Venting Disability, should I just kill myself?

[BandAddict]

My mom said that I should go on disability, that I don't have a choice. In a way it could be good, because I could maybe afford things I need so that she doesn't have to buy me anything anymore, but it just feels so overwhelming. She said it could take up to a year or more, and I really don't feel like I'll be able to see it through. It may very likely be a waste of time, as I've been thinking of CTB at the end of May, possibly. But either way, the thought fills me with more guilt. I'm such a waste.

I have three more sessions with my therapist before the program or whatnot is over, and I'm just so fucking tired and don't want to start over with someone new again. As much as I want to tell her or someone the truth about being actively suicidal, I don't want to be put in a hospital again because I'm paranoid about shit that could happen, unrealistic or not. I'm also afraid of that being like seeking attention and if I wanted to die I'd just do it, but I just don't want to LIVE with the way I am and the way the world is, is all.

I don't want to hurt, but I also don't want to hurt anyone else. My mom said that I haven't even tried, which really truly upsets me, because I feel like I have. She did say something though, "And if you want to give up at level one, I understand, but that's YOUR decision." Which sounded like she was giving me permission to CTB? But it seems contradictory to other things she's been saying? I'm fucking confused about it. I just want to know that her and my sibling will be okay, but she said that they won't.

Sorry for the word vomit, just need to put these thoughts out there, since I don't have anyone I can talk to about this without consequence. My mind is so fried. I'm just thinking about everything and am thinking that maybe I should just be done with it all, give up at "level one". I feel like there's no point.

 

[WornOutLife]

No matter how many people give you "permission to ctb", that's something you'll have to decide on your own.
There are some people who decide to live on in spite of disabilities while some others just ctb.

You're a smart person and will realize what the best to do is.

Wish you best of luck and lots of love and peace.

Hugs

 

[usernameforhere]

Well, I mean, from reading what you wrote it doesn't seem like you've given up which is good and it seems like you'd be ok with being on disability...

I mean it does sound like a pain in the ass but if I were in the same situation as you I'd probably try it. Yeah it's a pain to get on from what I understand and it's a pain on purpose to keep people who do t really need to be on it on it... but you know that going into it so you could probably get through it. Why not. Let the government take some burden off you and your family.

try it.

 

[Judah]

I have a physical disability and surely some mental illness, all my life I have lived under the shadow of my family, although many praise my intelligence, I hate that I have not yet managed to be independent simply because circumstances do not allow me, and in a way, my disability becomes an obstacle to creating or maintaining social relationships.

I am thinking about CTB, but I still feel fear, maybe the time will come when I can not anymore and finally do it.

 

[BandAddict]

No matter how many people give you "permission to ctb", that's something you'll have to decide on your own.
There are some people who decide to live on in spite of disabilities while some others just ctb.

You're a smart person and will realize what the best to do is.

Wish you best of luck and lots of love and peace.

Hugs

You have a good point there. I guess for a while now I've just wanted someone to "okay" it for me so I can justify it somehow. I just wish there was a way to make it easier on everyone. Thanks.

 

[Uzera]

I mean the things your mom said are kind of shitty man. Sbe obviously cares but it sounds like she kind of is talking down to you. I do think if you're wondering this much about it maybe its worth a shot trying? Im in the same boat with the disability thing. My advice would be to get a case manager if it is at all possible. They can help you with getting on disability. If you got on disability, could you get in your own apartment? Do you think that might help things? I do believe in people's right to ctb but on the other hand my instinct is to always tell people to wait and think it out.(even if youre pro-choice its always hard when someones leaving) There are some people who have been in this shit for years and they are gonna ctb and that's their choice but if you think its all possible you could turn it around give it a shot a say.

Getting on disability is a chore. You are going to apply, and probably get rejected(depending on type of disability). If its mental health disability you usually have to apply, get rejected and then appeal. Case managers are good at knowing how to get around those systems and help people who have a hard time getting stuff done. I probably would of never been able to get anything done if it wouldn't of been for case managers honestly.

I can tell your having a hard time and are overwhelmed. Getting on disability can be scary and overwhelming but it can make life better.

