I really wish more than anything, it's just so horrible and painful to me how I cannot just have a death like falling asleep permanently to escape from this evil and torturous existence that only ever caused me to suffer and the suffering this existence causes is endless with no limit as to how much one can suffer, never waking again would solve everything for me and I see it as such terrible extreme cruelty how the option of such a death is denied with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what.