My husband died almost six months ago, and it only gets worse, not easier.
(He got a sample of MJ that happened to be laced with fentanyl bc he was against opioids and had chronic back pain. Go figure.)
I hate this life i didn't ask for. They tell me I'm not going to ever feel better about it, and I believe that - but I'm going to learn to live with it. If i knew how that was going to happen, maybe it'd be getting better, but I don't see a single reason or lesson I need to learn that's worth me losing my soulmate and father of my kids (hence coming here). Even if I end up saving the planet because of his death for some reason, I didn't ask to sacrifice my happiness and sanity and to traumatize our kids to do that. Why don't we matter? We have two kids together, and i have another son with my ex husband that we share custody and placement. If they weren't here, I'd be gone for sure. I resent having to be the one to stay so i dont fuck them up completely. I hate it here. I know i can get through it, i know i'm strong enough, but I just dont want to. He's the first person who really knew me for me and accepted me. It took 30 years to find him, and we only got 10 years. There's no one else. But the thought that my kids would think I chose to leave them keeps me here.
I started smoking bc it takes 7min off your life, and have a job where i sit all day. Planning to not go to the doc ever so maybe if I get sick it'll be too late to treat. I really think the kids would be better with my ex and his wife bc they'd have a dad, and a mom who isn't just completely numb and doesn't care about anything, and I mean anything, or just breaking down and decompensating. I don't like this life I was forced into. I just hate everything about it. I used to LOVE my job and now i hate it. Never was behind at work, and now i just dont care to do what I need to do. I can't take time off - my husband was a SAHD, so I'm the only income. he was between life insurance policies bc "it's stupid to have term insurance that just ends at 50yo" (he would have been 40 in OCT 2023). Everything changes. And no one understands what it's like unless they lived it. 100% of your identity changes. and people say stupid things like 'you'll find someone else, you're young'. NO ONE would tell a parent that they could have another child... People tell me to take it minute by minute and if you get up and get out of bed, you win. But I literally don't want to do this anymore. There's TOO MUCH time left. If he wanted me to be happy, he'd be here. He's not in a better place than with me and our kids. I'm really hoping to find a magical way to leave without having my kids believe I chose to leave them.
(He got a sample of MJ that happened to be laced with fentanyl bc he was against opioids and had chronic back pain. Go figure.)
I hate this life i didn't ask for. They tell me I'm not going to ever feel better about it, and I believe that - but I'm going to learn to live with it. If i knew how that was going to happen, maybe it'd be getting better, but I don't see a single reason or lesson I need to learn that's worth me losing my soulmate and father of my kids (hence coming here). Even if I end up saving the planet because of his death for some reason, I didn't ask to sacrifice my happiness and sanity and to traumatize our kids to do that. Why don't we matter? We have two kids together, and i have another son with my ex husband that we share custody and placement. If they weren't here, I'd be gone for sure. I resent having to be the one to stay so i dont fuck them up completely. I hate it here. I know i can get through it, i know i'm strong enough, but I just dont want to. He's the first person who really knew me for me and accepted me. It took 30 years to find him, and we only got 10 years. There's no one else. But the thought that my kids would think I chose to leave them keeps me here.
I started smoking bc it takes 7min off your life, and have a job where i sit all day. Planning to not go to the doc ever so maybe if I get sick it'll be too late to treat. I really think the kids would be better with my ex and his wife bc they'd have a dad, and a mom who isn't just completely numb and doesn't care about anything, and I mean anything, or just breaking down and decompensating. I don't like this life I was forced into. I just hate everything about it. I used to LOVE my job and now i hate it. Never was behind at work, and now i just dont care to do what I need to do. I can't take time off - my husband was a SAHD, so I'm the only income. he was between life insurance policies bc "it's stupid to have term insurance that just ends at 50yo" (he would have been 40 in OCT 2023). Everything changes. And no one understands what it's like unless they lived it. 100% of your identity changes. and people say stupid things like 'you'll find someone else, you're young'. NO ONE would tell a parent that they could have another child... People tell me to take it minute by minute and if you get up and get out of bed, you win. But I literally don't want to do this anymore. There's TOO MUCH time left. If he wanted me to be happy, he'd be here. He's not in a better place than with me and our kids. I'm really hoping to find a magical way to leave without having my kids believe I chose to leave them.
