Disgust with Oneself

[BornofDust]

I'm really disgusted by how pathetic I can get. I remember that I got reprememded at work because of a couple of incidents. Which they keep reminding me of for several weeksThen before I clocked out a few minutes on the same day I got reprimanded I proceeded to write a letter about how sorry I'm about how I'm a burden to the company. I really want to slap myself in the face to this day for even doing that.

Especially since it increased my already bad reputation as an mentally unstable person at my former job.

I really hate how emotionally fragile I can get. Especially as a guy. Sometimes I wish I didn't have these hurt feelings so easily. Especially when reprimanded. I want to throw up when I think about myself sometimes. I wish my heart was truly made of stone like most people people in my life.When people( mostly guys) talk about how "people are soft and sensitive nowadays." And "people this generation are weak." And the laughing about safe spaces. They're referring to people like me. And I hate it so much. I want to puke when I think about myself like why I'm so disgusting and pathetic.

EDIT: Forgot to mention. I eventually got fired because of said mental issues ( even though on paper it was for late attendance, they clearly wanted me gone for a longtime ago.)They were done with me. So yeah.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I can relate to being mentally weak. We have to accept it and work around our weakness. We can also try to get rid of the weakness after accepting it, but until it is truly accepted I think we'll be stuck in negativity.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I can relate to how you feel. The shame and guilt can be so immense. I feel like I'm literally evil. Sick, twisted. I know what evil is, and logically I am not. But that is how I feel. I feel like a huge burden, a pest and a thorn in everyone's side because I simply exist. People like me, love me. I know, because I've been told so, that my presence and actions have made people's lives better. But it doesn't make a difference. I know the likely root of these strong feelings, but it still doesn't matter. It's a living hell for myself and those in my life.

I've been trying to stop the knee-jerk reactions. This, of course, is an example:

Then before I clocked out a few minutes on the same day I got reprimanded I proceeded to write a letter about how sorry I'm about how I'm a burden to the company.

It's a tad more extreme than what I've done, but given how you feel and the environment you are in I can understand. Unfortunately, as you have experienced, running with these thoughts can be incredibly damaging. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm not shaming you or judging you, of course. I've been there, I'm still there. Mental illness, trauma, etc are horrible. But it would be very helpful if you could find a way to...er, accept those feelings. Stop yourself from quickly doing what your brain is screaming at you to do. Because while it seems good in the moment, even if you feel like you deserve the pain and consequences... It's harmful to you, and you're already suffering enough.

My heart goes out to you, mate.

I wish my heart was truly made of stone like most people people in my life.

This is also very relatable. You are not a bad person for having this desire - I'm stressing that because people often question themselves and their morality for such thoughts. But it's normal. You don't want the pain, and that is a natural next line of logic - being cold, cruel, truly selfish would absolutely keep you from this pain. But a life like that, in my opinion, is not truly a life worth living. Because it's empty. You would have no true friends. Your life would lack so much.

Being sensitive and "emotionally fragile" can be a great strength if you are able to learn how to manage the overwhelming emotions. And that can come with time, diligence. Imo it means you're a good, compassionate, empathetic person.

 

[Symbiote]

I try so much to keep my emotional fragility in check. People seem to love vulnerable persons as a way to prey on those weaknesses. We often get picked on when our guard is down. I try to practice a bit of stoicism to not let many people in society know about me. Coping or protection mechanism I suppose. Emotional fragile me can wreak vengeance and destroy others in an instant.

 

[MrBlue]

I can definetely relate. I imagine I'd react the same as you if I was in that situation. I haven't even started my job and I've already fucked everything up, so I don't know how I'm going to be able to face going into the actual workplace when people will hate me straight out the gate.

It's not even surprising at this point, I'm just pathetic and and constantly fucking up over the smallest, easiest tasks. I'm as weak as wet tissue paper and no matter how hard I try to toughen myself up it fails miserably. I can't seem get anything right. The only thing that helps is when I smack myself as hard as I can, but I know the only real solution to it is ctb.

 

[WornOutLife]

I think not liking yourself in any way is the worst thing that can happen to any of us.
I used to hate myself lots. Not only my body but also my personality, way of living and reacting, etc.

Then, I started to change some old habits and things made more sense little by little.

I don't LOVE myself but I don't dislike myself. Looking at the only good things I have, helped me.

I hope you can feel better soon.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Callie Arcale]

I really hate how emotionally fragile I can get.

I get you. I belive that my emotional fragility is what lead to my having generalized anxiety disorder. I am simply not strong enough to cope with things. I hate my weakness, I did years of therapy, took meds... nothing helped.

Now I am just suffering in silence, ticking away the moments that make up this comic dramatic buffoonery called my life.

(((Hug)))