Venting Do I want to die or do I just not want to live?

[spicerymer]

Since coming on this website and seeing the intricate plans for people's methods, I've had to really think about whether this is actually something I want to do.
I can whole-heartedly say that I would rather be dead than alive, yet if I'm so sure on this then why can I not seem to bring myself to take the first step in CTB?
I've done my research, finalised my method, written my letters and even distanced myself from my family to make sure I can leave uninterrupted.
And yet I spend my days rotting in my bed and scrolling through threads on here rather than buying the equipment I need and actually following through with the only decision I seem to be certain about.
Why can I not bring myself to do anything??

 

[Shadows From Hell]

Ctb is one of the most hardest decisions you will ever make. No one can tell you to live or die, that choice is yours to make, not mine, not Bob, Harry, Sally, or Mary.... The decision is all yours.

If you feel as if you're not ready to ctb, take a step back, reconsider your options, and consider seeking help.

Lots of people would rather be dead, but for one reason or another, they push on to the next day, then the next day.

Hope your days get better.

 

[spicerymer]

Ctb is one of the most hardest decisions you will ever make. No one can tell you to live or die, that choice is yours to make, not mine, not Bob, Harry, Sally, or Mary.... The decision is all yours.

If you feel as if you're not ready to ctb, take a step back, reconsider your options, and consider seeking help.

Lots of people would rather be dead, but for one reason or another, they push on to the next day, then the next day.

Hope your days get better.

Thank you for the response.
i just don't know if there's anything that can help at this point. I've tried SSRIs but they just make me so anxious to the point where I can't bear to even leave my room, I've tried speaking about it too. My mum is a therapist so she would be able to give advice if she knew what to do but even she hasn't been able to help.
I just feel so lost and every day gives me less and less hope of having a future. I don't know what to do.
Sorry if this is a bit much to dump on you, don't feel the need to reply

 

[Shadows From Hell]

Sometimes finding the right person to talk to takes a while. Not everyone is, or will be in the same mind frame you are.

Maybe the person you need to vent to to help you come to terms with your decisions, is on this site. Maybe that person is the next town over... You'll never know.

I know a lot of folks here are in the same boat regarding your situation, or have the same thought process you do.

I find this site relaxing in a way. Even though I'll read the methods, or read what others(such as you) are going through, and it takes my mind off my own issues.

 

[spicerymer]

Sometimes finding the right person to talk to takes a while. Not everyone is, or will be in the same mind frame you are.

Maybe the person you need to vent to to help you come to terms with your decisions, is on this site. Maybe that person is the next town over... You'll never know.

I know a lot of folks here are in the same boat regarding your situation, or have the same thought process you do.

I find this site relaxing in a way. Even though I'll read the methods, or read what others(such as you) are going through, and it takes my mind off my own issues.

I was really conflicted about this site at first. I just couldn't see how this would be beneficial to anyone because I've just always been fed the idea that suicide is bad and that there's always a way out. But although I haven't been on here long, I've read such incredible stories about people's suffering and their efforts to stay alive and realised that sometimes CTB is the best option for some people.
It's been so relieving to know that there are people who feel the same as me. Who have the same all-consuming negative outlook that to others may be deemed as selfish or ungrateful, but it's just the way we're wired.
I'm trying to carry on, I'm gonna give myself some time to speak to more people on here and see whether feeling less alone will make life easier or even worthwhile.

 

[keat6890]

I don't want to live, but i don't have enough courage to kill myself, i need someone to encourage me

 

[SVEN]

I believe the Header to this thread brings the quandry faced by many members into focus. We don't wish to live, yet find facing the reality of carrying out that act of ctb equally challenging.

 

[LostLily]

I don't want to exist if that makes sense. Because existing to me feels too tiring and pointless.

 

[JUST PAIN]

I don't want to live, nor do I want to die.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's like a lot of things in life sadly. Many of us may think the view atop Mount Everest would be pretty stunning but, how many of us would be willing to climb it, risk injury and frostbite to see it?

CTB involves a degree of risk. It's only natural to feel apprehensive about it. I think passive ideation is very different to active ideation. I'm not so sure fear around the whole thing necessarily means we don't want it as an end result but, we might not want it enough to risk the process of trying to achieve it.

 

[spicerymer]

I don't want to live, but i don't have enough courage to kill myself, i need someone to encourage me

I think your lack of 'courage' is a good sign. Something is telling you to live and there is no one on this earth who should be able to convince you that you 'should or shouldn't' die except yourself.

I think it's like a lot of things in life sadly. Many of us may think the view atop Mount Everest would be pretty stunning but, how many of us would be willing to climb it, risk injury and frostbite to see it?

CTB involves a degree of risk. It's only natural to feel apprehensive about it. I think passive ideation is very different to active ideation. I'm not so sure fear around the whole thing necessarily means we don't want it as an end result but, we might not want it enough to risk the process of trying to achieve it.

Very well put.
I guess it truly is subjective to the individual. There are some who are willing to take the risk of climbing Everest and there are some who are willing to take the risk of attempting to CTB.
I guess the slight difference in apprehension is the lack of guarantee behind CTB. I know that if I successfully climb Everest there will be a beautiful view, the risk is the journey. However, although I'm not religious, I still worry that there won't just be an equivalent of an eternal slumber when I die, but rather hell or reincarnation. Although whilst saying that, if there was the guarantee of eternal slumber, I'm still not sure I would have the courage to go through with it.
I wish there was just a small pill that would guarantee a painless death, but alas.

 

[keat6890]

I think your lack of 'courage' is a good sign. Something is telling you to live and there is no one on this earth who should be able to convince you that you 'should or shouldn't' die except yourself.

Very well put.
I guess it truly is subjective to the individual. There are some who are willing to take the risk of climbing Everest and there are some who are willing to take the risk of attempting to CTB.
I guess the slight difference in apprehension is the lack of guarantee behind CTB. I know that if I successfully climb Everest there will be a beautiful view, the risk is the journey. However, although I'm not religious, I still worry that there won't just be an equivalent of an eternal slumber when I die, but rather hell or reincarnation. Although whilst saying that, if there was the guarantee of eternal slumber, I'm still not sure I would have the courage to go through with it.
I wish there was just a small pill that would guarantee a painless death, but alas.

I agree with you when you say that nobody can tell me whether or not to kill myself, but i Just need the courage. I really don't wnat to live, i hate to live, i hate life in general, but i'm afraid about suicide, I think it's the survival instinct