull deformity so somethimes i do have those feelings too. I think its mostly because some things could still go better for people in the future so there could be some hope left. And my condition is unfixable so im left without hope and somethimes just a bit jealous even if i know thats a bad thing

 

[Ripmyveinsout]

"Find something you enjoy doing" is something I find beyond my current capabilities.

"It's never too late to change careers" is difficult advice to follow without any concrete steps on why I would leave one career for a different career I'm not sure I'd like.

"Seeking what makes you happy" is too emotionally difficult. Every Monday I stare out over the balcony trying to come up with one single reason I shouldn't jump. I regret getting a computer science degree.

I expect retaliation if I say to a homeless person I didn't enjoy having my own home.
I expect rebuke if I say to an unemployed person I didn't enjoy having a high paying job.
I expect ridicule if I say to someone who has a sadder story I feel trapped in a lucrative career field I don't enjoy.

I don't know if I should drink sodium nitrite but the decision will be made for me by work.

 

[mr nobody]

I'm supposed to be dead already. I bought SN after reading the guides and reports here. I wanted and still want the bad memories and bad feelings in my head to go away forever. This website is one reason I'm still alive and I'm not happy to die until I understand why.

I've been lurking this website for a few months and I've read several people say they wouldn't kill themselves if they had my life. I don't like my career as a software engineer but I've read several people say they'd stop being suicidal if they could have my degree.

What does that say about me? Am I too miserable to enjoy what others would die for? Am I a weak person for spending so much of the past year drinking myself to sleep alone by myself because I hated my job?

I am somewhat in the same boat as you career wise. I am an electrical engineer by degree. I did 7 and a half years of nuclear engineering. I've made A LOT of money and have accomplished a lot in my short amount of time here so far. My psychiatrist told me that he doesn't understand how someone in my position could possibly want to do what I attempted to do. I've always told people that money and materialistic things don't really fulfill me, per say.

 

[Schweppes]

People have different values

 

[Iamnotperminant92]

It seems like this kind of dissonance is fairly common. Married miserable people want to be single. Single miserable people wanting a SO. Wanting freedom from a demanding job vs wanting to feel like they contribute something. It's natural to envy someone who is in a position we think we could make work while we are stuck in hell.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I'm also a software developer. I took a long break from work not long ago because my previous job made me miserable. My therapist, my family, and my friends kept telling me how I could try a different career or something, but the thing is that software was the only thing I knew how to do.

I found a new job recently and I'm trying to keep in mind that I used to enjoy it. Its really stressful and I already hate my boss but it's been going ok so far.

Is there something specific about it that you hate? Stress? impostor syndrome? Tech bro culture?

I don't blame you btw! I used to fantasise about jumping over the railing inside the computer lab at uni. That was over 10 years ago omg.

 

[Ripmyveinsout]

I'm also a software developer. I took a long break from work not long ago because my previous job made me miserable. My therapist, my family, and my friends kept telling me how I could try a different career or something, but the thing is that software was the only thing I knew how to do.

I found a new job recently and I'm trying to keep in mind that I used to enjoy it. Its really stressful and I already hate my boss but it's been going ok so far.

Is there something specific about it that you hate? Stress? impostor syndrome? Tech bro culture?

I don't blame you btw! I used to fantasise about jumping over the railing inside the computer lab at uni. That was over 10 years ago omg.

I don't like the part where I'm made to care about solving problems that don't matter i.e., create a new analytics dashboard or monitoring my phone after work for alerts so I can restart the buggy cloud parallel computing cluster while I'm not allowed to go to a therapist during lunch because I need to be physically in the office 9-5.

I recognize I had a bad manager but the local coding interview process I've been hacking at for several weeks consists of solving several hard data structures and algorithms problems such as using topological graph sort implemented using breadth first search and an adjacency list combined with an innode list to deduce the ordering of letters in a fictional language within 30 minutes just to get an offer isn't any more meaningful or energizing.

