Did you expect yourself to end up suicidal?

[4hrs50min]

I saw two similar threads but I figured I'd make it a poll. For me alot of the distress right now is that lately I can barely shake suicidality even for a minute during the days, and although the thought have crossed my mind earlier in life, it never stuck like this and it feels surreal to realize I'm actually 100% suicidal and it's probably not going away anytime soon. I think a big reason to my feeling of surrealism is that I was pretty sure my life would be good as it had been the first 25 years.

Please vote in this poll and/or leave a comment. Sometimes I get a feeling that I would've rather seen it coming, or let's say trialed this kind of negativity before. The contrast is stressing me out. Also a reason I read alot of celebrity suicide/falls from grace to compare.

 

[Jimblue]

For me I will definitely suicide, just I don't know when yet.

 

[4hrs50min]

For me I will definitely suicide, just I don't know when yet.

I hope you get what you wish for in life. The poll was more intended like if the position of wanting to commit suicide came to you slowly, progressively in life or suddenly. But thanks for answering

 

[Life_and_Death]

it hit me like a brick wall but wasnt unexpected. when i was 11 my brother was born and i lost my grandfather. i told my mother if my brother asks why im crying (that wouldnt even be able to ask for a few years) to tell him i just miss my cousin. being suicidal didnt hit me until i was 14, but i wasnt depressed between the 2 times

 

[👁️👃👁️]

I mean I've thought about it over the years but I never really fully took it seriously untill recently. It's just something that has crossed my mind and that I talked about. I never went out of my way to actually research.
It was months ago that I really began googling how to tie knots properly, etc.

 

[Jimblue]

For me even my life was good. I don't want to die slowly because of a very painful untreatable illness when I am old. And in that time, I may in a ward with lots of nurses, carers, doctors etc. It would be impossible for me to end of my life. And personally I don't see the point of living like that for few months or years.

 

[Lookingtotalk]

I saw two similar threads but I figured I'd make it a poll. For me alot of the distress right now is that lately I can barely shake suicidality even for a minute during the days, and although the thought have crossed my mind earlier in life, it never stuck like this and it feels surreal to realize I'm actually 100% suicidal and it's probably not going away anytime soon. I think a big reason to my feeling of surrealism is that I was pretty sure my life would be good as it had been the first 25 years.

Please vote in this poll and/or leave a comment. Sometimes I get a feeling that I would've rather seen it coming, or let's say trialed this kind of negativity before. The contrast is stressing me out. Also a reason I read alot of celebrity suicide/falls from grace to compare.

mine was unexpected, as the only other previous real suicidal thought i had was once before coming off abilify, it was always psych drug related fuck these 'medications', what happened to you again 4hrs50min?

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never wanted to be alive and even when I was very young I found the thought of death to be comforting. Life has never felt worth living for me and I have never seen any point to it all and of course I've never belonged in this world. I've been suicidal for a long time and it's all that I can remember.
Of course it would have been expected that I turned out to be suicidal as I see life itself as being the problem. I could never feel at peace with this world, it would be impossible.

 

[4hrs50min]

mine was unexpected, as the only other previous real suicidal thought i had was once before coming off abilify, it was always psych drug related fuck these 'medications', what happened to you again 4hrs50min?

Screw drugs, many lives probably ruined from them, legal and illegal.

I recovered from psychosis twice, started abusing weed again and now I have suffered a third psychosis. Not in psychosis but since this last one (maby months ago) I never started living/trying again. I just obsess.... And rn SS forum is my biggest interest.. I honestly wish I could revert energy to just like anything but. Since I started writing here atleast I'm doing something active. Can't order a peaceful method to where I'm at. Jumping is kinda available..but the SI, the pain. I won't do it. Wish I could

I've never wanted to be alive and even when I was very young I found the thought of death to be comforting. Life has never felt worth living for me and I have never seen any point to it all and of course I've never belonged in this world. I've been suicidal for a long time and it's all that I can remember.
Of course it would have been expected that I turned out to be suicidal as I see life itself as being the problem.

I'm sorry how this might sound but I'm kinda envious of your stance. On the other hand I feel for you having to feel like that your whole life. What is holding you back from ctb the most would you say? I was thinking about chat for this instead but could not find the option on your profile

 

[neonzebra]

Been depressed most of my life and first remember considering ctb at 17 years old (I'm now 34), so not surprising at all.
Even back then it just seemed like the natural decision to make.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Life was far from perfect But never saw this coming

 

[Hope:-)]

mine was unexpected, as the only other previous real suicidal thought i had was once before coming off abilify, it was always psych drug related fuck these 'medications', what happened to you again 4hrs50min?

