Venting Do I deserve to feel "better"?

[Praestat_Mori]

It's so weird that I'm feeling much better than when I joined here although my personal situation that makes me want to CTB didn't change at all and probably will not become better anyway. I still feel like being a big failure not being able to recover from the failure of a life time. It's just a question of time when I will be hit hard again and I don't think that I should feel that good right now. That was always a bad sign in the past years. It sucks. I don't think I deserve to feel better unless the whole situation becomes better. I don't know.

 

[Holu]

I personally subscribe to the hedonic treadmill theory, in which happiness/mood has an almost homeostatic range that it constantly returns to. As such, when you're feeling significantly worse, you might find yourself finally joining a community like SaSu. However, as your mood goes from "significantly worse" to your default level(which for the people on this site is still suffering) then your going to see an obvious mood improvement since naturally it's not going to be as severe as the first few days you joined this site while under immense suffering.

As for your guilt, you have liked me back to enough of my posts that Ik you have seen others feel similarly. It's almost natural to feel like you should be doing better, yet not having the strength or motivation to reach it. Ik the guilt won't stop, but please, be more gentle before you bash yourself for these things. Regardless of what you think you are still very much suffering, and I hope that if the world isn't giving you kindness, then maybe you would be willing to show yourself just a little.

I'm not sure if recovery is your goal, but if it is then no stress. It will take time to elevators your mood from your current range. Just keep faith and we will be here to offer what support we can.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

It's so weird that I'm feeling much better than when I joined here although my personal situation that makes me want to CTB didn't change at all and probably will not become better anyway. I still feel like being a big failure not being able to recover from the failure of a life time. It's just a question of time when I will be hit hard again and I don't think that I should feel that good right now. That was always a bad sign in the past years. It sucks. I don't think I deserve to feel better unless the whole situation becomes better. I don't know.

You deserve to be happy. Point-blank, PERIOD.

To add on to that (this is assuming you see recovery as an option), feeling better while the situation is still bad, is actually a GOOD thing, at least in my experience. It's happened to me. It might be happening to me now that I joined SS, as well.

If you feel better, even during the same situation that made you feel bad in the first place, your mind may become clearer. It did for me, and I was able to look at things objectively.

"Okay, so I feel better now. This is my situation, how can I find a way out of this?" Plan ahead before you feel bad again (and I don't mean to CTB, I'm referring to recovery)!

I don't know your exact situation, so that's all I've got, but always open to chat.

TL;DR:
Use the good feeling to your advantage. Plan ahead, now that your head may be clearer, it may be easier to see things objectively and see a "light at the tunnel" instead of feeling as stuck as before.

Look at your situation, and think of any options you may have to escape. Now that you feel better, you may find some options that were "hidden" before!

Good luck with wherever your life goes. <3

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

in the simple sense of the word 'deserve', of course you do. i've seen countless posts of you trying to help others and you seem like a great guy. but i don't think this is what you're asking. must just be an odd feeling. maybe you are just slightly uncomfortable because the old moods can return?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do know what you mean. I think those of us who experience fluctuations in our mood are worried during better times in case they are the calm before the storm. Maybe it's wise to be aware of this- so that it doesn't come as such a shock if there is a rough patch ahead. In terms of what you 'deserve' though. Nah- don't feel like you need to earn it. Plenty of people likely feel 'ok' most days without really earning it.

I guess the ideal would be that you continue to feel good- better even and you build up enough strength to take action to change your life. Of course- to get to that point, you have to feel resilient enough that you can cope with any knocks that come along.

I guess maybe a reserved peacefulness that you feel slightly better is perhaps best. Enjoy the feeling. Just depends on what you want to do though. If you do want to try going for jobs etc. maybe you need to not focus so much on your mood and how precious/ delicate it is because it will likely make you too afraid of spoiling it if you meet with difficulties. I think you would need to be able to accept that your mood is likely to join a rollercoaster again if you start going for jobs etc.

Not that I've ever mastered this but: 'If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two imposters just the same... Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it...' Rudyard Kipling. I wish I could do it but it does make sense. I hope you continue to feel stronger.

 

[CW36]

It's so weird that I'm feeling much better than when I joined here although my personal situation that makes me want to CTB didn't change at all and probably will not become better anyway. I still feel like being a big failure not being able to recover from the failure of a life time. It's just a question of time when I will be hit hard again and I don't think that I should feel that good right now. That was always a bad sign in the past years. It sucks. I don't think I deserve to feel better unless the whole situation becomes better. I don't know.

Feeling unworthy and undeserving is a manifestation of humbleness, thereby being a positive in itself. Failure is subjective, and by what you've said before, your failure is another's success. Are you not wanting to feel better then?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

@Holu Thx for your kind words! I just don't see away to really recover in the way I want it to be,at least not right now. All options are there.

@CTBookOfLife Thanks for your kind words as well.

maybe you are just slightly uncomfortable because the old moods can return?

yes the old moods can return so easily, that's what I'm dreading. And also thx for your kind words.

@Forever Sleep Also thanks for your kind words! I think I'd need to jump over my own shadow and have believes in me.

@CW36 Thanks for your kind words.