Redleaf1992
Just leave us the f*ck alone!
- Feb 3, 2024
- 171
Hi everyone
Making this post to get some advice. My psychologist wants to talk about my childhood in upcoming sessions. There's plenty of stuff to talk about but there somthing I'm not sure I should bring up, becuase I don't know/think there is anything actually there.
One of my challenges is confusion around my sexuality. In truth also I have had masochistic tenderises from a young age.
The first time I felt some form of arousal (although I did not understand what is what was back then) was playing with action men figures, where I roleplayed the heroes getting captured by the Villian, where when captured he would shoot his gunge gun over them and I'd get this weird satisfaction to use a yellow highlighter pen to scribble over the figures to represent the gunge.
I kind of find it a little weird and wonder what could have caused the tendencies.
As a kid my parents would struggle with looking after my severely disabled brother, while managing me and my siblings.
My (could have been old) headmaster, who was also a priest (of some kind), and became a family friend and would often help out, by taking me out. It would sometimes be for a walk and to get food for his chickens, on rare occasions he would look after me at his house. Sometimes my little sister would be there also (I guess when she got older).
He was very kind person, I consider him to be the kindest person I've met. That said he did have some problems understanding appropriate boundaries. He would often hold my hand when going places and when talking to my parents at my place he'd have me sit next to him - for like a semi cuddle (can't remember if he had a arm round me or held my hand or anything). I was kind of uncomfortable with this, but nothing traumatising.
Many years later I find out he had been recently arrested for pedophilia. The crime was inspecting a boys genitalia. His defence was that the boy had expressed concern about his genitalia and was inspecting to remove his worry. I'm sure most people would think his defence is ridiculously, but knowing him as the very kind person but a lack of understanding of boundaries I do believe him.
That said I have to accept the story is weird and apparenty the other teachers at the school were wary of him.
Considering I was left alone with at times at his place, I would very much be in a vulnerable position with him.
I remember he had an attic room, which was a kids bedroom (which now I think about doesn't make a ton of sense as his kids were now adults, it could have just been a storage room). I remember him taking me up there, and I played with the toys while his wife made dinner.
What I think I had may have made up after thinking of scenarios after hearing about is arrest; is for some reason being on the bed, like he instructed me or somthing. But I would have no reason to be on it and can't figure it out, it could be a made up memory but somthing about it feels real. I have a second memory of a shadowy figure being over me (while on the bed) but I'm 99percent that is something I made up.
I honestly think nothing happened, and feel bad thinking there may have been towards someone I consider to be the nicest person I met, who was the preist at my brothers funeral, and has been through so much with prison and his own daughter commiting suicide. But then I can't ignore the fact that we are taking about someone who was found guilty of pedophilia, and the postion I was in Im sure would sound bad if telling anyone else.
I don't want to go speaking to my psychologist about somthing that likely didn't happen, just feels like I'm making attention for mysef making shit up. Expescially as there is no way of finding out.
Is it somthing I should bring up?
Making this post to get some advice. My psychologist wants to talk about my childhood in upcoming sessions. There's plenty of stuff to talk about but there somthing I'm not sure I should bring up, becuase I don't know/think there is anything actually there.
One of my challenges is confusion around my sexuality. In truth also I have had masochistic tenderises from a young age.
The first time I felt some form of arousal (although I did not understand what is what was back then) was playing with action men figures, where I roleplayed the heroes getting captured by the Villian, where when captured he would shoot his gunge gun over them and I'd get this weird satisfaction to use a yellow highlighter pen to scribble over the figures to represent the gunge.
I kind of find it a little weird and wonder what could have caused the tendencies.
As a kid my parents would struggle with looking after my severely disabled brother, while managing me and my siblings.
My (could have been old) headmaster, who was also a priest (of some kind), and became a family friend and would often help out, by taking me out. It would sometimes be for a walk and to get food for his chickens, on rare occasions he would look after me at his house. Sometimes my little sister would be there also (I guess when she got older).
He was very kind person, I consider him to be the kindest person I've met. That said he did have some problems understanding appropriate boundaries. He would often hold my hand when going places and when talking to my parents at my place he'd have me sit next to him - for like a semi cuddle (can't remember if he had a arm round me or held my hand or anything). I was kind of uncomfortable with this, but nothing traumatising.
Many years later I find out he had been recently arrested for pedophilia. The crime was inspecting a boys genitalia. His defence was that the boy had expressed concern about his genitalia and was inspecting to remove his worry. I'm sure most people would think his defence is ridiculously, but knowing him as the very kind person but a lack of understanding of boundaries I do believe him.
That said I have to accept the story is weird and apparenty the other teachers at the school were wary of him.
Considering I was left alone with at times at his place, I would very much be in a vulnerable position with him.
I remember he had an attic room, which was a kids bedroom (which now I think about doesn't make a ton of sense as his kids were now adults, it could have just been a storage room). I remember him taking me up there, and I played with the toys while his wife made dinner.
What I think I had may have made up after thinking of scenarios after hearing about is arrest; is for some reason being on the bed, like he instructed me or somthing. But I would have no reason to be on it and can't figure it out, it could be a made up memory but somthing about it feels real. I have a second memory of a shadowy figure being over me (while on the bed) but I'm 99percent that is something I made up.
I honestly think nothing happened, and feel bad thinking there may have been towards someone I consider to be the nicest person I met, who was the preist at my brothers funeral, and has been through so much with prison and his own daughter commiting suicide. But then I can't ignore the fact that we are taking about someone who was found guilty of pedophilia, and the postion I was in Im sure would sound bad if telling anyone else.
I don't want to go speaking to my psychologist about somthing that likely didn't happen, just feels like I'm making attention for mysef making shit up. Expescially as there is no way of finding out.
Is it somthing I should bring up?
