past few weeks have just been full of silence and isolation because i needed to decide whether i wanted to ctb or not by myself. i didn't want the same thing happening over and over again - people convincing me to live. that always led to an endless cycle. i needed to try and decide on my own this time.
last week i finally decided i wanted to live for an international trip i've been waiting for for 7 years now. i was suppose to go 3 years ago, but covid hit. then the following years, something always stopped it from happening. this year was the first time things were actually going to plan. i paid for the flight and got the things i needed for the trip over the summer. things seemed more positive so i started to let myself get excited about it. it was the only thing that convinced me to live, at least until the trip. everything depended on this trip.
it got cancelled the day i finally decided i wanted to live due to things out of my control.. again. now i'm stuck with my choice. i know i can just change my mind again and pick the other option (to ctb), but i don't know why i feel like i can't. like i'm stuck with my decision to live, no matter how much i don't want to. maybe it's because i lost all motivation to plan everything out and start on the list of things to do before i ctb. all the energy into being positive and excited about the trip just wasted, and now i don't have any energy for anything. to live or to die. if i didn't decide to live the same day it got cancelled, i would've easily just started the process to ctb already. instead i chose to live and suffered the consequences of it after. and i can't even die anymore because i don't have the energy if that makes sense?
"I should've not decided on Thursday. I don't feel the urge to die as much anymore. Kinda like I don't want to because I made my decision and feel like I can't take it back no matter how much I want to. I chose to live and now I actually have to. If I didn't decide I could've been free to choose the other option."
^from my notes.
now i just feel like i lost the last piece of myself. like i'm already dead but not at peace. so i'm not truly dead. i just want to die. why can't i?
last week i finally decided i wanted to live for an international trip i've been waiting for for 7 years now. i was suppose to go 3 years ago, but covid hit. then the following years, something always stopped it from happening. this year was the first time things were actually going to plan. i paid for the flight and got the things i needed for the trip over the summer. things seemed more positive so i started to let myself get excited about it. it was the only thing that convinced me to live, at least until the trip. everything depended on this trip.
it got cancelled the day i finally decided i wanted to live due to things out of my control.. again. now i'm stuck with my choice. i know i can just change my mind again and pick the other option (to ctb), but i don't know why i feel like i can't. like i'm stuck with my decision to live, no matter how much i don't want to. maybe it's because i lost all motivation to plan everything out and start on the list of things to do before i ctb. all the energy into being positive and excited about the trip just wasted, and now i don't have any energy for anything. to live or to die. if i didn't decide to live the same day it got cancelled, i would've easily just started the process to ctb already. instead i chose to live and suffered the consequences of it after. and i can't even die anymore because i don't have the energy if that makes sense?
"I should've not decided on Thursday. I don't feel the urge to die as much anymore. Kinda like I don't want to because I made my decision and feel like I can't take it back no matter how much I want to. I chose to live and now I actually have to. If I didn't decide I could've been free to choose the other option."
^from my notes.
now i just feel like i lost the last piece of myself. like i'm already dead but not at peace. so i'm not truly dead. i just want to die. why can't i?