I also get the thing with new therapists. That shit is super stressfull and i'm sorry you have to deal with that.

As for what your mom said she could of meant just giving up as in trying to improve your life not suicide. I can understand why that would upset you though. It is my experience that people who have never gone through certain things don't understand when others go through it. So if we are talking mental health disability here that is especially true because people who don't have those mental disabilities and/or trauma have a hard time understanding that even doing simple shit is a motherfucking chore. Its worth being said though and if you do end up staying alive and she is trying to support you SHE NEEDS to understand that you have difficulties. Even if it's not a mental disability you wanna ctb so i'm gonna assume your not jumping out of bed in the morning with energy to get shit done.

I'm just thinking out loud here sorry if im ranting a bit. If you want my advice though I say try and make it work. You've got support around you and people who care about you and you have support here with us. I say stick it out for awhile and try and improve things. If down the road things are still shit you can always ctb down the road. Anyways that's my advice. Sorry your moms being a little buit of a cunt.

 

[BandAddict]

I mean the things your mom said are kind of shitty man. Sbe obviously cares but it sounds like she kind of is talking down to you. I do think if you're wondering this much about it maybe its worth a shot trying? Im in the same boat with the disability thing. My advice would be to get a case manager if it is at all possible. They can help you with getting on disability. If you got on disability, could you get in your own apartment? Do you think that might help things? I do believe in people's right to ctb but on the other hand my instinct is to always tell people to wait and think it out.(even if youre pro-choice its always hard when someones leaving) There are some people who have been in this shit for years and they are gonna ctb and that's their choice but if you think its all possible you could turn it around give it a shot a say.

Getting on disability is a chore. You are going to apply, and probably get rejected(depending on type of disability). If its mental health disability you usually have to apply, get rejected and then appeal. Case managers are good at knowing how to get around those systems and help people who have a hard time getting stuff done. I probably would of never been able to get anything done if it wouldn't of been for case managers honestly.

I can tell your having a hard time and are overwhelmed. Getting on disability can be scary and overwhelming but it can make life better.

I also get the thing with new therapists. That shit is super stressfull and i'm sorry you have to deal with that.

As for what your mom said she could of meant just giving up as in trying to improve your life not suicide. I can understand why that would upset you though. It is my experience that people who have never gone through certain things don't understand when others go through it. So if we are talking mental health disability here that is especially true because people who don't have those mental disabilities and/or trauma have a hard time understanding that even doing simple shit is a motherfucking chore. Its worth being said though and if you do end up staying alive and she is trying to support you SHE NEEDS to understand that you have difficulties. Even if it's not a mental disability you wanna ctb so i'm gonna assume your not jumping out of bed in the morning with energy to get shit done.

I'm just thinking out loud here sorry if im ranting a bit. If you want my advice though I say try and make it work. You've got support around you and people who care about you and you have support here with us. I say stick it out for awhile and try and improve things. If down the road things are still shit you can always ctb down the road. Anyways that's my advice. Sorry your moms being a little buit of a cunt.

Thank you so much for this.

I do have a social/case worker that sees me weekly and said he could help, so I do have that. I couldn't imagine doing it on my own.

I've thought about moving out, but I would probably CTB sooner if that were the case. I'm sticking around for my mom and sibling, other than that, I really do feel done. I'm running in guilt and fear at this point. I have my SN for when I'm ready, just conflicted about things right now, but I only see things getting worse in the future.

My mom can seem harsh. She's been through a lot as well, but she's very strong-minded and uses tough love, I guess. Thank you for giving me that other point of view, though, she could have meant that.

Again, thank you for the thorough response. I'll definitely think it over some more.

 

[melissa286]

It's actually one of the reasons I need to ctb fairly soon. I first applied two years ago; all my doctors said I had a very good case, but my application and subsequent appeals were denied. I don't know if I have it in me to start the process all over again, Trying to get appointments with all the specialists I need to see, getting new testing and imaging done, going to appointments and testing when I can't drive, don't have reliable phone service, and most days am not well enough to be up and around. I need new referrals to new specialists, but my PCP Is so hard to get in to see, and there's never enough time in an appointment to take care of everything.

