Venting Do I wait or take my chance? [SN]

[trynacbt]

OK, OK, I know what you're thinking:

Another SN thread?????

I know....
I'm sorry.

Thing is, the universe threw a wrench into my plans and I've had to move my ctb date 3 weeks back. Essentially, my family is looking to move into a larger apartment and I've been waiting for this to happen so that I can attempt with SN, for less of a chance at being found early.

I've been feeling very suicidal, to the point where the thought of waiting for those extra 3 weeks brings me pain. I'm considering just doing it in the apartment we're in now. Problem is, there are two bedrooms and they're right next to each other. So it would be a much greater risk.

I know the choice is ultimately mine, and I know nobody here can tell me whether or not I'll be heard/stopped if I do it, but I guess I just wanted to put my thoughts out there and talk about it. I know that ctb'ing requires careful planning and being methodical, and I know it would be safest to wait until after the move. But I'm getting really impatient and part of me just wants to take things into my own hands.

 

[*KNAZ*]

I guess another option would be to find somewhere away from home to do it?

 

[trynacbt]

I guess another option would be to find somewhere away from home to do it?

That would be ideal, but unfortunately I have no way of doing that at the moment. My dad is pretty much eyeing me like a hawk following my mother's ctb earlier this year...

 

[*KNAZ*]

Sorry to hear that. Nothing worse than feeling like you are under surveillance. Wish I had some viable options for you. Nothing on Uni property like a study room or isolated corner of library or? Hotel room?

 

[trynacbt]

Sorry to hear that. Nothing worse than feeling like you are under surveillance. Wish I had some viable options for you. Nothing on Uni property like a study room or isolated corner of library or? Hotel room?

Unfortunately no, I've graduated already and am back home. I'd need a damn good excuse for a hotel room, can't think of one...

 

[*KNAZ*]

Unfortunately no, I've graduated already and am back home. I'd need a damn good excuse for a hotel room, can't think of one...

Unless you just disappeared and got your own hotel room in another town? You'd have time to do your exit before anyone would come close to finding you. Trying to think outside the box for you.

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

Does your dad ever leave you home alone? Like to work or get groceries?

 

[Stan]

You mentioned the planning and the method. If you have all the items then you have achieved a lot of your plan already. However the plan needs to also include you not being caught once you drunk the SN. I know and completely empathise with waiting for the day to arrive. i am in that very same boat. It comes with it's own level of frustration. I would say this as a casual bystander though, if your family is moving to a new apartment, if you have a good relationship with them, I would consider doing it in your current apartment and let them leave the bad memories behind as they move to a new place. That is not an instruction or giving you some kind of permission to do it now, but it is a thought.

 

[Hunter100]

That would be ideal, but unfortunately I have no way of doing that at the moment. My dad is pretty much eyeing me like a hawk following my mother's ctb earlier this year...

If you don't mind talking about it, how did your mom CTB? Was it a total shock to you and the family or were there signs? How did it effect you and is that why you also want to follow her?



I am only asking because I have a little girl. I am not asking to upset you in any way. If you would like to pm me instead of answering on this thread, that would be great. Id like to talk to you about your post also. Hope your doing ok tonight, or as well as any of us can hope to feel.

 

[bigj75]

I do hotel for situation like this but understand you don't have that option. I would just wait to do it 3 weeks back. if you get caught everything is done for.

 

[trynacbt]

Does your dad ever leave you home alone? Like to work or get groceries?

Yes. I've been able to get the materials I need without anything arriving at our home.

You mentioned the planning and the method. If you have all the items then you have achieved a lot of your plan already. However the plan needs to also include you not being caught once you drunk the SN. I know and completely empathise with waiting for the day to arrive. i am in that very same boat. It comes with it's own level of frustration. I would say this as a casual bystander though, if your family is moving to a new apartment, if you have a good relationship with them, I would consider doing it in your current apartment and let them leave the bad memories behind as they move to a new place. That is not an instruction or giving you some kind of permission to do it now, but it is a thought.

Thank you so much, Stan. Yes, I definitely thought about this as well. And in fact now I'm up late, unable to sleep, and I've been moving around the living room and no one has stirred. So I'm thinking my chances might be good here.

If you don't mind talking about it, how did your mom CTB? Was it a total shock to you and the family or were there signs? How did it effect you and is that why you also want to follow her?



I am only asking because I have a little girl. I am not asking to upset you in any way. If you would like to pm me instead of answering on this thread, that would be great. Id like to talk to you about your post also. Hope your doing ok tonight, or as well as any of us can hope to feel.

