Venting Disposable vents like so many others

[That's Not Me]

Since I'm back to writing a lot around here, I think it's best to create a thread to leave all vents in the same place, as I did in the recovery session. I don't write this for anyone to read, so feel free to go back to doing what you were doing before clicking here. I write these things to organize my thoughts and to capture moments. I have discovered many things about myself while writing about myself here.

It is already Wednesday and I still have no idea how this week will end. My head is spinning and my heart is aching. Now I am discovering the same things that I discovered last year, and I am feeling almost the same things, but the pain is different. I feel the same pressure in my chest as last year, but now there is a very strange feeling in my heart. It is almost like I am hungry in my heart. I remember that I once read that we feel hungry because we are feeling our stomachs being digested by the acids. Maybe my blood is too toxic and it's corroding my heart. It is a strange feeling. Every day I wake up with new directions and go to sleep wondering if I am doing the right thing. The part of me that wanted to die was always the emotional part, and the part of me that wanted to live was the rational part, but since Sunday it is just the opposite. The rational part of me started to prepare and found out yesterday that it is going to be harder than last year, and the emotional part doesn't seem to have noticed that the game is over and it can finally rest.
Yesterday I had the bad idea of not taking sleeping pills, because I thought I was sleepy enough, but I stayed from 08:00 PM until 01:30 AM, and then from 04:30 AM until 06:00 AM, thinking about what I really want. I thought a lot about what I am going to tell my psychologist tomorrow. If I lie to her it will be the first real step towards ctb. I don't get emotional thinking about these things anymore, but I am scared. There is some part of me that wants to tell me something, and I'm afraid that I can't hear it. I'm not sure yet, and I'm not going to do anything until I'm completely sure of what I want. It's all so monumentally complex. I have to think of dozens of variables at the same time and put everything into the balance. Now I've gone back to trying to choose my words better to talk to everyone, but I haven't succeeded very well. I think I still need some time to get my ego choked up enough to remember that my suffering will end but others' won't and that I have to be very careful what I say. I think that to solve this I'm going to have to spend a few weeks completely alone. There are some times of the day that I don't want to die, and I think that I need to go through the same experiences that I went through last year to get back to being completely in the same state of mind. Only then will I be able to be sure of what I want to be sure of. I also need, at the same time as I need to stifle my ego, to care less about people. Last year I thought the only way I could build up the courage to ctb was to stop taking meds to become more selfish and impulsive. It didn't work the way I wanted it to, but ultimately it worked. This year I am already taking almost no meds, so the only thing I can do to stay like last year is to wait for the worms to eat the part of my brain that is responsible for me being able to care. Cursed moment when I went to get out of the box that had protected me for so long. I only had my parents and a handful of family members to care about.
Yesterday I talked to my grandmother and it made me feel so bad. I wanted so much to apologize to her. I promised her that I would learn a specific song for her, that she would still be alive when I got taller than her, when I graduated, when I learned to drive, when I got married... There are so many promises that I won't be able to keep. She always tells me to the other grandchildren that she loves all three of them the same, but he always tells me whispering that she likes me best and that I am the only person she can open up to. I was not a good grandson last year and saw her only a few times. If things really go the way the rational part of me wants them to, I will have to be a bad grandson once again. This is an example of the kind of thing I have to think about: if I go to her house every weekend, those will be good last moments with her, but she will think more that she could have done something and will blame herself more, so I can't do it. It would be so much easier if instead of me taking the bus, some random bus would run me over.
I helped my mother last week to write a good resume. She was impressed with my ability to synthesize. If only she knew that I only started writing okay because I discovered this site. She went on an interview today and I helped her pick out her outfit. She is the most amazing person I know, and I feel very proud of myself for never having spoken of what I go through.

If you have read this far, you are surely in an even more miserable stage than I am, so I truly hope you will be okay. Remember that no matter how great an anguish or loss is, it will eventually pass. Love and mercy to all.

 

[deomlez]

Read all. Sorry i m not able to write a lot since i have only a pro laptop to type with all my 20 fingers and thevsite is locked so I m.using a phone
Anyway I think I understand what you feel since i feel the same and with almost the same words. I like the way you write of course. Nothing else I want to add with a poor tool but i just hug you (from far, otherwise no way haha)

 

[ger3172]

friend, I really appreciate you posting on here, I always read all your posts. I'm sorry you have been feeling the same as last year. I'll be here if you need anything. I love you. don't isolate from me.