I wanted to help people, I need to feel useful. Nothing I do on a daily basis makes me feel like my life is useful for anything except making companies money.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I don't like the part where I'm made to care about solving problems that don't matter i.e., create a new analytics dashboard or monitoring my phone after work for alerts so I can restart the buggy cloud parallel computing cluster while I'm not allowed to go to a therapist during lunch because I need to be physically in the office 9-5.

I recognize I had a bad manager but the local coding interview process I've been hacking at for several weeks consists of solving several hard data structures and algorithms problems such as using topological graph sort implemented using breadth first search and an adjacency list combined with an innode list to deduce the ordering of letters in a fictional language within 30 minutes just to get an offer isn't any more meaningful or energizing.

I wanted to help people, I need to feel useful. Nothing I do on a daily basis makes me feel like my life is useful for anything except making companies money.

Ah yes I see. It's not easy finding satisfaction in these things, and I recognise that need to feel useful. It never ceases to amaze me how many projects and systems just solve the same problem over and over again, and how no one seems to learn anything from it!

I shouldn't try to 'solve' your problems, but something that I found helpful was to build relationships with people who needed help. There's always 'that guy' who always has problems and seems to break everything. I tried to make friends with him and it turned out he was a great ally. Every business is different of course, but if you can find someone non-technical to latch onto they'll start coming to you help. Just having someone say thank you can make a lot of crap worthwhile.

That interview process sounds tough! Ihave flunked enough interviews to get scared of technical tests. I have a friend who works for a big bank in London for about 5x my salary and she keeps trying to convince me to try it... just the thought of what kind of technical challenges they'd set terrifies me!

Anyway hugs and all that. Only you can decide whether to CTB but while you're still around please look after yourself because you deserve to be happy.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

What it says about you as well as others is that not everyone values the same things, and that each person is going to experience things differently. What others want is not a reflection of you or what you have.

Exactly what I was going to say.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I'm studying software engineer too. And it's one of the few things that keeps me alive. But I want to ctb too. It's a daily fight in my head. Choise is yours. I wish you the best

 

[FusRohDracarys]

I'm also a software engineer, albeit between jobs right now. I had suicidal ideation and attempts way before I got into the field, and being a software engineer has not made the thoughts go away. As far as I'm concerned, if anyone thinks that your career choice invalidates your decision to CTB, that's a personal problem on their side, not yours. Everyone has their reasons for CTB. No one chose life.

 

[Alec]

I think the same about myself and my life. I think: I live in Europe, as a legal immigrant. There are people starving, in other countries, when in here it's easier to afford all kinds of delicious food. There are people leaving in squalor, trying to survive. I live in a comfortable apartment close to the beach in a tourist town.
And I hate myself, because I think that many would be happy with this life, and would die and kill for it or for a chance at my life.
But I'm still not happy. I can't be happy.
I've come to realize, that while some things are a definition of a great life for someone, and something that would satisfy them and keep them at peace with everything, it doesn't mean that these same things mean the same to another, it doesn't mean that these things can satisfy and make for a happy life for another. We are all not robots, we are not build for the same life, and for the same things to make us all happy and fulfill us, because we are all different and we are all looking for different things. I can't blame myself for not being happy in my situation, because another would be happy in my situation. Because I'm me, I'm not that another person and I have to live life as me, and feel things as me, because I'm me and that's real, and it's better to live real things and stay true to myself. Staying true is the only way to have at least a chance at finding real happiness.
And I've come to realize, that while physical things and financial stability or even better-financial excess, are very important and can make a BIG difference, it can't make me happy, or fulfill me. It's important, but it's not the most important. Physical things can't fulfill me and make me happy.
You don't have to feel guilty. It's you, real you, staying true to yourself. It just means there are other things that fulfill you, and those other things aren't the same things that would fulfill other people. And things that would fulfill other people, don't work for you and can't fulfill you. That's it. But you have every right to feel the way you feel, and hate what you hate, and want and long for something else and different, because it's true to you and real. Even if it means saying "no" to something others would very gladly scream "yes" to. It's just means you are different from them, and that alright, that ok, and that's all.
I hope you will find a way to feel better. And find whatever it is you are looking for.

Love,
—Alec.

