It's actually really easy for me to cut myself and or imagine a gruesome death. I feel cathartic, like I'm actually alive. Proof of my suffering. Cause nobody thinks it's serious till you give them a reason to worry. Even at that you have to cut real deep for people to actually worry.
So basically I like making people queasy.
So you could basically stab yourself or slice and butcher down to the bone? Without opioids or painkillers?
Does it numb the emotional pain?
My method is drugs, benzos and opioids are the only thing keeping me alive. Otherwise without being anesthetized under the heavy influence of benzos or ketamine, opioids - life would be like waking up in the middle of orthopedic surgery without anesthesia or being burned alive. Even if there was no withdrawal if my benzo and drug supply were to vanish and I would experience no withdrawal symptoms, the rude awakening into the hostile multi-casualty combat-like conditions of my current life I am in would be like being crucified or burned at the stake and I would instantly run across the street and put my head on the rail track or hang myself immediately.
Drugs destroy lives but in this case they are like a life support underground war trench shield or mental resilience / immunity modality that so was long as I can maintain is the only thing preventing me from killing myself. But I know that at some point the time will come when I'll have to execute myself; that was the verdict of my life since childhood and through adulthood, through periods of joy, pleasure and accomplishment and the lows in between what has remained steadfast is that I would clock out of this unwinnable game of life voluntarily at some point and that point is soon.
