My life has gone further down the valley of destruction. I gave up a possible multi-million dollar contract--the publisher offered a 10,000 dollar advance, and they thought It had a good chance to be a best seller, and I'd receive 40 percent in royalties for each book sold. I fucked up my own future. I don't think I could handle fame (and honestly, I don't want it.) By nature, I'm a recluse, only leaving my house for doctor appointments and groceries; the trips to the grocery store make me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. I worry if people are staring at me, or if they are going to hurt me physically, verbally, or psychologically. Fame would put me in the spotlight. I hate having attention drawn to me; In general--I hate people. 99 percent of people are not good. The financial security, on the other hand, I wouldn't mind. So, I've been approved for SSDI for schizophrenia and severe depression. I never signed the contract, so I retracted and regained control of rights to my work. I feel terrible. I had a chance to rise above poverty and threw it away because of fear. I can't help not wanting attention; people have hurt, disappointed, and manipulated me uncountable times. My house is my fortress from the world outside. I was outside tending to my garden. My neighbor approached me and said, "I've noticed you haven't left your house in almost twelve months. Are you going to find a job?"
I looked at him, my palms sweating and said, "I have too many problems to work." And I guess he didn't like my answer.
He replied, "That's the problem with this country today. Young people don't want to work or put forth effort these days. I am young at twenty-seven years of age. Then he made a guess that I was drawing checks from the government and told me I was living off the fat of the government--money I paid into the system for ten years. Those twelve months I didn't work I was fairly comfortable--sold stocks, collected a pension, and cashed my 401K, which my employer matched. But rent, car note, gas, doctor appointments, insurance ate through it quickly. I had just run out when I was approved for disability. I'm a failure, a leech on the system. But maybe if people weren't pieces of shit, didn't treat me like one, I could have gotten somewhere. But I'm too terrified of people to do anything else. Thanks for listening, Willow.
I looked at him, my palms sweating and said, "I have too many problems to work." And I guess he didn't like my answer.
He replied, "That's the problem with this country today. Young people don't want to work or put forth effort these days. I am young at twenty-seven years of age. Then he made a guess that I was drawing checks from the government and told me I was living off the fat of the government--money I paid into the system for ten years. Those twelve months I didn't work I was fairly comfortable--sold stocks, collected a pension, and cashed my 401K, which my employer matched. But rent, car note, gas, doctor appointments, insurance ate through it quickly. I had just run out when I was approved for disability. I'm a failure, a leech on the system. But maybe if people weren't pieces of shit, didn't treat me like one, I could have gotten somewhere. But I'm too terrified of people to do anything else. Thanks for listening, Willow.