I'm also a software engineer, albeit between jobs right now. I had suicidal ideation and attempts way before I got into the field, and being a software engineer has not made the thoughts go away. As far as I'm concerned, if anyone thinks that your career choice invalidates your decision to CTB, that's a personal problem on their side, not yours. Everyone has their reasons for CTB. No one chose life.

Fully agree with this comment!

 

[BPD Barbie]

Happiness comes in different forms for different people. What makes one person happy might drive another to depression. We are all different. This doesnt mean you can't ctb because you have what another wants. You have every right, everyone does, nobody can tell you or dictate to you what you can or can't do. But maybe there are other options? Have you tried going into a different career? I understand you've probably dedicated a lot of time and effort into your current on, but maybe try something else?

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

A person's occupation is largely irrelevant. CTB is ultimately a cost/benefit decision: Does continuing to live require more effort and produce more suffering than CBT'ing? The answer to this question will lead you to the ultimate answer. That said, I do remember reading that the IT field (where programmers fit into) does have a relatively high suicide rate. It's a very stressful and mostly thankless line of work.

 

[InTheAirTonight]

No.

Funny question

 

[codewarrior]

Its irrelevant and not at all related to profession.
Am a programmer for 15 years. I've felt, life is not at all about skill or talent but an opportunity, being at right place and right time.
I've lived algorithms, sometimes I was only given 4 hours to solve major code problems, blood used to rush in mind with pressure and clock ticking.
Tough job, but got used to it. 14+ hours almost every day over years, health affected badly.

 

[TowerUpright]

For me, I'm a Software Engineer, and love my job. It's the rest of life I'm trying to escape. Now, working at home due to COVID, family life is creeping into what was my emotional escape. I have SN ready (no meto), but no time to drink up without someone finding me.

I'm sorry your job is causing so much pain in your life. Maybe switch into a different field?? BA work? DBA? UX??

 

[Tharik77]

The decision on whether to CTB or not does not depend on one's profession. Anyone in any profession can be miserable and/or have their own reasons for wanting to CTB. Therefore, profession should be independent of whether one should CTB or not. With that said, well it depends on the profession as well, some professions are very backbreaking and hard work (construction, manual labor, to name a few) while other jobs may not be as physically intensive, but are mentally draining such as being a lawyer, doctor, air traffic controller, etc. Ultimately, it is up to the person's personal circumstances and life that determines whether he/she is going to CTB.

I'm so jealous of your I.Q., I'd give anything to have it. You don't know what it's like to be dumb, it's horrible, it's frustrating...

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I'm supposed to be dead already. I bought SN after reading the guides and reports here. I wanted and still want the bad memories and bad feelings in my head to go away forever. This website is one reason I'm still alive and I'm not happy to die until I understand why.

I've been lurking this website for a few months and I've read several people say they wouldn't kill themselves if they had my life. I don't like my career as a software engineer but I've read several people say they'd stop being suicidal if they could have my degree.

What does that say about me? Am I too miserable to enjoy what others would die for? Am I a weak person for spending so much of the past year drinking myself to sleep alone by myself because I hated my job?

Wait have people on this forum actually said they wouldn´t be suicidal if they had your job? Seems like a shit thing to say also it´s purely subjective what makes a person suicidal and no one asked to be born so everyone have the right to die and profession has nothing to do with that choice.

 

[Life sucks]

You are a human no matter what is your job. You can ctb or live depending on your choice and not what other people say. Also corporations and regular work is shit and programming is a bad mix with it. Programming could be fun and supposed to be about real freedom outside of corporations but not within it. Corporations make everything shitty including programming.

 

[s1mplem3]

If you hated your job why not to find someone you would like to do?

 

[terry_a_davis]

Of course programmers have the right to ctb. People with fame and money ctb. Occupation/status and money doesn't guarantee happiness. I think there are good and bad coding jobs OP and different companies have different (sometimes better) working environments, consider looking elsewhere if it's really doing your head in.

I've got some experience in coding jobs, pretty much enjoyed all of it, even though the projects weren't of a personal interest they were designed to help the company so I was motivated. Programming to me is really interesting as you are often creating completely new/original solutions, I find it expressive.