http-410
nowhere
- Sep 12, 2020
- 1,043
I am so alienated from my body and my identity. Apart from seeing myself as a stranger in the mirror, there are times when my body no longer obeys me. It is as if the autopilot of a spaceship is malfunctioning. This includes going around aimlessly outdoors (for example) or doing things even though there is no reason to. I see what I'm doing, but I have little or no control over it. My will then does not exist, I just let it happen. If I try to suppress it, it will only get worse. Sometimes it feels like an internal struggle, and it tears me apart.
Even though I know who I am per se (my name, height, age etc.), it doesn't feel that way or that the human behind these numbers and letters is no longer existent.
I became an abyss, a void, a black hole.
I think this is the state I need to break out of this nightmare. It's not me who kills themselves, it's someone else, isn't it? This state itself is reason enough to kill myself, and I hope this broken autopilot will let me crash and burn into the next atmosphere. Becoming a shooting star doesn't sound so bad.
Besides death, I just wish for a severe blow to the head right now so that I don't have to deal with my non-existence while being conscious.
Are there people who experience similar dissociative phenomena?
Even though I know who I am per se (my name, height, age etc.), it doesn't feel that way or that the human behind these numbers and letters is no longer existent.
I became an abyss, a void, a black hole.
I think this is the state I need to break out of this nightmare. It's not me who kills themselves, it's someone else, isn't it? This state itself is reason enough to kill myself, and I hope this broken autopilot will let me crash and burn into the next atmosphere. Becoming a shooting star doesn't sound so bad.
Besides death, I just wish for a severe blow to the head right now so that I don't have to deal with my non-existence while being conscious.
Are there people who experience similar dissociative phenomena?