Venting Disqualified as a Human Being

[The Disqualified]

I am not a human being. I have been disqualified. My disqualification happened eons ago, before I had consciousness. I was disqualified at the factory line, long before I had any chance to make my case. I was simply born like this, not a human being.
Everytime I imagine what my life could be like had I simply been born as a human being. I don't think I ever will be able to reconcile myself with human society. Even though I try. My life is just masking and farcicality, nothing else. Nothing deep or truthfull in there.
I cannot imagine others' lives. They are outer-worldy to look at. They seem to live in a state of constant bliss. I cannot imagine what problems they may have. I saw a young couple cuddling and loving each other, I saw people smiling and talking with friends, I saw vitality, integration, people excited for their dreams. I cannot fathom what their lives are like. How can they so casually go out, live and everything falls into place, all while I am struggling and fuming just to keep my barely held together social circle alive before everyone leaves me and goes to other groups. Barely getting out of bed and resisting my thoughts to catch the bus. Depressed all the time. Barely scraping by.
I know people have problems as well and aren't happy all the time. I am not delusional. Yet still, they lead such happier lives. And I don't say this with envy: I have no such banal intent. All I feel is a profound sense of helplessness that I have fallen into after decades of cruelty and abuse under human society.
People often complain about being excluded. I never felt excluded because I was never included to begin with.
My whole life has been the life of a reject.
I feel completely separate from humanity. All I do is walk around, stare at things in detail and act weirdly all the time when I can. Everything in human society is so loud, flashy, full of lights and sounds and movement. I want stillness, quiet, silence, appreciation to detail. I really need to escape, but I don't know to where.
That has been my life. I don't have more to add...

 

[ForeverUnknown]

This makes me think of 'No Longer Human' by Osamu Dazai

 

[The Disqualified]

This makes me think of 'No Longer Human' by Osamu Dazai

Yes. My name and language is a reference to that book. I am surprised so many have read it here. It makes me feel less alone in my reflections and feelings. Thank you for reading. It is a long post. But I like these ones more.

 

[tonicer]

I feel similar. If i had a wish i wanted to just cruise through space forever in my own FTL capable spaceship. I don't need other people. I need food and water and some animals and plants to look at.

 

[reasal_phenomenon]

Yes. My name and language is a reference to that book. I am surprised so many have read it here. It makes me feel less alone in my reflections and feelings. Thank you for reading. It is a long post. But I like these ones more.

I recently read Yukio Mishima's Confessions of a Mask as well. The context is different but the protagonist's actual behaviours, lack of sense of self and masking are similar to No Longer Human. I also love The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and anything by Thomas Ligotti. You might find some catharsis in these.

 

[whywere]

You, at least in my view pint, bring up a very fascinating point.

Humans are categorized as social animals HOWEVER, with the advance of everything, sometimes a person needs to step away and feel their own thoughts, feelings and take stock of so many aspects of their lives and so much more.

I was for almost 50 years in the business world where everything changes in a flash and I would sometimes wish that I could just hop off the bullet train and rest listening to music and have all the clutter of daily existence be put on the shelf.

For me it was and always be a combination of moving forward at a rapid pace and also taking time to get away from it all and "smell the roses of life".

I wonder if this is a paradox for humans that is both good and not so good, however all things move forward, evolve, so I just have learned to try and hop off the daily bullet train and rest and enjoy synthwave music and a green hot tea.

Walter

 

[Raindancer]

I don't think it is so much not being human, but just a different kind. My life started as always outside looking in. Nothing felt right from a very early age. I am not sure if that is from what was going on around me. At some point I found some footing and was kind of half living in and half living out. I still never felt fully in and often wondered where I fit. Then everything fell apart. I have many memories of watching people and almost being in awe of them just living normal lives. Over time to protect myself I pulled further in and now I have almost no connection to anything but my animals. I no longer relate on almost any plane to people. I decided to try again a few years ago and it was agony.

Sorry, all that to say you are not alone and I think many of us feel this way.

 

[ForeverUnknown]

I recently read Yukio Mishima's Confessions of a Mask as well. The context is different but the protagonist's actual behaviours, lack of sense of self and masking are similar to No Longer Human. I also love The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and anything by Thomas Ligotti. You might find some catharsis in these.

I've read The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea by Yukio Mishima and I quite liked it. I will give Confessions of a Mask a try. Thank you for the recommendation <3

 

[itsgone2]

I cannot imagine others' lives. They are outer-worldy to look at. They seem to live in a state of constant bliss. I cannot imagine what problems they may have. I saw a young couple cuddling and loving each other, I saw people smiling and talking with friends, I saw vitality, integration, people excited for their dreams. I cannot fathom what their lives are like. How can they so casually go out, live and everything falls into place, all while I am struggling and fuming just to keep my barely held together social circle alive before everyone leaves me and goes to other groups. Barely getting out of bed and resisting my thoughts to catch the bus. Depressed all the time. Barely scraping by.

Just want to say you're not alone.
I don't get it either. How others just live. All the things they do. Families.
I'm not human either. I tried. I was harmful. I need to exit.