Me too. I only had medication induced suicidality. Now due to the way medication ravaged my life I am now suicidal. Kind of ironic. Prior to medication I had a good life.

 

[Lookingtotalk]

Me too. I only had medication induced suicidality. Now due to the way medication ravaged my life I am now suicidal. Kind of ironic. Prior to medication I had a good life.

It's quite unreal

 

[Hollowillow]

I tried at 11. All my hopes turn to more abuse.

 

[rainysummer]

i think i sensed pretty early on life wasnt what is was made out to be but i never knew how bad it could really be.

 

[thebunny]

i've been suffering since i was 14. mental health issues started developing then and it got worse throughout. though i still had a decent amount of hope that things would get better back then, i still knew that my story would end with me committing suicide. there are times where things would get better, but it wouldn't really last long and i'd relapse. i've fully accepted that this is how things are meant to be and i was made to embrace death.

 

[Suicidе]

Became severely depressed because of the amount of suffering there is and how long it has been going on for. No point in being shocked in a place where suffering is some sort of conspiracy to some extent for some people. Don't see why it would induce shock when life wasn't even meant for anything.

 

[4hrs50min]

Became severely depressed because of the amount of suffering there is and how long it has been going on for. No point in being shocked in a place where suffering is some sort of conspiracy to some extent for some people. Don't see why it would induce shock when life wasn't even meant for anything.

I'm sorry you went through that. I guess I've been lucky and had some good times, which made me ignorant of the suffering that exists.. no luck anymore though, and I am shocked I am in this position and also that I made choices making it happen..

 

[FuneralCry]

. What is holding you back from ctb the most would you say?

The fact that it's difficult to actually go through with ctb. We live in such a cruel world that makes it as hard for us to die as possible. I have limited access to methods and there is also the fear of failing ctb and ending up in a worse condition. The thought of failing ctb is beyond horrifying. I think that if peaceful, reliable methods were easily accessible, I would be gone a long time ago.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I think I've always known. I was a very sad and sometimes angry child. I first seriously contemplated suicide at 9 or 10. First real attempt was around 12.
Have had my stomach pumped 3 times.
Have scars on my wrists.

 

[theboy]

I never thought I would be suicidal for so many years.

 

[sapphoslastpoem]

Yeah. I've been mentally ill for almost my whole life. Got diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder at the age of 5 and was severely bullied in school which didn't make anything better. The first time I thought about wanting to die, I was 8, my first suicide attempt I was 11 and I tried running in front of a car. That was over a decade ago now and I'm getting ready to ctb. My whole life has been a destiny to a fucked up end.

 

[TheManIllNeverBe]

I always thought I had a chance of turning it around. My first attempt was at 13 years old, due to many years of severe bullying in school. My family moved and I changed schools shortly afterward and I ended up with a much better group of peers, some of who I still stay in touch with today. The next couple of decades of my life went pretty well, so I thought maybe I'd turned it around. Then came my car accident, layoff, problems with piles of psych meds, and everything went to hell again. And here we are.

 

[KQuotientW]

I had plans. I was going to become a documentary maker like my grandfather once was. I'm interested in the human story. I love to sit down and have a good chat with others. I used to work in community services. I do have chronic pain but I was able to work around that.

I have an ex who was a cop and who perpetrated domestic violence. He later even ended up on the sex offender register after leaving the force. However, I tried to report him this year for the things he'd done to me, now that Victoria Police have a dedicated unit for investigating police who've perpetrated domestic violence and sexual offences (*cough* why do they need such a unit if cops are the good guys? Let that sink in. *cough*). Police have come down on me like a tonne of bricks ever since.

Separately, I have a stalker, who is not my ex. I've put up with this prick for 9 years. I have a court order on him. Ever since I reported my ex, however, police refuse to help me with the stalker.

