watashiwastar
final smile
- Aug 20, 2024
- 20
sometimes i don't feel worthy of deserving anything. i don't deserve people who stay with me and remain patient with what is a stain on life. i am so tired, useless, and fragile, that i don't deserve to have any effort used on me.
at the same time, i deserve all these things that could make my life a little easier, but i just don't get them no matter how hard i try. i don't get people enough time to hang out with me, or kind people that don't heighten my anxiety every day. i deserve all these things, and yet the world does not give them to me.
rationally, it's probably a lie that i don't deserve anything. many people are told to fend for themselves because they don't deserve anything in a world that is ultimately cruel and unforgiving. the reality is that these people deserve so much but receive so little because of the nature of life.
but in the mean time i guess, i cope with the idea that i don't deserve anything. this idea allows me to recognise a solution - either through working myself to the bone to become more likeable, or to get rid of myself all together.
i keep switching between the idea of "deserving things i don't yet have" and "not deserving anything at all". this cycle is what traps me in a limbo which makes suicide look more and more appealing as a solution to this cycle.
at the same time, i deserve all these things that could make my life a little easier, but i just don't get them no matter how hard i try. i don't get people enough time to hang out with me, or kind people that don't heighten my anxiety every day. i deserve all these things, and yet the world does not give them to me.
rationally, it's probably a lie that i don't deserve anything. many people are told to fend for themselves because they don't deserve anything in a world that is ultimately cruel and unforgiving. the reality is that these people deserve so much but receive so little because of the nature of life.
but in the mean time i guess, i cope with the idea that i don't deserve anything. this idea allows me to recognise a solution - either through working myself to the bone to become more likeable, or to get rid of myself all together.
i keep switching between the idea of "deserving things i don't yet have" and "not deserving anything at all". this cycle is what traps me in a limbo which makes suicide look more and more appealing as a solution to this cycle.