 

[That's Not Me]

Read all. Sorry i m not able to write a lot since i have only a pro laptop to type with all my 20 fingers and thevsite is locked so I m.using a phone
Anyway I think I understand what you feel since i feel the same and with almost the same words. I like the way you write of course. Nothing else I want to add with a poor tool but i just hug you (from far, otherwise no way haha)

Thank you for your kindness. I am sorry that you understand and that you are going through something similar. Remember that a cloudburst doesn't last all day and that all things must pass, especially the bad ones. I hope you are able to find peace in your heart. Also feel hugged.

friend, I really appreciate you posting on here, I always read all your posts. I'm sorry you have been feeling the same as last year. I'll be here if you need anything. I love you. don't isolate from me.

I'll be here too if you need me, stalker. Kudos for the bravery to open the ss in public.

 

[feder]

I really admire the way you write, wish I could express my feelings with the same precision. It's really hard to do that. I understand that you feel awful and only hope you can feel better soon.

 

[That's Not Me]

Another unnecessarily long post here. Yesterday I already had everything I needed organized in my head. Every new person I would need to write, every time interval I would need to give to minimize the effects. Everything. I started writing my letter again yesterday, after more than 7 months. I would need to add a few paragraphs to the main letter and still make one or maybe two more separate documents. I had already planned how I was going to get these separate documents to whom they needed to reach, along with a plan B in case the main one failed. Last year I had a hard time writing because I was so depressed, but the medicine I am taking helped me to write almost a third of what I think would be appropriate in one of these separate documents. I wrote 5 large paragraphs and left annotated some of the instructions that I had thought of and some of the thoughts that I would like to pass on. At that point I got emotional, but not enough to give up. Today, I realized that I might be in a position to try one more time. I will still prepare for if I don't succeed, even though the letter will be much better written if I write it now, but I will try one more time. I don't see anything in my future and I don't want to live, but I need to try one last time. It sucks to be so stable and rational. I will try to listen to upbeat music all day. Today I joined a band's server on discord and the people were kind to me. That's it

 

[The anhedonic one]

I love your post. Beautifully written.
I too struggle between the emotional and logical parts of my being.
My CTB is inevitable. Therefore I am focusing on my situation from a logical perspective verses the emotional.
There can be no more room for emotions.
Only by focusing on the fact that my situation is unfixable through a lens of cold, hard logic will I be able to successfully CTB.

 

[deomlez]

still with you. Have a good trip.

 

[That's Not Me]

My heart is absolutely desperate. I can only feel pain. I'm breathing harder and faster all day long. I want so badly to die. I just want to have a feeling once that I can give myself up and that things will be okay. The only thing that has comforted me in the last three years is death. Every time something looks like it's going to be okay, I have to take many steps back. Death hugged me lovingly last year, and I hope it will still be there when I need it. I can't think of anything else. I tried to make something that would convey what I am feeling and posted it on my page here on SS, in case anyone is interested.

 

[deomlez]

You are not alone.

 

[That's Not Me]

I can no longer notice the passage of time clearly. My life is an endless cycle. Life is, always has been and always will be to do for others what they would never do for me. That is the only reason I am here. I can't write like I used to. I think that one thing that is killing me is my inability to feel hate or anger. For many years now, all the anger I would feel is immediately transformed into sadness or compassion. I don't like being this way. It is so sad how my life can go so wrong in such a short time. In April 2021 I was a person, and in April 2022 I was already this shit that I have to look at in the mirror every day. I think I am the only person who can disappoint me. I am absolutely exhausted of being that. I'm feeling my neck getting swollen with bitterness. It is even hard to breathe. I am thinking about spending a weekend in a hotel to find out what I should do. I had promised that in June I would go to some party that takes place here in my country this month to decide if I want to live, but I don't feel like getting out of bed anymore. I want so much to finally rest.

 

[That's Not Me]

I can't feel many sensations or emotions anymore. It's almost as if I'm not here as much anymore. I'm feeling my soul leaving just like it did last year. The will to die is just a little bit greater, but the feeling of dying is greater than I can express. I can't stay focused on anything else for very long. Everything leads me to these thoughts. I spend a maximum of 10 minutes studying and my brain is already led to this. Every moment I have to remind myself that I am studying. I've also been trying for days to record a cover of Monochrome by Yann Tiersen, but I just can't do it. I won't be able to record a cover for several songs from my playlist last year, as I had planned. I am exhausted. I can't leave my house anymore. I just want to have one second where I feel relaxed again. I haven't felt this way since I found out about this forum last year and found out about the methods. The thought of death has embraced me like nothing ever before. I'm afraid I'll tell my therapist about it tomorrow and she'll have me hospitalized against my will. It all sucks. I suck. Nothing is good.