Fuck the lot of them. Police tried to have me committed to send me a message. They added words like 'delusional' and 'paranoid' to the paperwork, which was shown to me, claiming that I've imagined the stalker. Plus, my solicitors requested the paperwork. Thankfully, I have 2 solicitors who know why police did this and had contacted police and the psych ward. My solicitors, because of the stalker issues, have known me for years. They went in to bat for me. They told the psych staff that I'm neither of the things I've been accused of, that the stalker exists and that I cope amazingly well. The reality is, though, the police will keep trying to pull this shit and the only way they'll leave me alone is if I'm not here anymore. It's too hard when these asshats in blue are allowed to do this and get away with it. My solicitors know exactly what's going on and have seen it before.

I had spent some time communicating with a politician who has been trying to change anti-stalking laws which are very weak here. Hopefully, my death will make the headlines and send a message about what it's like for victims. The leader of that political party, not the one I've been in contact with, is a former cop. He wants to change laws and protect victims. Sometimes it's shit that makes the news headlines that gets the public angry enough to want change too. Either way, I'm still going to CTB.

When they dragged me off to the psych ward, they didn't notice the multiple bags of charcoal I had sitting in a corner. Sure, I live off (electricity) grid but I normally use firewood for cooking and heating, not charcoal. They asked if I had any weapons or anything similar that might harm me. I said 'No'. It was right there, in front of them and they didn't notice it.

I have to be careful, though, after release, I'm acting like everything is fine, then hoping to CTB this weekend. Lol, next time they turn up to do a check on me, they'll find my corpse. Stupid little piggies.

 

[JeffSuffers]

Hello, very good question here.

Can't say I "saw it coming early". Part of me expected to turn the tables of fate.
Mom left while I was 6, Dad wasn't much here. Then a stepmom who was hell on Earth, burning my belongings and elaborating evil plans to isolate me and feast upon my suffering. On top of that, I'm a non-desired child...
Sent to social services, then moved on to a chaotic life full of solitude.

Add to that a hypersensitive trait and the boredom that comes with high IQ.
Not quite the good start in life eh ?

Then I aged. Not like wine, but not like milk either. I thought I could overcome all this. I used to sing, play music on guitar, drums or bass. Trying to preserve and fortify the battered inner child in me. It worked for a while. Transcending pain into Art, and being an apparent joyful fellow on the outside.

Now, I'm all empty, blank. I feel old and worthless. The pain is excruciating. No desire, no goal, no project. No future. My health declines with my will to live. When I replay my life, I can spot some "clues" though. Clues that say "you'll get the bad ending no matter how hard you try, buddy !". Like when you see a movie for the second/third time and notice small clues put there but not noticed on the first watch.

That's why I chose the second option.

 

[perpetualheartbreak]

It definitely has been the most prevalent thought ever since I was very young and realized what was in store for me... I was living a paradox, trying to change myself, distract myself... Now my brain is just fried from all the years of suffering and I'll never be able to function normally again... In other words I have been trying to outsmart my need for suicide, and every time I'm forced to acknowledge its existence it's like reconciling with a wise old friend...

 

[4hrs50min]

It definitely has been the most prevalent thought ever since I was very young and realized what was in store for me... I was living a paradox, trying to change myself, distract myself... Now my brain is just fried from all the years of suffering and I'll never be able to function normally again... In other words I have been trying to outsmart my need for suicide, and every time I'm forced to acknowledge its existence it's like reconciling with a wise old friend...

My brain feels fried too. I'm trying to recover but seems easier getting to Mars.

Appreciate all the answers, I hope for it to turn around for us or atleast some resolution. I have no idea how I keep on day by day, I can't believe I'm in this situation, I wonder what will happen if I keep suffering like this long term

 

[TiredLostHope20]

On and off for me. I was always depressed as a kid, however i truly though things would change when i would go to secondary school, i cont realise now how kids could be so cruel sometimes. It was painful for me, i felt stunted in a way, i felt as if i had missed what teens go though in those years "love and friends", i had neither. Here i am at 20 years old, utterly broken. I want it to stop, i didn't ask for any of this. sorry for rambling

 

[allblackallwhite]

A little while back I realized almost my entire 40 years has been dominated by an abuser. First my dad, then my brother, then step father, then first wife, then second wife's son. There was one period of about 5 years I wasn't abused or watching abuse. It was after I taught my step dad to never hit me again and before I met my narcissist ex wife. So yea, this has been on my mind for a very long time.

 

[jodes2]

I remember wanting to be dead first when I was 6. I didn't enjoy school until I was 16, but that's when I first got depression. When I failed uni at 20, that was my first suicide attempt. I've been suicidal on and off ever since then. But life has never been so amazing that I'd have regretted dying