Discussion do people with anxious attachment styles actually hate avoidants?

[whitetaildeer]

as a person with an avoidant attachment style, i see so many scathing comments directed to avoidants, and literally no other attachment style... and they are almost always made by people who either have an anxious attachment style, or had one previously and have since developed a secure one.

for example (sanitized examples, of course): "avoidants are energy vampires," or "avoidants are a waste of time and should be left to themselves." or, the worst i've seen, "avoidants are narcissists." like avoidants are apparently scum of the earth. on one hand, i really get why they're angry (the push-pull can be maddening). but on the other hand, it's worrying to see as much anger as avoidants get. i've only seen people get this angry at their abusers.

is this people just being hyperbolic for the sake of being hyperbolic? or is there just some worrying pattern of a lot of abusers being people with avoidant attachment styles? i'd really appreciate any input from people who have an anxious attachment style

 

[EvisceratedJester]

My question is why people are treating attachment styles like astrological signs. This really has "I don't Scorpios because they are evil" type energy. I would just ignore those comments if I were you.

 

[whitetaildeer]

My question is why people are treating attachment styles like astrological signs. This really has "I don't Scorpios because they are evil" type energy. I would just ignore those comments if I were you.

this made me laugh, thank you

come to think of it, it really is being treated like astrological signs/mbti/hogwarts houses/whatever is trendy. i typically just lurk in spaces for avoidant attachments, but every so often i'll see a negative post like that on my for you page on social media with a lot of engagement. and of course i can't help myself so i keep scrolling through all of the comments

shame that something meant to help others with how they approach their relationships is now being treated like this, but i guess such is customary for the internet

 

[Forever Sleep]

If it's aggression being expressed towards avoidants, I'd imagine that is because a person has been hurt in a friendship/ relationship and picked up a waryness/ grudge. It's not fair. Especially not to express it as hate. Still, I don't think you could blame them for being wary in future to avoid possibly being hurt again.

This place is somewhere people feel they can vent their issues. If they feel like their life has been severely damaged, trust destroyed- they may just be letting loose venting without meaning to direct it at actual members who believe they have this.

I tend to speak negatively towards narcissism (you also seemed to here.) People suffering with NPD have mentioned they feel hurt by this in general on the forum also. Which I can also understand. However, it was someone I believe to be a narcissist who made me suicidal to begin with so, it's also kind of logical I would vent about it and be very wary of it in others.

Again though- we're not saying everyone with the same condition is like this. Just that people with these traits exist and, they've been massively damaging to us. That could of course be as much on us though.

I'm not sure what I have. I tend to isolate now but I definitely know I can feel clingy and dependent towards people, so I probably am in danger of being anxious- which is kind of why I do isolate! I don't like relying on people and feeling let down.

If I'm honest, I've been wary of people who've told me they have Borderline Personality Disorder. Not in an aggressive way but in a- I think it's best for me to not start believing we're bffs! I don't think my fear of abandonment could cope with people who blow hot and cold. Not their fault but, not mine either. Just a mismatch of personalities. Better to keep friendly but not be drawn in by how much you mean to them etc.

To actually speak aggressively does sound trauma related though. As to who's 'fault' it was though, maybe neithers. Maybe they were just mismatched. They probably don't 'hate' all avoidants. I don't necessarily hate people who say they have NPD. I expect we are more wary around them though- because we don't want a repeat of past relationships. (Naturally, if they made us suicidal!)

 

[me_when_:D]

this made me laugh, thank you

come to think of it, it really is being treated like astrological signs/mbti/hogwarts houses/whatever is trendy. i typically just lurk in spaces for avoidant attachments, but every so often i'll see a negative post like that on my for you page on social media with a lot of engagement. and of course i can't help myself so i keep scrolling through all of the comments

shame that something meant to help others with how they approach their relationships is now being treated like this, but i guess such is customary for the internet

Do these places have space for fearful-avoidants and do you have a link?
I might benefit from lurking there too haha

 

[whitetaildeer]

If it's aggression being expressed towards avoidants, I'd imagine that is because a person has been hurt in a friendship/ relationship and picked up a waryness/ grudge. It's not fair. Especially not to express it as hate. Still, I don't think you could blame them for being wary in future to avoid possibly being hurt again.

This place is somewhere people feel they can vent their issues. If they feel like their life has been severely damaged, trust destroyed- they may just be letting loose venting without meaning to direct it at actual members who believe they have this.

I tend to speak negatively towards narcissism (you also seemed to here.) People suffering with NPD have mentioned they feel hurt by this in general on the forum also. Which I can also understand. However, it was someone I believe to be a narcissist who made me suicidal to begin with so, it's also kind of logical I would vent about it and be very wary of it in others.

Again though- we're not saying everyone with the same condition is like this. Just that people with these traits exist and, they've been massively damaging to us. That could of course be as much on us though.

I'm not sure what I have. I tend to isolate now but I definitely know I can feel clingy and dependent towards people, so I probably am in danger of being anxious- which is kind of why I do isolate! I don't like relying on people and feeling let down.

If I'm honest, I've been wary of people who've told me they have Borderline Personality Disorder. Not in an aggressive way but in a- I think it's best for me to not start believing we're bffs! I don't think my fear of abandonment could cope with people who blow hot and cold. Not their fault but, not mine either. Just a mismatch of personalities. Better to keep friendly but not be drawn in by how much you mean to them etc.

