I totally feel like Im going mad...Esp now with the Holidays coming up, then my birthday isn't far after (oh jus gr8--another frkn year! ugh!), then deadlines Im supposed to meet of diff sorts.....and my stupid health is the F*cked up ROOT OF IT ALL that has led me to not wanting to be here anymore. I'm trapped in a body that is so jacked up bc of a f*cking bug bite(tick) for God's sakes! As far as a "going mad type laugh", I know Ive done it a time or two.
What bothers me MORE though, is that when I do ACTUALLY have a normal laugh come out these days, I find myself saying to myself "wow, that felt good"(bc I can literally feel the little shot of dopamine, or seratonin that the laugh just gave to my brain)... but its just SOOOOO FRKN SADDDD that my life has turned into to where my depression is so bad...that unlike "normal people" who are smiling and laughing pretty much "Daily" in life --ya know, "like we should be doing if only life were normal"....but it lets me know, how much my life has been turned upside down that I may get a giggle/or laugh at 'something', idk, maybe once a darn week, or if that..it feels like. It's a crying shame...smdh. Dammit! I just want to be done SOOOO BAD. I wanted to try some treatment again...but idk, Im just feeling sooo bad these days. I would prefer to do SN method, but Im having trouble locating a source, like ommmmgggg. So idk, Im weighing options today between hanging or using an AR-15(which I pretty much don't know how to use it or ANYTHING! sheesh-smh).
Awe man, why does this have to be so hard.......
[big sigh]
