Disappearing?

[nebulaz]

I think I'm narcissistic in a way, I don't and have never actually hated myself. The world doesn't deserve me. I'm above being owned by humans and violated by other life forms and time itself. I want to die to exercise control over all of this.
And I don't think I can knowing my body is going to be "processed" industrially in a system, violated and treated like all the rest. It's all so cold. It's like I didn't own my life and can't even own my death. I feel like livestock, or a decommissioned robot. I know I shouldn't care because I'll be dead but I really do. The thought repulses me so deeply. I'll continue living just so I still have agency.

What I really want is to disappear. I necessarily want to be schrodingers cat. I see true crime shows where a body was never found and feel jealous. That person might be "dead" but they were never processed meat on a table somewhere. They were never a dead body except to perhaps the murderer. To me it's like the closest thing to immortality. I would never be a "dead body". I'd never be old or sick or ugly. I'd live in a sort of beauty through my work and photographs and memories until I was forgotten.
Anyone know how I can have that for myself? I have some stupid ideas, and it seems so much easier if some psycho destroyed every bit of me so I'd effectively be dead, but not- anyway anyone else know how I can really disappear so that humans will never find me, but I live on as a thought?

 

[an_alias]

i really resonate with how you feel - i hate having to depend on the world around me. it makes me feel so insignificant and lifeless, even though I'm not necessarily narcissistic. i hope that you find some closure on this when you eventually die or CTB

 

[unabletocope]

I'm coming around to the notion of wanting to disappear, to me killing yourself is disappearing and I am so anxious and insecure in myself that I wish I could be invisible, I wish I could hit a button and suddenly vanish