I'll PM you! Thank you

 

[trynacbt]

Unless you just disappeared and got your own hotel room in another town? You'd have time to do your exit before anyone would come close to finding you. Trying to think outside the box for you.

Thank you for the ideas x Unfortunately if I were to disappear my family would call the cops and I think things would get out of hand...

 

[trynacbt]

So I've pretty much decided I'm going to go for it, once I'm ready in a couple of weeks.

I want to do my best to make it possible for my loved ones not to see my body. I'm thinking of locking the door to my bedroom (with the excuse that if it isn't locked, the door often opens and bangs shut). I'll program text messages to arrive on my loved ones' phones the following morning, telling them what I did, gently, that I've left behind letters for them inside, and asking that they call the police and a locksmith so they don't have to see me.

Any thoughts/advice on potential mishaps appreciated!

 

[*KNAZ*]

So I've pretty much decided I'm going to go for it, once I'm ready in a couple of weeks.

I want to do my best to make it possible for my loved ones not to see my body. I'm thinking of locking the door to my bedroom (with the excuse that if it isn't locked, the door often opens and bangs shut). I'll program text messages to arrive on my loved ones' phones the following morning, telling them what I did, gently, that I've left behind letters for them inside, and asking that they call the police and a locksmith so they don't have to see me.

Any thoughts/advice on potential mishaps appreciated!

I think this is a thoughtful and kind way to do things. Good thinking! What are chances they could be banging on the door if you don't immediately answer? Not sure what your living situation is as far as how much privacy you have or can expect. Are chances good that you will be left undisturbed for long enough time?

 

[trynacbt]

I think this is a thoughtful and kind way to do things. Good thinking! What are chances they could be banging on the door if you don't immediately answer? Not sure what your living situation is as far as how much privacy you have or can expect. Are chances good that you will be left undisturbed for long enough time?

Thank you so much. It really, really helps that you think so. As long as they don't come to my room in the middle of the night and try to get in, I should be good, i.e. as long as they sleep through the night basically. I don't see why they would try to get in. There's always the possibility that this could happen, but my hope is that they would assume I am asleep and just go back to bed.

Today, I tested this by sleeping with the door locked. In the morning my sister was trying to get in and my dad was visibly worried that I had locked the door. I explained that it was because the door had been opening and closing.They seemed to be okay with that response...

 

[Stan]

I hope it works out for you, as said above, you have put as much thought as you can under your restraints to make it as easy as possible and you are admired for that.

 

[*KNAZ*]

Thank you so much. It really, really helps that you think so. As long as they don't come to my room in the middle of the night and try to get in, I should be good, i.e. as long as they sleep through the night basically. I don't see why they would try to get in. There's always the possibility that this could happen, but my hope is that they would assume I am asleep and just go back to bed.

Today, I tested this by sleeping with the door locked. In the morning my sister was trying to get in and my dad was visibly worried that I had locked the door. I explained that it was because the door had been opening and closing.They seemed to be okay with that response...

Sounds like you did your homework and locking door is ok. Was going to suggest that if that didn't work, to make some hot cocoa for your family and put some sleeping pills in it so they fall asleep and don't disturb you. JUST KIDDING! Don't actually do that. Just some gallows humor

Your dad was the one who was watching you I believe you said. And your family is moving in two weeks? .

 

[sleepy dog]

This really seems like a Shawn Shatto situation again. Have you planned for failure? Will you delete traces of online help you received?

 

[develish]

I hope you somehow find the inner peace you deserve

 

[Stan]

This really seems like a Shawn Shatto situation again. Have you planned for failure? Will you delete traces of online help you received?

That's actually a good point and observation

 

[trynacbt]

Sounds like you did your homework and locking door is ok. Was going to suggest that if that didn't work, to make some hot cocoa for your family and put some sleeping pills in it so they fall asleep and don't disturb you. JUST KIDDING! Don't actually do that. Just some gallows humor

Your dad was the one who was watching you I believe you said. And your family is moving in two weeks? .

Omg, is that really a joke? Because I could see myself doing that, honestly. The only thing would be how to pulverize the pills so that they didn't notice. But that could totally fly.

Yes, he's the more worried one, although my sister also lives in the apartment. We'd be moving probably in about a month's time.

This really seems like a Shawn Shatto situation again. Have you planned for failure? Will you delete traces of online help you received?

Yeah, definitely. I'm going to wipe my computer clean of all history/cookies. I was planning on using my phone for any last posting. My family members don't know my password and either way, I would also close out of any tabs on there.

Have I planned for failure? Well... that one's tricky. The only failure I can think of is one of my family members getting up and trying to open the door, potentially freaking out (though I don't see why they would have reason to, provided that I weren't being very loud), and getting someone to open it in the middle of the process.

