BigTimeLoser
Grew screwed, so I screw up everything
- Mar 6, 2026
- 18
Welp, the moment I was waiting, divorce letter.
I did not want the love of my life to have to carry the burden of arranging whatever happens to me after I CTB.
I have no excuses now, I have been showing to work, and carrying a miserable life inside while pretending like always did. Listening music, reading depressing books, going to therapy just to confirm I am fucked since a child, taking my pills for depression, ADHD.
I have no meaning, just a deep pain in my soul, I have no strenght to be better for me.
I have deep shame on many things that happened to me, and I regret not having the strenght to be better when it was time. I never developed anger. I got here because I didn't knew how to ask for help. But when you never learned to care for yourself, there is no way to show weakness or vulnerability.
I am fully broken, and finally the last tie to my family is underway to be cut.
I will miss droving while listening to music, feel the breeze, feel the grass and sand in my toes. Watch the sunrise and the sunset. I will miss cooking, I will miss fooling around. I will miss my mom and dad, my brothers and their children. I will forever miss the person I was despite my pain, and the person I could never was but dreamt about. I will miss watching my stepson grow, and my wife, my beautiful wife. I will miss her laughter, I will miss her determination, her courage, and her independence. I will miss those conversations until midnight, laughing and smiling until our cheeks and stomach hurted. I will miss that glass of wine, while getting ready to go out together. I will miss her little hands. I will miss us dancing. I will miss knowing new places with her, and will miss learning things together. I will definitely miss getting older with her.
I wanted to experience my skin wrinkle, and my hair to go missing or gray. To be true, I will miss life. But I will not be missing a life without them, knowing I failed them. I will not miss feeling miserable, feeling alien, I will not miss my over sensitive emotions of sadness or incompetence. I will not miss taking pills to be a bit "normal". I will not miss the shame, and constant hurting internal monologue. I will not miss being unfit, and feeling uncapable of holding anything. I will not miss the constant masking, the loneliness even when not alone. I will not miss anxiety, insomnia or exhaustion. I will not miss that emptiness inside. I will not miss my compulsion to read everybody in the room, the constant rumination, I will not miss to make me small or neglect myself.
I wanted to CTB on monoxide poisoning. But I think I'll just hang myself.
I did not want the love of my life to have to carry the burden of arranging whatever happens to me after I CTB.
I have no excuses now, I have been showing to work, and carrying a miserable life inside while pretending like always did. Listening music, reading depressing books, going to therapy just to confirm I am fucked since a child, taking my pills for depression, ADHD.
I have no meaning, just a deep pain in my soul, I have no strenght to be better for me.
I have deep shame on many things that happened to me, and I regret not having the strenght to be better when it was time. I never developed anger. I got here because I didn't knew how to ask for help. But when you never learned to care for yourself, there is no way to show weakness or vulnerability.
I am fully broken, and finally the last tie to my family is underway to be cut.
I will miss droving while listening to music, feel the breeze, feel the grass and sand in my toes. Watch the sunrise and the sunset. I will miss cooking, I will miss fooling around. I will miss my mom and dad, my brothers and their children. I will forever miss the person I was despite my pain, and the person I could never was but dreamt about. I will miss watching my stepson grow, and my wife, my beautiful wife. I will miss her laughter, I will miss her determination, her courage, and her independence. I will miss those conversations until midnight, laughing and smiling until our cheeks and stomach hurted. I will miss that glass of wine, while getting ready to go out together. I will miss her little hands. I will miss us dancing. I will miss knowing new places with her, and will miss learning things together. I will definitely miss getting older with her.
I wanted to experience my skin wrinkle, and my hair to go missing or gray. To be true, I will miss life. But I will not be missing a life without them, knowing I failed them. I will not miss feeling miserable, feeling alien, I will not miss my over sensitive emotions of sadness or incompetence. I will not miss taking pills to be a bit "normal". I will not miss the shame, and constant hurting internal monologue. I will not miss being unfit, and feeling uncapable of holding anything. I will not miss the constant masking, the loneliness even when not alone. I will not miss anxiety, insomnia or exhaustion. I will not miss that emptiness inside. I will not miss my compulsion to read everybody in the room, the constant rumination, I will not miss to make me small or neglect myself.
I wanted to CTB on monoxide poisoning. But I think I'll just hang myself.