My biggest problem is that I have a large number of conditions that, each one taken by itself, I wouldn't necessarily be debilitating, but when you put them all together they are. If I just had one very major condition it would be a lot easier.

Both I and a family member testified at my appeal hearing that I'm not able to do my own house work. The vocational specialist working for the government said, "She could get work as a hotel housekeeper," and the judge believed him over us even though he had never seen me before in my life.

The pro bono lawyer I had for my appeal says that they don't take mental health into consideration until you've had multiple hospitalizations and multiple suicide attempts, even though I've had MDD, GAD, and PTSD since childhood. The attempt I survived isn't on my medical records since I failed so badly I didn't even need hospitalization afterward.

If I was able to put all this work into a new application process, I'd be able to work. Just getting through the day takes every ounce of strength and concentration I have. I wish there was an agency with caseworkers who would assist you with the application process. My executive dysfunction has never been worse.

It's like they want people to die, but then they put up so many barriers to suicide.

 

[BandAddict]

It's actually one of the reasons I need to ctb fairly soon. I first applied two years ago; all my doctors said I had a very good case, but my application and subsequent appeals were denied. I don't know if I have it in me to start the process all over again, Trying to get appointments with all the specialists I need to see, getting new testing and imaging done, going to appointments and testing when I can't drive, don't have reliable phone service, and most days am not well enough to be up and around. I need new referrals to new specialists, but my PCP Is so hard to get in to see, and there's never enough time in an appointment to take care of everything.

My biggest problem is that I have a large number of conditions that, each one taken by itself, I wouldn't necessarily be debilitating, but when you put them all together they are. If I just had one very major condition it would be a lot easier.

Both I and a family member testified at my appeal hearing that I'm not able to do my own house work. The vocational specialist working for the government said, "She could get work as a hotel housekeeper," and the judge believed him over us even though he had never seen me before in my life.

The pro bono lawyer I had for my appeal says that they don't take mental health into consideration until you've had multiple hospitalizations and multiple suicide attempts, even though I've had MDD, GAD, and PTSD since childhood. The attempt I survived isn't on my medical records since I failed so badly I didn't even need hospitalization afterward.

If I was able to put all this work into a new application process, I'd be able to work. Just getting through the day takes every ounce of strength and concentration I have. I wish there was an agency with caseworkers who would assist you with the application process. My executive dysfunction has never been worse.

It's like they want people to die, but then they put up so many barriers to suicide.

I am so sorry you've had to go through this. That's bullshit. And the last part is something I've thought about as well, why do they push people like us into a corner with no other way out, but try to keep us alive? It's literally torture. I'm sorry.

And I completely understand the hassle of doctors and referrals. It's a nightmare. I hope something changes for you for the better somehow.

I've been told I might be denied at first, but I'm hoping my medical history will at least be enough if I manage to see it through.

 

[TooConscious]

At least your mum is supportive.
I was born disabled and encouraged not to even seek help by my mother or father because they didn't want to admit they had a disabled kid.
I felt trapped into surviving in a world of people born normal not being medicated for my ailments thanks to my wonderful parents.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

If you are entitled to it then why not claim it? They make these things overly bureaucratic to try and dissuade people from applying in the first place.

 

[BandAddict]

If you are entitled to it then why not claim it? They make these things overly bureaucratic to try and dissuade people from applying in the first place.

Yeah, the process seems daunting to me. I'm taking the proper steps right now, but if I still decide to CTB before it's over then that'll be that. Either way makes me feel guilty. Thank you for replying.

At least your mum is supportive.
I was born disabled and encouraged not to even seek help by my mother or father because they didn't want to admit they had a disabled kid.
I felt trapped into surviving in a world of people born normal not being medicated for my ailments thanks to my wonderful parents.

That's fucked up, I'm sorry. Shit like that isn't fair. I've lived with people who are really awful and unhelpful in that regard, my mom tries in her own way.

For what it's worth, I hope that you find peace, whatever that means to you.