Venting do I rlly wanna die or disappear?

[gummyshark]

I don't know how I feel most of the time, my emotions are so confusing even to myself, I wanna be gone so badly, I don't wanna deal with any of this.

I don't really care about the outcome if I do ctb, i dont care abt what my family would think, or my friends. Maybe that's selfish but im at the point where other peoples feelings don't matter to me.

I don't know if i just wanna die or disappear. Sometimes I wanna end my life but I also just wanna disappear without any trace. Just run away, run away from all my problems and responsibilities, run away from all contact with any other being.

Do I really wanna end my life or just disappear? That question is always stuck in my head.

 

[Holu]

Do you wish to get revenge against life, make a statement to your direct proximity with death, or cause suffering on those who ignored you? Then you want to die.

Do you just want the peace of nothingness without the consequences of what your death may cause? Or just to simply be free of your immediate burdens You want to disappear.

Ofc there are other reasons for both, but I think that's the main gist. Neither one is any more correct than the other, it depends on how life has treated you. Unfortunately we can only fully die, but we can take steps to make it as much of a disappearance as possible.


Okay I misunderstood on first read so this is kinda my correction.

It seems more like your disappearance is running away. In that case, it relates more towards your immediate surroundings and how much pain or suffering they are causing. If you feel life is meaningless and fully of suffering regardless of if you were free of whatever might be distressing you. Then death is more apparent to disappearance.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

For me personally, the only way to really disappear is to ctb. Even if I change my name and move to some remote area, I cannot run from ALL of my problems. And it also won't suddenly give meaning to life (I am a nihilist).

 

[gummyshark]

Do you wish to get revenge against life, make a statement to your direct proximity with death, or cause suffering on those who ignored you? Then you want to die.

Do you just want the peace of nothingness without the consequences of what your death may cause? Or just to simply be free of your immediate burdens You want to disappear.

Ofc there are other reasons for both, but I think that's the main gist. Neither one is any more correct than the other, it depends on how life has treated you. Unfortunately we can only fully die, but we can take steps to make it as much of a disappearance as possible.


Okay I misunderstood on first read so this is kinda my correction.

It seems more like your disappearance is running away. In that case, it relates more towards your immediate surroundings and how much pain or suffering they are causing. If you feel life is meaningless and fully of suffering regardless of if you were free of whatever might be distressing you. Then death is more apparent to disappearance.

I know the way I wrote about disappearing was more of 'running away' type of disappearing but I also wish to just kinda vanish? Idk. It's not possible but I just wish I could disintegrate into nothing.

I wanna cause suffering on those who mistreated me but at the same time I want the peace of nothingness. I'm not sure which is more desired.

I wanna end my life, I wanna feel in control. I want those people to know how much I suffered but I also just wanna disappear without anyone noticing, probably not even remember me.

I'm not sure what I want. I'm never sure of my wants and desires. These things are sometimes complicating.

For me personally, the only way to really disappear is to ctb. Even if I change my name and move to some remote area, I cannot run from ALL of my problems. And it also won't suddenly give meaning to life (I am a nihilist).

you're right. Although I rlly js wanna disappear not by running away but vanishing. I don't want anyone to remember me or even notice that i disappeared. I want everything to be as it is, just without me. None of this would be possible tho.

 

[Holu]

I know the way I wrote about disappearing was more of 'running away' type of disappearing but I also wish to just kinda vanish? Idk. It's not possible but I just wish I could disintegrate into nothing.

I wanna cause suffering on those who mistreated me but at the same time I want the peace of nothingness. I'm not sure which is more desired.

I wanna end my life, I wanna feel in control. I want those people to know how much I suffered but I also just wanna disappear without anyone noticing, probably not even remember me.

I'm not sure what I want. I'm never sure of my wants and desires. These things are sometimes complicating.

you're right. Although I rlly js wanna disappear not by running away but vanishing. I don't want anyone to remember me or even notice that i disappeared. I want everything to be as it is, just without me. None of this would be possible tho.

It's ultimately up to you. You may never know which you want, and in the case you're worried you will be unsure to the end, then why not operate by working backwards. If you had to pick a method which seems the least painful and easiest, what would it be. If it's something that's going to be public that's your answer on what you should go for. If private then go with that. Depending on if that feels wrong still you could make adjustments accordingly. Worse case you swap it later. Put urself before others in this situation, be selfish, it's your life and death.

 

[justkatie]

All I can say if for me, I just want to stop having an unhappy and unpleasant life.

I'm torn to the answer to your question.
If I could die today and nobody would know I ever existed I would jump at that chance.

But knowing I would have a major negative reaction to several key people to my life by being ctb, makes it even harder to give up.
I'm not a great person, but I know I have had several major positive effects of people in my life, that I know they would he devastated by me ending things would cause a major upset in their life holds me back.

 

[gummyshark]

It's ultimately up to you. You may never know which you want, and in the case you're worried you will be unsure to the end, then why not operate by working backwards. If you had to pick a method which seems the least painful and easiest, what would it be. If it's something that's going to be public that's your answer on what you should go for. If private then go with that. Depending on if that feels wrong still you could make adjustments accordingly. Worse case you swap it later. Put urself before others in this situation, be selfish, it's your life and death.

I guess ctb is an easier version of running away from everything. I think I understand what I truly want now. Thank you

All I can say if for me, I just want to stop having an unhappy and unpleasant life.

I'm torn to the answer to your question.
If I could die today and nobody would know I ever existed I would jump at that chance.

But knowing I would have a major negative reaction to several key people to my life by being ctb, makes it even harder to give up.
I'm not a great person, but I know I have had several major positive effects of people in my life, that I know they would he devastated by me ending things would cause a major upset in their life holds me back.

I understand, I used to be like that. It's hard when you just want to end the miserableness you're living in but you know it'll negatively impact everyone else's life.

The more I thought abt it, the more I felt guilty and miserable. I started to not care after a while and started to put myself over others in this type of situation.

Death happens to everyone eventually and will negatively impact almost anyone so it's nothing the more you think about it.

 

[Holu]

I guess ctb is an easier version of running away from everything. I think I understand what I truly want now. Thank you

Me glad help. Here pictor of my shork.

 

[Throwawaysoul]

I've been struggling with this myself I wanna die or disappear. I've tried drastically moving, to the point of almost disappearing and it hasn't helped so I think dying is the next best thing.

 

[gummyshark]

Me glad help. Here pictor of my shork.

View attachment 149020

shorkkkk :00

I've been struggling with this myself I wanna die or disappear. I've tried drastically moving, to the point of almost disappearing and it hasn't helped so I think dying is the next best thing.

yep, dying is pretty much the easiest option out of all the others.