Venting Do I even deserve to live?

[InaudibleEcho]

My self image fluctuates a lot. Just last night I was thinking that I was some kind of god above everyone else that nobody understands. I thought I was the most mature and moral person. I feel like that a lot. But then I have times where I feel like the worst person ever and I have some pretty valid reasons.
I think I might grow up to be a killer or abuser if I let myself live. I don't really see other people as people. I grew up without a lot of human interaction so I don't feel like I'm even the same species.
I think people are gross and ugly and the only reason I talk to them is because I'd die without social interaction. I villainize anyone with different morals or opinions and multiple times I've thought "there are some people so terrible they don't deserve to live". If I could, with no consequences, kill people, I know who I'd like to target. That's kind of scary. Maybe I just need to die to protect the world.
And then there's the one. My lover from another world. I've fantasized about abusing him and him abusing me. I said it before, it's a fantasy of mine to kill him and then kill myself. The image of his beautiful face with pained and fearful eyes makes me feel something. It makes me feel power or control. But I love him. I need him. I need him and I'd let him do the same to me.
I think these are all glaring signs that it's my destiny to hurt people. I feel like I've been gradually meaner and colder to people. I'd be scared of myself if I knew how to feel. But I just feel numb. It'll probably be better if I just CTB.

 

[MrDarkness]

I see your very emotional in your posts, do you have bpd or bipolar? Cause it's very normal to think your high and mighty and then so lowly you wish you could die, I hope life becomes better for you

 

[InaudibleEcho]

I see your very emotional in your posts, do you have bpd or bipolar? Cause it's very normal to think your high and mighty and then so lowly you wish you could die, I hope life becomes better for you

I'm not diagnosed with anything except general depression but I've considered BPD. I'm just not sure tho because I've never had a favorite person (that exists in this reality) and I've never considered bipolar. I'll definitely look into it though.

 

[dreamscape1111]

You are an indispensable part of Reality, the Universe wants to experience Itself through all possible POVs, it would be incomplete without you!

Every piece of a vase fits perfectly, every puzzle piece its place, Existence Loves you exactly as you are, unconditionally, it's not a question of deserving.

Nothing is ever wrong, everything just is.

Let the mind tell its stories, don't engage in them. You are the watcher, unaffected by any of its bullshit.

Love yourself into wholeness, because Reality would be incomplete without you. Love. Peace. Blessings. Hugs.

 

[Pluto]

You do have a lot of insight and self-awareness. The really dangerous people are those who have no insight into themselves and no conscience about harming others. That's the critical difference between intrusive thoughts and actual Dark Triad behaviour.

I definitely relate to the fluctuating self-image part. I lacked interaction growing up, too. I sometimes feel jealousy for normies who can connect effortlessly. Sometimes I feel condescending, other times I feel worthless. But I never feel like one of them.

 

[enough of this]

My self image fluctuates a lot. Just last night I was thinking that I was some kind of god above everyone else that nobody understands. I thought I was the most mature and moral person. I feel like that a lot. But then I have times where I feel like the worst person ever and I have some pretty valid reasons.
I think I might grow up to be a killer or abuser if I let myself live. I don't really see other people as people. I grew up without a lot of human interaction so I don't feel like I'm even the same species.
I think people are gross and ugly and the only reason I talk to them is because I'd die without social interaction. I villainize anyone with different morals or opinions and multiple times I've thought "there are some people so terrible they don't deserve to live". If I could, with no consequences, kill people, I know who I'd like to target. That's kind of scary. Maybe I just need to die to protect the world.
And then there's the one. My lover from another world. I've fantasized about abusing him and him abusing me. I said it before, it's a fantasy of mine to kill him and then kill myself. The image of his beautiful face with pained and fearful eyes makes me feel something. It makes me feel power or control. But I love him. I need him. I need him and I'd let him do the same to me.
I think these are all glaring signs that it's my destiny to hurt people. I feel like I've been gradually meaner and colder to people. I'd be scared of myself if I knew how to feel. But I just feel numb. It'll probably be better if I just CTB.

"I grew up without a lot of human interaction so I don't feel like I'm even the same species." OMG, I can relate to that so well.
If you really want to be a killer, somehow I don't think you'd be talking about it. But, I could be wrong.

And yes, you deserve to live.

 

[MrDarkness]

I'm not diagnosed with anything except general depression but I've considered BPD. I'm just not sure tho because I've never had a favorite person (that exists in this reality) and I've never considered bipolar. I'll definitely look into it though.

I know the last thing you need to hear is being more positive, just try to take care of yourself okay, you seem like you got a big heart