Story Different experience of suicidal thoughts to usual

[Grave]

So I went for a walk the other day in my local park because my parents sent me out, normally I just stay at home not doing shit.

I was walking along a path covered by trees at the edge of the park, and I saw a dog lead that had been hung on a tree branch, I assume someone had dropped it and someone else had hung it up so that people could see it easily if they came back to get it. On instinct I took the rope and put it in my pocket.

As I continued my walk I neared a restricted area that I like to go to because it's quiet so I jumped over the fence and went there. Then I was just like, 'Hey, lets try to hang myself' so I walked around a tried to find a tree which had a suitable branch. I found one good for full suspension hanging, but unfortunately I couldn't find a step-like thing high enough for me to manage to put the rope around my neck and the step off so that my feet weren't on the ground. Disheartened, I returned home.

What was odd about this is that I wasn't really associating the act of hanging with death, but it was probably one of my most likely to succeed suicide attempts - had I been able to put the noose around my neck at the right height. Like of course I want to die, I just wasn't really thinking about it at that time.

It was just instinct, rope = try to hang. I don't know if anyone else has experienced anything like this before, but I'd be interested to hear about your experiences if so, or your thoughts on this.

 

[hahabye]

I do have a similar experience sometimes while making preparations for my death. Some of the tasks, which normally would be very emotionally-laden, I now perform like any other chore.

And I feel like turning it into more of a mechanic-like execution will make my final-day plan so much easier to go through. Focusing on a clear task (be it vacuuming the floor or catching the bus) somehow helps to suppress the survival instinct.

 

[Grave]

Yeah I think I get you, whenever I plan overdoses or anything, I do it in a very cold manner, without much emotion, I think it through and about death, but it's not emotional. But then there are times when I'm feeling really emotional and sad and angry and all that shit, but that's not when I tend to try to ctb.