DID I ever stand a chance?

[Cant Maintain]

I'm trans, have DID from years of torment and trauma at young ages, major depression, anxiety, CPTSD. My first attempt was when I was 14 years old. I used to think after 5 years of transitioning things would be somewhat better, but I really just feel naive for thinking so now. I've been slowly getting back to this point for a long time, but things have been accelerating quickly the past few months. I had a friend OD on f earlier in the year, and now 2 friends have ctb in close proximity of time. My initial method was hanging, but after finding out my friend's and their partner's method, that's 2 for 2, I decided to change gears and order sn. I still want to give myself enough time to a. Change my mind (While having a premade exit strategy at the ready if I can't make it) b. maybe figure out how to avoid my parents claiming my body so that they can't erase everything I really was burying me in a suit...but honestly feeling like I'm running out of time. I don't have many possessions since I've been homeless or couch surfing a lot in recent years, so there's not much to pack away to make it easier for everyone. I'm just so exhausted after 25+ years and with everything happening right now, I really don't foresee anything getting better, and I don't see an end to the pain and I just know the longer the pandemic goes, the more tombstones I'm going to be surrounded by and I'd rather get ahead of it because FUCK I'm so jealous that they get peace.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

To address the title of your post, I think there was —and perhaps still is — a chance.

I've witnessed how horribly society can treat trans people, and how little is done to identify and help those with mental disorders or other vulnerabilities. It's a really shitty hand to be dealt. However, there are opportunities for treatments, programs for support, and communities of welcome and acceptance. This means there are pathways to success. Finding those pathways can be challenging, and sometimes require a little bit of luck and meeting the right people along the way. Life certainly does not make it easy.

 

[Cant Maintain]

To address the title of your post, I think there was —and perhaps still is — a chance.

I've witnessed how horribly society can treat trans people, and how little is done to identify and help those with mental disorders or other vulnerabilities. It's a really shitty hand to be dealt. However, there are opportunities for treatments, programs for support, and communities of welcome and acceptance. This means there are pathways to success. Finding those pathways can be challenging, and sometimes require a little bit of luck and meeting the right people along the way. Life certainly does not make it easy.

I was just being cheeky about my DID on the title.
I've been hospitalized, my last therapist "broke up" with me, I tried meds and it made things so much worse. Trying to get ahold of a therapist has proven near impossible atm, either not taking new patients or asking absurd copays for single visits. I have something of a community as well, It's just been falling apart with everyone dealing with the social isolation, and they all have their own problems to deal with right now. I've slowly just been withdrawing from it for a while because it just doesn't feel real and isn't fulfilling to me.