kane
Student
- Jun 26, 2020
- 171
Like everyone, I've seen a fair number of dead animals. But I think today was my first time seeing something bigger than a bug get killed, up close (I don't drive, so that could be why.) As I was walking down the street a crow landed in the road next to me, in front of slow oncoming traffic. Perhaps it had wing problems, though it was moving normally. Maybe it was just too young to associate cars with death. But it wasn't scavenging for food. It just hopped back and forth, looking at the car slowly rolling toward it. It was kind of surreal - almost like it had a death wish. A part of me wanted to shout at it, or wave it out of the way, but I suppose I assumed it would take off at the last minute, as they often do. But no.
The first car slowly rolled over it. I don't think the wheels hit it. When it emerged from underneath, it's wing was sticking out at a funny angle, possibly broken. It might've been a bit dazed, but it was still very much conscious and on it's feet. It didn't seem particularly fazed by what had happened. At this point a part of me wanted to intervene - to step into the street, stop traffic, carry it out of harms way. But am I going to risk causing an accident by halting traffic? And do I really want to deal with the anger and exasperation of the drivers if I do stop them? And am I really going to pick it up and carry it to the kerb, and then somehow find the number of the nearest animal rescue, and pay for a cab to take us there with money I don't have? Hell no. And then it was to late.
I think the second car caught it from behind. This time maybe a wheel got it. It emerged as a twitching mass of feathers, it's wings drawn over it's head. Still alive, but probably beyond saving. Part of me still felt I should do something, but as the third car was about to put a wheel right over it I turned away. I didn't want to see it get gruesome. I walked down the street, feeling a mixture of shame and anger. Shame that it had affected me so much, but also that I had done nothing. And anger at a world where this is routine, and no one else blinks an eye. When I walked back an hour later, it had become the standard bloody pâté you see every day, ready to be scraped up and put in the trash. One minute you have the wind in your wings and the sun on your back, flying high as you hunt other small creatures. And the next you're a brief stain on the ground, and the world rolls on without noticing you were there. And I'm as complicit in that reality as anyone - I eat meat. I rely on transportation that uses roads. I squish bugs that land on me all the time without even thinking about it.
I think part of it is just being massively oversensitive. I grew up very sheltered, and I suppose I never had that bullied or beaten out of me. I've spent a large part of my life hiding from the realities of the world. I don't know how to be ok with the knowledge that anything can die at any time, possibly painfully, and the world just rumbles on. It doesn't seem right, somehow. I'm not sure that's a world I want to live in. I'm not even sure that's a world that should continue to exist.
I don't want to be immune to the suffering of other beings, or the reality of death. But I also don't want it effect me this much. I would like to be able to take it in my stride. Possibly sometimes do a little to ease suffering where I can, but otherwise to go about my day unchanged. I don't want to waste negative emotion if it's not going to change anything. I don't have enough energy to spare to feel bad for the world, or angry at it. Because someday soon it will be those I actually care about in that helpless state of dying, and one day it will be me.
The first car slowly rolled over it. I don't think the wheels hit it. When it emerged from underneath, it's wing was sticking out at a funny angle, possibly broken. It might've been a bit dazed, but it was still very much conscious and on it's feet. It didn't seem particularly fazed by what had happened. At this point a part of me wanted to intervene - to step into the street, stop traffic, carry it out of harms way. But am I going to risk causing an accident by halting traffic? And do I really want to deal with the anger and exasperation of the drivers if I do stop them? And am I really going to pick it up and carry it to the kerb, and then somehow find the number of the nearest animal rescue, and pay for a cab to take us there with money I don't have? Hell no. And then it was to late.
I think the second car caught it from behind. This time maybe a wheel got it. It emerged as a twitching mass of feathers, it's wings drawn over it's head. Still alive, but probably beyond saving. Part of me still felt I should do something, but as the third car was about to put a wheel right over it I turned away. I didn't want to see it get gruesome. I walked down the street, feeling a mixture of shame and anger. Shame that it had affected me so much, but also that I had done nothing. And anger at a world where this is routine, and no one else blinks an eye. When I walked back an hour later, it had become the standard bloody pâté you see every day, ready to be scraped up and put in the trash. One minute you have the wind in your wings and the sun on your back, flying high as you hunt other small creatures. And the next you're a brief stain on the ground, and the world rolls on without noticing you were there. And I'm as complicit in that reality as anyone - I eat meat. I rely on transportation that uses roads. I squish bugs that land on me all the time without even thinking about it.
I think part of it is just being massively oversensitive. I grew up very sheltered, and I suppose I never had that bullied or beaten out of me. I've spent a large part of my life hiding from the realities of the world. I don't know how to be ok with the knowledge that anything can die at any time, possibly painfully, and the world just rumbles on. It doesn't seem right, somehow. I'm not sure that's a world I want to live in. I'm not even sure that's a world that should continue to exist.
I don't want to be immune to the suffering of other beings, or the reality of death. But I also don't want it effect me this much. I would like to be able to take it in my stride. Possibly sometimes do a little to ease suffering where I can, but otherwise to go about my day unchanged. I don't want to waste negative emotion if it's not going to change anything. I don't have enough energy to spare to feel bad for the world, or angry at it. Because someday soon it will be those I actually care about in that helpless state of dying, and one day it will be me.
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