I don't see this as very likely because my dad is hard of hearing so I doubt he would be suspicious of anything. And my sister knows I like to lock the door so I don't see why she would sound an alarm.

That being said, if you can think of anything that might go wrong, I'm all ears. Trying to cover all my bases.

 

[*KNAZ*]

Omg, is that really a joke? Because I could see myself doing that, honestly. The only thing would be how to pulverize the pills so that they didn't notice. But that could totally fly.

Yes, he's the more worried one, although my sister also lives in the apartment. We'd be moving probably in about a month's time.


Yeah, definitely. I'm going to wipe my computer clean of all history/cookies. I was planning on using my phone for any last posting. My family members don't know my password and either way, I would also close out of any tabs on there.

Have I planned for failure? Well... that one's tricky. The only failure I can think of is one of my family members getting up and trying to open the door, potentially freaking out (though I don't see why they would have reason to, provided that I weren't being very loud), and getting someone to open it in the middle of the process.

I don't see this as very likely because my dad is hard of hearing so I doubt he would be suspicious of anything. And my sister knows I like to lock the door so I don't see why she would sound an alarm.

That being said, if you can think of anything that might go wrong, I'm all ears. Trying to cover all my bases.

Please don't actually do that. I was joking and it was not a serious suggestion.

 

[trynacbt]

Please don't actually do that. I was joking and it was not a serious suggestion.

Got it. *is embarrassed*

 

[Daniela]

As a fellow Shawn Shatto wannabe (drinking SN with parents sleeping next door), I am really sorry you're going through this AND hoping you keep us up to date. Can you post your planned regimen? Is it hard to abstain from eating in your dad's house?

 

[trynacbt]

As a fellow Shawn Shatto wannabe (drinking SN with parents sleeping next door), I am really sorry you're going through this AND hoping you keep us up to date. Can you post your planned regimen? Is it hard to abstain from eating in your dad's house?

Thank you! I will post my regimen, yes, when the day comes. It shouldn't be too hard as I would only be skipping one meal, since I plan on doing it in the middle of the night.

 

[Neverod]

Man, i'm feeling something similar, my SN was supposed to come 3 days ago, got scammed. Now i'm waiting for it to arrive from another source, and wishing to do it just when it arrives, but i have to wait 2/3 days so i could be alone. I'll do some things that will keep me occupied while those days pass, even if that means sleeping 14/15 hours or more.

Hope you are able to hang on and procced in the best way, cock and balls torture, love <3

 

[Daniela]

Man, i'm feeling something similar, my SN was supposed to come 3 days ago, got scammed.

oh no

May I ask, was it the Eastern European vendor?

 

[Neverod]

oh no

May I ask, was it the Eastern European vendor?

Oh no, i wish, i'm in a shithole, ordered from the same shithole (south america), big mistake.

 

[trynacbt]

How are you coping?

Considering taking Depakote and Fluoxetine (Prozac) again, which I abruptly quit this summer, in the interim until the SN arrives because i'm so desperate I can't take it anymore. Based on what I've read, I don't think it'll affect the SN much. Is it a stupid idea because it won't have an effect until weeks into re-taking them? What else can I do? Apparently the harrowing feeling is normal no matter how dead set one can be. I sadly have 0 access to cannabis. I may try studying (!), taking as much Tynenol as humanly possible, and sleeping during the day.

I honestly don't know.

My biggest struggle right now is the guilt I feel for those I'll leave behind. I'm trying to make it clear to my best friend that I'm at the end of my rope--as clear as possible without outright telling him what I want to do. It's hard. It's really, really hard. He's had suicidal thoughts before and has overcome them to the point that he philosophically believes that anyone who is alive can be a productive member of society and cause good to those around them. I know it's going to devastate him when I do it, and it's eating me up inside. But the alternative--life--still scares me more.

Man, i'm feeling something similar, my SN was supposed to come 3 days ago, got scammed. Now i'm waiting for it to arrive from another source, and wishing to do it just when it arrives, but i have to wait 2/3 days so i could be alone. I'll do some things that will keep me occupied while those days pass, even if that means sleeping 14/15 hours or more.

Hope you are able to hang on and procced in the best way, cock and balls torture, love <3

Lmfao that last line. Thanks, friend.

 

[trynacbt]

Sorry to double post, but does anyone know anything about the possibility of vomiting after one is unconscious, due to acute hypoxia? I heard this may be a possibility but I'm not sure as I haven't seen it be talked about on the forums. I'm worried about the extra amount of noise this could cause.