Venting Do I want to die or do I crave a better life with better circumstances

[eaturdirt]

I feel that if I was properly loved, my life would be much better. If I actually had friends who also paid interest in me and who wanted to hang out with me, that I'd feel beter. If I didn't have autism and borderline, that I would have a better shot at life. But sadly it isn't like that for me. I've tried dating apps and I do get a lot of swipes, but actually connecting with the other person is so hard. Nowadays nobody seems to care about others feelings and I get or fully ignored, or they talk to me so dryly that I can't keep the conversation going. Why are you even on a dating app if you're not looking to genuinely date people? It's so confusing to me. Same goes for friendships, I put a lot of effort into them and I never receive the same effort back. I am always the one to ask to hangout and I have like three friends. Making new friends is extremely hard because people also just ignore me or nearly don't even engage in a conversation with me. I wish I was loved, liked and appreciated for once, I wish I had things to do with people my age, I wish I was in a happy romantic relationship, I wish I wasn't mentally ill. I'm so mentally ill that it affects me every day. I just wish I was normal.

 

[N33dT0D13]

I also have autism and likely borderline given my therapist mentioning my borderline traits... I do have people that care, that love me... I hate that I still want more. I hate myself for feeling so greedy for affection and validation.