Die while the going is good

[Vision4ry]

Do any of you ever get the thought, while your life seems to be putting itself back together, that you should just die while you're fulfilled? You know, you have everything that you wanted to do when you were in the hole, so now nothing is left?

I've been doing pretty decently. I don't think I ever fell far enough to hit rock bottom, although I don't know what that would be for me; point stands that I have everything in life that I need. Couple months ago I was telling myself shit like "I'm gonna get better, get my degree, get a job, and maybe then life will feel useful!" Still in uni, never dropped out. Two years left for me. Seems like a long time. I quit my last job, but I'm not experiencing any financial hardship. I haven't done anything besides eat, sleep, and study for the last three months, but it seems to be that the only thing you need to do for people to not give a fuck about you is be quiet about it. You know, as long as you're not telling me you want to die, I could care less what the fuck else you do, right? Anyway, I was never in an unfortunate position to anyone but myself. But now that I'm doing well for myself, done the shit I thought would make my life better, I've been getting this increasing sense of urgency to kill myself before it inevitably gets worse. I keep thinking that the going is good—nice apartment, good academic performance, young—I should die now, and then it would feel like I could immortalize myself at the highest peak my life could reach. I don't know. I know I don't have the will to be any more than I have been. Life just doesn't feel worth it. It's unfair to me that so many other people can die so easily and I'm forced to stay here.

Maybe there are higher peaks. But I can't shake this feeling that the next time I fall, next time I forget to do any of the dozen things a person constantly has to be doing just to be a fucking human being—it will really be to the bottom. That's fucked though, to have to do so much for a life I never even wanted..

 

[_Minsk]

100% me. I want to be in the best possible state to ctb. Idk why exactly, maybe because I would feel like its out of free will rather than being forced by outside circumstances. Would like to know why

 

[sserafim]

I feel the same way. This is the peak of my life and the best it will ever be. NEETdom is like winning at life. I'm like Icarus, flying close to the sun, and I'd rather die now than fall back down to earth. I want to die in my prime because I know that the future will only be worse. These are my golden years. I don't want the future to come. This is the best time of my life. It's NEET or rope for me

 

[Aeselle]

Do any of you ever get the thought, while your life seems to be putting itself back together, that you should just die while you're fulfilled? You know, you have everything that you wanted to do when you were in the hole, so now nothing is left?

I've been doing pretty decently. I don't think I ever fell far enough to hit rock bottom, although I don't know what that would be for me; point stands that I have everything in life that I need. Couple months ago I was telling myself shit like "I'm gonna get better, get my degree, get a job, and maybe then life will feel useful!" Still in uni, never dropped out. Two years left for me. Seems like a long time. I quit my last job, but I'm not experiencing any financial hardship. I haven't done anything besides eat, sleep, and study for the last three months, but it seems to be that the only thing you need to do for people to not give a fuck about you is be quiet about it. You know, as long as you're not telling me you want to die, I could care less what the fuck else you do, right? Anyway, I was never in an unfortunate position to anyone but myself. But now that I'm doing well for myself, done the shit I thought would make my life better, I've been getting this increasing sense of urgency to kill myself before it inevitably gets worse. I keep thinking that the going is good—nice apartment, good academic performance, young—I should die now, and then it would feel like I could immortalize myself at the highest peak my life could reach. I don't know. I know I don't have the will to be any more than I have been. Life just doesn't feel worth it. It's unfair to me that so many other people can die so easily and I'm forced to stay here.

Maybe there are higher peaks. But I can't shake this feeling that the next time I fall, next time I forget to do any of the dozen things a person constantly has to be doing just to be a fucking human being—it will really be to the bottom. That's fucked though, to have to do so much for a life I never even wanted..

Although I am at no point of feeling like this is the peak of my life, I relate to the thought of feeling fulfilled enough to want to die. I've done pretty much everything I want to do in life and it does make it seem meaningless to continue, especially when you don't know what life can bring you. I'm scared of the uncertainty, I honestly don't want to know what the future holds for me but I know that I'll have to face it no matter what I do because that's just what living is.