To actually speak aggressively does sound trauma related though. As to who's 'fault' it was though, maybe neithers. Maybe they were just mismatched. They probably don't 'hate' all avoidants. I don't necessarily hate people who say they have NPD. I expect we are more wary around them though- because we don't want a repeat of past relationships. (Naturally, if they made us suicidal!)

interesting. thank you for your perspective! but before i say anything, i'm so sorry if i gave the impression that i was trying to come in here and go "grr, you guys can't vent about the people who have hurt you because i see myself in them." i think everyone has the right to vent about anyone they want here, no matter the nature of their words; i was referring to social media posts that come out of nowhere on my for you page (no matter how much i use the "not interested" option), or, what pushed me to make my initial post, anxious attachments intruding spaces for avoidants, and posting those things.

i think it is trauma related for some cases. but, why direct your anger at the attachment style and not the abuse? then again, social media isn't a good perspective on someone's life: i'm only seeing one post, from one person i'll likely never see or interact with, so for all i know, the attachment style could just be one of many things they're venting about. it just puzzles me, because it's always phrased like avoidants are inherently abusive.

i relate to the npd/bpd bit, and reading your perspective has helped me understand why people talk about avoidants like this. my worst trauma stems from someone who had npd, and three of my abusers had bpd (the last abuser i was in contact with had both bpd and an anxious attachment style, and i'm still recovering from what that did to me). i don't think that having a cluster b disorder makes someone inherently evil-- they didn't choose to have the disorders. who would? but just because i'm wary, careful, and may even vent about how they treated me (perhaps due to their disorder, perhaps not), doesn't mean i hate every single person with a cluster b disorder, or every single person with an anxious attachment one.

again, thank you for sharing! i shouldn't take it personally i guess. people are entitled to use social media how they want, and if they use it to vent, so be it. "don't like, just scroll" applies for this scenario, i think

Do these places have space for fearful-avoidants and do you have a link?
I might benefit from lurking there too haha

yes! r/avoidantattachment is a good one and my favorite (but this is the space i referred to that's getting an influx of anxious attachment styles coming in and getting upset over what they see).

 

[CaliguIa]

tbh i love them and I envy them

 

[Forever Sleep]

interesting. thank you for your perspective! but before i say anything, i'm so sorry if i gave the impression that i was trying to come in here and go "grr, you guys can't vent about the people who have hurt you because i see myself in them." i think everyone has the right to vent about anyone they want here, no matter the nature of their words; i was referring to social media posts that come out of nowhere on my for you page (no matter how much i use the "not interested" option), or, what pushed me to make my initial post, anxious attachments intruding spaces for avoidants, and posting those things.

i think it is trauma related for some cases. but, why direct your anger at the attachment style and not the abuse? then again, social media isn't a good perspective on someone's life: i'm only seeing one post, from one person i'll likely never see or interact with, so for all i know, the attachment style could just be one of many things they're venting about. it just puzzles me, because it's always phrased like avoidants are inherently abusive.

i relate to the npd/bpd bit, and reading your perspective has helped me understand why people talk about avoidants like this. my worst trauma stems from someone who had npd, and three of my abusers had bpd (the last abuser i was in contact with had both bpd and an anxious attachment style, and i'm still recovering from what that did to me). i don't think that having a cluster b disorder makes someone inherently evil-- they didn't choose to have the disorders. who would? but just because i'm wary, careful, and may even vent about how they treated me (perhaps due to their disorder, perhaps not), doesn't mean i hate every single person with a cluster b disorder, or every single person with an anxious attachment one.

again, thank you for sharing! i shouldn't take it personally i guess. people are entitled to use social media how they want, and if they use it to vent, so be it. "don't like, just scroll" applies for this scenario, i think


yes! r/avoidantattachment is a good one and my favorite (but this is the space i referred to that's getting an influx of anxious attachment styles coming in and getting upset over what they see).

No need to apologise. Your post didn't come across as complaining that people shouldn't vent. I suppose I was just trying to give an example on why people may seem to have a strong prejudice/ paranoia.

I imagine regarding YouTube content, it's partly just for views and money though. I imagine lots of people turn to places like YouTube when they are struggling in a relationship and are maybe concerned at some behaviours.

But- you're right. It likely does cover these things in very broad strokes and it likely does demonize large groups of people- which likely isn't anywhere near nuanced enough and I can absolutely understand why it's hurtful.

People definitely shouldn't be going for individuals in some kind of revenge campaign either! How can it help them to go after other people they don't even know?!! I think I'm wary of people when they identify as having NPD or, they seem to have some traits but, I hope I'd never be abusive to them.

I remember a particular criticism that all bullies were being labelled as narcissists. Whereas, they needn't actually be narcissists and narcissists needn't necessarily be bullies. We've had members here who said they had NPD but were very vigilant on how they behaved.

I suppose I can see it from both sides in a way. It actually helped me enormously when I found out about narcissism on YouTube. This person's behaviour (in my life) seemed so strange to me. I'd spent years wondering whether in some way, I had actually done the things they accused me of. I even wondered whether I'd slept walked and done them at one point! I just couldn't understand why someone would blantantly lie about really quite serious things and play the victim the whole time. While it will never be an official diagnosis, it validated so much for me.

So, in some ways I suppose I'm actually grateful for platforms like YouTube that teach us what the red flags are. Also to analyse ourselves. I realised that all my crazy crushes on guys were very likely limerence. Knowing that, I've been able to better control my worse tendencies.

You're right though. It's not necessarily someone's 'fault' they act the way they do. However, that doesn't mean their behavours don't cause damage though. I think these channels can help potential 'victims' understand what's going on and how to minimize damage. That goes for anxious types too though. I think I had enough self awareness to realise that feeling so emotionally dependent on people wasn't good for them or me. So- that's not healthy behaviour either. I guess it's all just about being as mindful as we can be about our own behaviour and others behaviour, so that we try not to hurt one another.

 

[iamanavalanche]

just wanted to come here and say that i love deer ♡